Husband (50) seems apathetic to anything other than work and hobbies

[AhAgain]

Ok, not sure where I am going with this, but going mad. Think that I have just realised this is (hopefully) not normal.

I will caveat but saying that DH has a good job and earns quite a bit of money. I work part time: good professional job, not as well paid. Job gets referred to, by DH, as a “vanity job”. Took time out - from work - when DS was younger and I think that hasn’t helped things.

Because of DH’s job, we can buy in quite a lot of help (cleaner, someone to help with the garden - not enough though, handymen occasionally).

BUT DH takes no responsibility for / interest in anything outside of work and his sports / hobbies:

• sorting out the house is me
• trying to get anything done very hard (unless literally we are leaking water or something): he has no interest in home improvements or decorating (either doing any or getting someone in).
• sofa falling apart? No interest in doing anything.
• garden, that’s me.
• fences - no interest they are falling down.
• holidays? That’s me.
• school stuff? Me
• childcare during holidays or nights out? Me
• days out? Me
• anything out? Me
• washing? Me
• too much rubbish? Need a dump run or skip? Me
• friends coming around? Only if I arrange it?
• Keeping in touch with friends? Only if I do.
• socialising with the neighbours? No interest.
• christmas? Yes, that’s all me.
• birthdays? Yes me

on and on and on and on.

everything comes from me. Complete and utter apathy on everything.

can’t see it getting better at all. Feel very sad. Don’t feel like I have a partner, just a second child.

he was born abroad: his dad is very very similar, but they are very wealthy and DH’s mum has never worked.

don’t know what I am saying, but 😔

[TheMumCoach]

PS I saw this post featured on the Daily 'Doom' online and had to sign up to Mumsnet just to reply as my heart went out to you!

[TheMumCoach]

What you are experiencing is very common, it was even made into a comic strip about the 'mental load' which went viral: english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I think a lot of men just don't get how looking after the children/keeping a house in order/organising all needed for family and kids is actually a lot to juggle on its own, let alone while working part or full-time work/child care.

This is a great post where a man does see the value of what his wife does when the wife is not working outside of the home, let alone for those that are also working part-time/full-time outside the home: faithit.com/i-cant-afford-my-wife-steven-nelms/

A lot of men were raised with their mothers doing all the childcare/housework even if their mothers worked full-time as that was just how it was, so although now fathers are a lot more involved - there is still a mindset that they are just helping us - not that it is equally their role too.

Do realise you are not alone and it is common/normal to feel as you do, many women feel this way when their partner is not being supportive - but you do need to take action and control of the situation, as life is too short for you to feel this way.

Have you tried talking to him? I think that is the first place to start, maybe even have some counselling together. It might turn out he does not realise how lonely and overwhelmed you feel.

I share lots of articles here related to a mum's life that you might find relatable / encouraging: www.facebook.com/themumcoachHQ

[Fenella123]

Hrmph - I would be tempted to get a better, full-time job, concentrate on your career, and drop everything that doesn't impact the kids.
Baked beans on toast while you climb the greasy ladder.

[Kookiekat]

@Unblessed

Reported this ableist post. The idea that you can extrapolate your experience of one autistic person (who i presume you diagnosed yourself) and then apply that to anyone else who may have similar traits is so offensive and incredibly damaging to those of us on the spectrum who suffer daily from inaccurate and negative stereotyping.

I recognise many similarities between my own experiences and what the OP has described, and experiences shared with me by others in ND relationships. I've suggested that the OP may want to do some independent research; I don't believe that's extrapolating my own experiences onto the OPs but I'm sorry if I've caused you offence.

Understanding that we have a ND relationship has enabled us to develop strategies to communicate better and understand eachother and has improved our relationship and family life. And no I didn't 'diagnose him myself', and I know (and love) several people with a formal ASD diagnosis.

[AnotherEmma]

I also find it completely ridiculous that some PPs think that a person who works 4 days a week should do literally everything, as if everything that the OP listed could be done in 1 day a week! Maybe if someone only worked 1 day a week they could do all or most of the other stuff in 4 days. But as OP said, the person who works full time should still at least take an interest in the other stuff.

[AnotherEmma]

@AhAgain

Yes I am pre-menopausal and on HRT.

both parents have passed away: so I don’t have ageing parents to, but equally don’t have much familial support (ie sounding board).

when we met, we were both university students. I had a career, but took a break to have DS and until he went to Junior School. This DH got used to that. Have been back about 5 years. Have been married over 20 years.

part of me wonders about giving up my career and being a full time housewife again, but that really does limit my options and independence. I have a good job (about £50k).

It is an attitude thing. I just feel overwhelmed: honestly if I didn’t do anything, nothing would get done. He has no enthusiasm for or pride in anything. Even if I didn’t work, I would probably still want him to have some interest in family life. Rather than being completely passive.

When we go out for a lunch / coffee and I am at the counter, I literally have to say “you order for yourself then” things like that. 😳

I am knackered and life weary I think. Feels like having another child.

Whatever you do, do not give up your job.
A £50k/year 4 day a week job is not a "vanity job" (I got angry just reading that) and you should hang onto it.

You say he has no enthusiasm for or pride in anything - could he be depressed, do you think? Or do you feel that he is interested in work and hobbies and just not interested in you, DS or the house?

I would find both his dismissive attitude towards your job and his passivity to be deal-breakers, personally. I advise you to think about what (if anything) he is adding to your life, and what you want your DS to learn about relationships from you.

[Kookiekat]

I recognise many similarities between my own experiences and the OPs, and experiences shared with me by others in ND relationships. I've suggested that the OP may want to do some independent research; I don't believe that's extrapolating my own experiences onto the OPs but I'm sorry if I've caused you offence.

Understanding that we have a ND relationship has enabled us to develop strategies to communicate better and understand eachother and has improved our relationship and family life. And no I didn't 'diagnose him myself', and I know (and love) several people with a formal ASD diagnosis.

[Tamzo85]

@Penguinsaregreat

Just to reiterate this is not what most men do.
Dh works full time, as I do, he does all the food shopping, meal planning, cooking from scratch. He does the laundry, ironing, cleaning. Buys all the presents and cards for his family. Visits his mother. The only thing he doesn't do is the gardening ( my passion) he will however make things for the garden if I ask such as seating or planters.
He also sorts out ours and all our family and friends technical issues including researching the best deals etc.
I would not have married him if he caused me more work than living alone.
Op you are on a very high income, pay people to do all the jobs you don't want to do.

@Penguinsaregreat

But in your case you both work full time so it’s very different. If one is a much higher earner than the other who is pastime or doesn’t work (and she seems to have considered that), it is usual that the partner who doesn’t work does by far the majority of housework and what is called “the mental load” on here.

Your situation is probably actually more uncommon than OP’s

[Unblessed]

@Kookiekat

I recognise so much of what you've described from my own relationship. My OH has ASD (what used to be called Aspergers). He is incredibly intelligent, professionally successful and a high earner, but I carry the mental load of pretty much everything. Until I realised he has ASD I thought I was going mad. Is this something you've ever considered? I could be way off the mark here, but when you mentioned loneliness that strikes a chord for me. And from the outside everything looks perfect. You know he's a good man and he loves you, but you're lonely and coping with everything alone and he doesn't seem to notice. Might be worth reading a few articles on neurodiverse relationships and see if you identify?

Reported this ableist post. The idea that you can extrapolate your experience of one autistic person (who i presume you diagnosed yourself) and then apply that to anyone else who may have similar traits is so offensive and incredibly damaging to those of us on the spectrum who suffer daily from inaccurate and negative stereotyping.

[Penguinsaregreat]

Just to reiterate this is not what most men do.
Dh works full time, as I do, he does all the food shopping, meal planning, cooking from scratch. He does the laundry, ironing, cleaning. Buys all the presents and cards for his family. Visits his mother. The only thing he doesn't do is the gardening ( my passion) he will however make things for the garden if I ask such as seating or planters.
He also sorts out ours and all our family and friends technical issues including researching the best deals etc.
I would not have married him if he caused me more work than living alone.
Op you are on a very high income, pay people to do all the jobs you don't want to do.

[Ringmaster27]

This was me.
He was always more married to the job than me.
I left.
He’s now learning to parent the DCs for the first time in in his life when he has his contact days. Because he never took much of an interest in that when we were married either.

[Tamzo85]

Whatever his other failings I often hear it said on here that women in your position feel like they “have another child” - well does a child pay for a cleaner and the majority of everything else for you? He does that for you, does that mean your like his child? Or doesn’t it work that way?

You say it would be easier if you didn’t work? So he would earn all the money? Wouldn’t that also make you like a child? Or again is that different?

If you want to either work limited hours to his full time or even not at all, then it’s reasonable to expect you will be responsible for the running of the household. Why would you think he would be doing everything else you are plus working more? Just to prove what a grown man he is to you? While you don’t work? (Which doesn’t make you a child)

You say him opting out of the majority of home responsibility makes him like a child, but you opt out of the responsibility of being the main earner and seem to want to opt out of making money entirely. Why do you think it’s ok for you to opt out of making money which affords you your home but not ok for your husband to opt out of taking care of the home?


You can always leave him and work out whether he does anything for you or not.

[Penguinsaregreat]

Ok so he's what I suggest.
Your house needs decorating. Say to dh the bathroom needs decorating, are you interested in what colour?
Dh: no I don't care.
You: I'm then in that case I'll book the decorator for 3 weeks time. I'm thinking lavender.
Dh: do what you want.
Book the decorator and you pick the colour.
You: the back fence is a right mess, do you want to sort it out?
Dh : no I'm too busy.
You: ok I'll ring around her a quote and then I'll pay someone to do it.
Then just pay soneone. You have enough money to do this.
Regards Christmas. Stop buying for his family and friends. Stop organising anything to do with his family and friends. Let him do it.
If you don't arrange to see them/buy for them so what?
I don't do this for my dh, there again he is an adult and not a man child.
Start and make plans to see your friends and family op. Your dh is quite capable of sorting himself out.

[MarshaBradyo]

Do you want to stay together?

It’s hard to change people

[Kookiekat]

I recognise so much of what you've described from my own relationship. My OH has ASD (what used to be called Aspergers). He is incredibly intelligent, professionally successful and a high earner, but I carry the mental load of pretty much everything. Until I realised he has ASD I thought I was going mad. Is this something you've ever considered? I could be way off the mark here, but when you mentioned loneliness that strikes a chord for me. And from the outside everything looks perfect. You know he's a good man and he loves you, but you're lonely and coping with everything alone and he doesn't seem to notice. Might be worth reading a few articles on neurodiverse relationships and see if you identify?

[Sunriseboy]

He's earing plenty, you're earning $50K (part bloody time...Dear God?!), get a bloody housekeeper, or a divorce! You need to work on your own crap; not his!

[SmokeyToo]

I reckon this is pretty much most married men, to varying degrees. My ex-husband was the same as you, OP. I was working full time and expected to do absolutely everything around the house and all the other stuff you mentioned. Thankfully, we didn't have kids. But I know how lonely and frustrating it can be, not to mention it being like having another child. I hope things get better for you.

[5128gap]

I'm sorry OP, but its a fairly familiar scenario post 50. Their energy often drops and they selfishly reserve what they have for the things they want to do. The telling part is that he's not even got any interest anymore, let alone helping. It's a sign he's settling into boring old man territory. My best advice is to start putting yourself first and make sure you do things for you. If he can't be bothered to show an interest in holidays, go with a friend. If he's no interest in the house, get what you want for it yourself. And definitely don't give up a job that pays £50k! That's your independence should it come to it.

[AhAgain]

Hilarious thing about one of his sporting hobbies… we recently went on holiday to do his hobby. He has been practicing that hobby (albeit in artificial environment) for most of the extent of Covid. I haven’t. As a family we all got to do it in real environment for a holiday. I was fine, DH went to pieces: “couldn’t do it in real environment”. Apparently two nights a week practice is detrimental to doing it in the real world (for him).

[AhAgain]

Yes I am pre-menopausal and on HRT.

both parents have passed away: so I don’t have ageing parents to, but equally don’t have much familial support (ie sounding board).

when we met, we were both university students. I had a career, but took a break to have DS and until he went to Junior School. This DH got used to that. Have been back about 5 years. Have been married over 20 years.

part of me wonders about giving up my career and being a full time housewife again, but that really does limit my options and independence. I have a good job (about £50k).

It is an attitude thing. I just feel overwhelmed: honestly if I didn’t do anything, nothing would get done. He has no enthusiasm for or pride in anything. Even if I didn’t work, I would probably still want him to have some interest in family life. Rather than being completely passive.

When we go out for a lunch / coffee and I am at the counter, I literally have to say “you order for yourself then” things like that. 😳

I am knackered and life weary I think. Feels like having another child.

[Besttobe8001]

@AgentProvocateur

I think it’s fair that the part-time worker in a relationship (whether that’s male or female) does all that extra stuff. At the moment, I work more hours than DH and I have a longer commute. The last thing I want to do when I get in after a 12 hour day is housework/organising our social life. In the past, I’ve worked fewer hours so I’ve done that.

This is true but what the OP is describing is an attitude problem. Whoever does the least should be appreciative and still engage in conversation about what the holiday should be or where they might like to go for Christmas or what sort of fence would be a good replacement. You don't just opt out of family life.

[WombatNo12]

Yep, it's ingrained sexist traits.

When you're menopausal, you suddenly notice & shift from making excuses & trying to frantically compensate to being fed up of carrying the mental load.

I tell my DH I want to live with a grown up fairly often... 😁

[noborisno]

So he's the breadwinner and is basically tell you, via calling your job a vanity job, that you don't need to work and instead he would like you to take care of the house.

Did he not tell you this beforehand? He should have done. Many would be happy with such an arrangement.

You need to discuss what you want from each other now and see what's reconcilable. Should have done this before settling down really.

[Wordlewobble]

I haven’t read the whole thread but if you are also nearing 50 you could be menopausal or pre menopausal (not that you are in the wrong here but it can really mess with your head, feelings, self esteem and confidence etc).


So from your list your DH needs to either take on more or sole responsibility for some tasks either by doing it himself or organising and paying for someone else to do it.

sorting out the house is me
trying to get anything done very hard (unless literally we are leaking water or something): he has no interest in home improvements or decorating (either doing any or getting someone in). (This should be more shared your DH needs to step up here).
sofa falling apart? No interest in doing anything. garden, that’s me. (This should also be joint. But if DH not interested I would go sofa shopping myself).
fences - no interest they are falling down. (Shared or DH).
holidays? That’s me. - (If you like holidays as I do and your DH is less keen I would carry on as I wouldn’t trust DH to pick somewhere I was happy with).
school stuff? Me (I do this too but also work PT and am much more organised than DH).
childcare during holidays or nights out? Me
days out? Me (as above)
anything out? Me (as above)
washing? Me (as above although DH will sometimes put a wash on if I ask)
too much rubbish? Need a dump run or skip? Me (DH does this)
friends coming around? Only if I arrange it?
Keeping in touch with friends? Only if I do.
socialising with the neighbours? No interest.
christmas? Yes, that’s all me. (Maybe your DH is less sociable than you so less interested, I also do all this and would rather do it than leave it to DH).
birthdays? Yes me (as above me).