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Relationships

Let's xmas over with and then we're separating, I said

122 replies

rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:07

So this is my day... a school run with DH in the car (needed a lift into town) where he criticised my driving 3 times.

I experienced a near miss later in the day where I was nearly hit by a car, and was shaken... DH did not say all the caring things you'd expect or want to hear and I had to ask for a hug.

Now this evening, he is having a go at me for having filled the kettle two thirds.

I did it in error and never boiled it. He is really cross with me but won't listen to the fact I didn't boil it. He thinks I'm going to boil it all tomorrow for 'one' cup of tea which is a waste.

I lost my shit. Wtf? Having a go at me for something I haven't even done? I kept asking him "what have I done wrong? You're mad because I put water in a kettle?" Whaaaaaat?

Don't I deserve to be heard when I'm telling him about something scary that happened to me today? He just started looking at his phone half way through me telling him about the near miss.

Don't I have the right to make a short journey to school, which I do everyday, without him remarking on my decisions, which even included the route that I chose to take.

Does it matter that I accidentally put water in the fucking kettle?

Anyway, after he got cross about me following a kettle.... filling a kettle for gods sake... 11 o'clock on a Friday night. What a saddo.

I lost it and told him that we'd get his birthday over with, get xmas done and then we're separating as I can't take his bullshit anymore!!! I stormed off upstairs. He's still down there watching tv.

What do I do now?

OP posts:
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Outlyingtrout · 04/12/2021 09:10

It sounds like you've both reached a point where everything the other one does is infuriating. It doesn't sound like any of this is insurmountable on the face of it, but it depends on whether you feel like you've both just checked out emotionally and the love has gone.

DH and I have been through a couple of periods - like most couples I imagine - where everything we do is irritating to the other one. We can't seem to talk without bickering and we can't do anything without the other one finding a reason to complain or criticise. But we have always come out the other side of these periods because we love each other and are deeply committed to one another and because we know that we can get the good times back. It's usually down to external stressors and once we get on the same page we can figure it out and things are great again.

I think you need to put all of the little arguments aside and talk to him about the bigger picture. Figure out if there's still something there to salvage or if you're both just done.

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Grida · 04/12/2021 09:04

I couldn’t bear it if I lived with someone who monitored how much water I put in the kettle.

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theriverrunsthrough · 04/12/2021 08:54

He has checked out OP.

Follow through with your discussion

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LakieLady · 04/12/2021 08:53

@GoodnightGrandma

I put enough for one mug in. Saves electricity, and means you have fresh water every time. Fresh water is best for drinks.

Absolutely this. Grin

I drink shedloads of tea, and since I've had a smart meter I've been shocked at how much it costs to boil a kettle, even with just a mug's worth in.
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LakieLady · 04/12/2021 08:51

You could afford afford to leave him, OP. You'd get around £700 a month in UC, plus whatever the local housing allowance is for a 2-bedroom property where you live, plus your earnings. Plenty of families live on a lot less.

He would have to pay child maintenance as well, and that wouldn't affect your UC.

If you're serious, it's time to start gathering all the financial info, including stuff about the business. And don't forget the pensions!

Wasting electricity by over-filling the kettle really annoys me though. Just stop doing it!

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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 08:41

I put enough for one mug in. Saves electricity, and means you have fresh water every time. Fresh water is best for drinks.

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TeloMere · 04/12/2021 08:41

Why would you bother about his birthday if you've decided to leave him?

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Pinksloth · 04/12/2021 08:41

The way he talks to you shows a massive lack of respect OP. Someone who truly loves and respects you just wouldn't treat you that way. If you go to couples counselling, his behaviour might improve for a while, but then it's like to revert, the kids will be older, and you might not have the energy to tackle it by then. I'd seriously consider whether it's healthy to stay in this relationship. Your DH doesn't seem remotely invested in improving things.

Look up the four horses model of unhealthiness in relationships, contempt is the biggest predictor of divorce. He thinks that he's more important than you because he has the bigger job. But he doesn't value everything else you do. And this is unlikely to change.

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SoSoTiredToday · 04/12/2021 08:22

I know I'm missing the point here - but my husband has a thing about the kettle aswell! I always fill it right up! He always puts barely enough for 1 cup in.

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PlasticPlantsDontDie · 04/12/2021 08:20

Your dc are aged 7+ yo so can’t you find a full time job?

School finishes earlier than the workday. She will have to put them into after school which can get expensive.

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BlueFlavour · 04/12/2021 08:05

I think counselling is the way forward. Give it a go. You may both find the way through this, something has to give.

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Lifeispassingby · 04/12/2021 07:57

You need to sit down together and talk, properly talk and decide what to do and how to do it in the best way for your children

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Hazelnut5 · 04/12/2021 07:55

Great post @PennyWus

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Luredbyapomegranate · 04/12/2021 07:45

Sorry you are in a grim situation. It can’t continue - you will be teaching your kids awful things about relationships. He sounds like a bully, it’s good you are standing up to him, but if this situation continues it will crush you eventually. It also sounds like you are hostile to him - you are living in a whirl of emotion - and using that as an excuse not to take action. Stop doing this, it’s bad for everyone - decide what you are actually going to do.

The first thing you need to do is pull all your financial info. His business accounts, tax return, both your pensions, mortgage, savings, investments. Don’t tell him you are doing this - if he runs his own business he might try to hide money If he knows. You don’t have to act on it yet, but you need to have it in case you need it.

Go see a solicitor. Find out what you’d get financially in the event of a split. Do this now, again without talking to him.

Stop telling yourself you can’t afford to leave - you can. You will not be supporting the kids on your salary, he will be paying for them too. It might be you could stay in the house if he can afford to get somewhere else, or he does and you buy a new house for you and the kids - or it might be the house has to be sold and you both downsize a bit. He will not be able to stay in the house just because he wants to - if you can’t come to a financial agreement the courts will decide.

The idea of sharing the house is ludicrous and unworkable - just drop it.

Stop telling yourself you can’t leave because the kids like their bedrooms/garden. The kids will do best in a calm atmosphere, with good relationships with both of you. What they are learning about relationships right now is not good and will stay with them for life. They won’t mind a smaller bedroom - and as above, they will not be living in a hovel because you will both be supporting them.

If you want to try couples counselling, then get on and book it in this week. But you need to put a limit In your own head of how long you will give it / say 6 months.

If you really don’t want to try counselling, then gather all the financial info as above. And tell him. After Christmas probably is best. But as a PP says starting counselling - even if you are decided you are leaving - is a good way to manage the split.

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PinkMochi · 04/12/2021 07:42

@DeadoftheMoon

He sounds like a nasty, disrespectful, controlling pos to me. At couples counselling, he will convince the counsellor that you are in the wring and the onus will be on you to change to more fully meet his requirements. Get legal advice, and find out what you have to do for you and the dc to cope without him.

They both nag and have zero tolerance for each other. Both seem dissatisfied with the relationship. They need to see a counsellor.
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Shehasadiamondinthesky · 04/12/2021 07:40

My exH treated me exactly the same for 20 years. Despite the fact I'm the big earner.
I finally cracked and now I live alone. It was hard at first but now its a blessed relief. I can drive how I want, eat what I want and don't have to have sex with someone I have no respect for.
I felt like a maid by the end of our marriage and not valued or respected at all. Go for it.

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PinkMochi · 04/12/2021 07:37

Has he always been like this? Or is it recent (therefore probably due to stress?

Where would I even go? I earn £600 a month. I couldn't take the children away from their home or dad, and there's no way I'd leave without them.

Your dc are aged 7+ yo so can’t you find a full time job? You mentioned couples therapy earlier. Maybe take him up on it and try a few sessions to find out why both of you are so unhappy? If you want to leave then leave.

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incognitodorrito · 04/12/2021 07:30

I did the same as you OP. He was supposed to organise , he never did. One day I felt the knot in my tummy tighten so much after yet more criticism that I turned round and said it’s over. I don’t want this anymore. Fast forward 18 months later I’m in my own place, kids much more settled as no atmosphere at home anymore. I settled for less financially than I should have, but just wanted out and get help from universal credit. It’s not all plain sailing but I look back now and don’t understand how I let myself get there. So so much better now. Honestly do it OP.

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Holly60 · 04/12/2021 07:17

Couples counselling would definitely be the right thing to do NOW. Then whatever decision you get to - you can talk it through with the counsellor and you’ll know it’s the right one

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Ellen888 · 04/12/2021 07:07

@Confusedteacher

This reminds me of all the things that were wrong in my first marriage, and all the things that are not wrong in my second marriage.
ExH used to be like this constantly. Criticising me for every little thing. The kettle thing- he would do that! And my driving. He told me off for closing doors without pushing the handle down first. He would put me down in public. I remember saying to him, you would never speak to anyone else the way you speak to me.
With my now DH I finally realised- that is not normal! He wouldn’t care if I overfilled the kettle- and if he really did care, he would raise it in a polite, friendly way. We each do chores in our own way- we don’t snip at each other for how we hang the laundry out, or who left the lid off the toothpaste.

OP, you don’t have to live like this!

Me too !

Get out OP, while you still have the emotional energy to do so.
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eveningbubble · 04/12/2021 07:01

We're on each other's cases... he constantly leaves dirty clothes, and plates around the house. Leaves drawers and cupboards open. Leaves shoes right in front on the door to trip over. Leaves tape and scissors out if he's wrapped a parcel. Leaves scales out if he had to weigh it. I'm constantly asking him to put stuff away or I place all his random shit in a pile so it's all in one place. So it feels like I nag him a lot.. My kids do all these things daily and my DP may do also but it really doesn't make me want rid of him because I love him and he does other stuff I don't want to do. if it is bringing up such strong feelings and the arguments are petty, you both are just incompatible and would be better off with different partners. It will only get worse with time.

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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 06:54

It is very likely that this will end in divorce at some point. Believe me, the resentment will kick in and it will be over.
If I were you I’d get my ducks in a row now for if you ever need it.

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Balanced12 · 04/12/2021 06:51

Just to echo others, the house is just an excuse /barrier, one of you needs to leave. Get some legal advice and check what you would be entitled too so you can make a decision.

Also why wait, start getting sorted. If he books a relationship Councillor session tomorrow with no additional prompt maybe that would signal that he's actually bothered

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Tiredalwaystired · 04/12/2021 06:45

@rogerthat87

About a year but I can't physically leave. I'm considering a split but remaining in the house with our own rooms and designated evenings to be responsible for the children. I experienced some verbal abuse at work this week and it made me think, hang a minute, there is no way I am tolerating this at work but I put up with constant put downs and disrespect at home?
I finally agreed to couples counselling (don't want to do it) with the understanding that he'd arrange it as he wants it but he hasn't acted on this yet.

PLEASE don’t do this. My friend did this for three years. The relationship got more and more and more toxic until one day it turned violent. Her kids were the same age as yours when they “split” and it would have been so much better for them if she had left immediately. If she had they wouldn’t have had to witness the event that led to a restraining order and a moonlight flit.
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FortunesFave · 04/12/2021 06:32

Try just not taking his shit. Don't be scared. If he tells you off for something, walk out of the room and ignore him.

If he follows you, walk into another space. Go for counselling alone...not with him.

What you need is to plan to leave which takes time. Get a job. Earn more. Leave him....

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