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Let's xmas over with and then we're separating, I said
122

rogerthat87 · 03/12/2021 23:07

So this is my day... a school run with DH in the car (needed a lift into town) where he criticised my driving 3 times.

I experienced a near miss later in the day where I was nearly hit by a car, and was shaken... DH did not say all the caring things you'd expect or want to hear and I had to ask for a hug.

Now this evening, he is having a go at me for having filled the kettle two thirds.

I did it in error and never boiled it. He is really cross with me but won't listen to the fact I didn't boil it. He thinks I'm going to boil it all tomorrow for 'one' cup of tea which is a waste.

I lost my shit. Wtf? Having a go at me for something I haven't even done? I kept asking him "what have I done wrong? You're mad because I put water in a kettle?" Whaaaaaat?

Don't I deserve to be heard when I'm telling him about something scary that happened to me today? He just started looking at his phone half way through me telling him about the near miss.

Don't I have the right to make a short journey to school, which I do everyday, without him remarking on my decisions, which even included the route that I chose to take.

Does it matter that I accidentally put water in the fucking kettle?

Anyway, after he got cross about me following a kettle.... filling a kettle for gods sake... 11 o'clock on a Friday night. What a saddo.

I lost it and told him that we'd get his birthday over with, get xmas done and then we're separating as I can't take his bullshit anymore!!! I stormed off upstairs. He's still down there watching tv.

What do I do now?

OP's posts:
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IamGusFring · 04/12/2021 11:35

@rogerthat87

I couldn't uproot the children from their beautiful bedrooms and garden if I'm honest. Where would I even go? I earn £600 a month. I couldn't take the children away from their home or dad, and there's no way I'd leave without them.
We've just had loads of work done on the house including a garden office for DH so there's no way he would leave.

You think all divorce people haven't been there ? Yes this is the cost of a relationship breaking up . One minute you can't stand him and then the next you want your lovely house ? Which is it ?
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IamGusFring · 04/12/2021 11:33

@rogerthat87

I know he's horrible to me. But am
I horrible to him? Are we as bad as each other? Are we both being so stubborn that we can't see this for what it is? He says I'm always in a mood which I guess I am because I feel so unsupported all the time. I can't imagine what it's like to feel like someone has your back. I was even nervous if telling him about the near miss with the car today as I thought he would blame me and tell me what I did wrong.

It sounds like you are . You are even suggesting why he feels like this . It sounds like there is so much unhappiness in general - it's make or break time .

Probably misses sex because I don't feel sitting with him let alone sleeping with him when he treats me with such disdain
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50ShadesOfCatholic · 04/12/2021 11:29

I never understand this thing of waiting till after birthday/Christmas/xyz event. Why not today? Why keep living a lie?

Clearly it's a terrible relationship, why would you even consider staying in it? Do you seriously think that bedrooms and a garden justify this hellish existence? Do you genuinely believe your children can thrive when their parents bicker constantly?

Small children don't give a tinker's cuss about decor. They want to feel safe. It's within your power to facilitate that.

As for how, well, like the zillions of women who have left unhappy marriages, you make a start then you follow through - and you make it work.

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simpledeer · 04/12/2021 11:20

If you are sure you are done, and counselling won't help, then you need to see a solicitor to find out what the options are.

It's possible you will be able to stay in the house until DC are older, or you may have to move out. Either way, the impact of that will be far less detrimental to the children than living with parents who hate each other.

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Earwigworries · 04/12/2021 11:13

OP if you were both happy together you might have had a silly spat about the kettle or or leaving cupboards open or driving … but you would have moved on … and been friends again … at the least you need counselling … that will help you both decide whether you both want to continue as a unit

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Babyroobs · 04/12/2021 11:09

@YRGAM

I would try counselling before taking the nuclear option. Please bear in mind that while the advice on the relationship board is usually sound, there are many posters here who advise separation in almost every situation, which is easy to do to a stranger.

Agree with this. I wouldn't really consider any of these things to be things that couldn't be worked out. I'm not sure my dh would immediately offer a hug when I was expressing a near miss, he would acknowledge it though. It sounds like just normal niggles in a relationship. I criticize my husband's driving and the route he takes (never takes the most obvious route) and he just laughs it off. I criticize his tea making as his tea is never right after 22 years of marriage, but he just laughs it off. I guess if it gets to the point where the comments are really bothering you or the relationship is just really stale then yes you need to consider seperating.
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CharityDingle · 04/12/2021 11:07

I have a friend who tried the separated, living together under one roof. It didn't work.

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Babyroobs · 04/12/2021 11:01

Oh dear I criticize my husband's driving at times and the route he takes !

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YRGAM · 04/12/2021 10:54

I would try counselling before taking the nuclear option. Please bear in mind that while the advice on the relationship board is usually sound, there are many posters here who advise separation in almost every situation, which is easy to do to a stranger.

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BlissfullyIgnorant · 04/12/2021 10:26

Your experience is not so dissimilar to mine. Add to that the disposal of my personal stuff from my pre-marriage past life (much of it heartbreaking) and his one night stands, interference in my life choices (what clothes to wear, who to be friends with, etc) and spying on me through my tech gadgets, I blurted out a similar thing. He was the first to see a solicitor, tried to control everything, tried to engineer the relationships between my children and me (telling me he and DD had a long chat about her wanting to live with him after divorce - which she denied and was shocked to hear about the conversation), tried to keep the bulk of joint assets including a substantial chunk of my meagre pension (worth around 3% of his pension pot) and had his mother attempting to 'evaluate' me and my financial worth while helping him hide his.
I ended up much better off in many ways without him in my life.
My advice is to gather as much information as you can about his finances (he's likely to be hiding things already anyway) and Google EntitledTo and Turn2Us to see where you stand with benefits. Separated but under the same roof does not remove your entitlement to single parent support. Squeeze hard to stay in your home - there's nothing to stop him continuing to use the garden office for work if he doesn't need to be inside the house. He can get a place of his own nearby.
The only danger is that he will implant thoughts into your children. My ex has been insisting to our children that I'm a narcissist in order to keep them away from me. I'm actually living with Complex PTSD - in part, down to him.
Life post separation and divorce isn't actually as bad as the thought of it. You can be valued, happy and contented with your life. You just need a good solicitor

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Mischance · 04/12/2021 10:14

I do not think you can be separate when you are together in the same house - there is no way that this is going to work, either for both of you or your children.

You need to get some counselling to try and mend your relationship, and if that does not work, then there is no alternative but to part properly - in separate homes.

You cannot ask your children to grow up in this tense atmosphere. I did - it is hell on earth and impinged on me for the rest of my life to date. "Tell your Dad his tea is ready" ...... "Tell her she can tell me herself" ..... "Yes you can play with your toys" ...."No, you can't" ....... "You must eat those peas" ....."no of course you don't have to" - it is torture, simply torture. Do NOT subject them to this. That should be the most important thing in your mind when you are discussing this.

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Goonie2000 · 04/12/2021 10:12

He sounds like a lunatic and you'd probably be better off alone and having a fresh start but easier said than done especially if you have children, mortgage and work hours to think of. Write a list of pro's and cons to your relationship. Sot quietly alone for a while and really imagine life without him. If after all that makes plans to separate, talk to friends and family who've gone through it, write a plan and I wish you lots of luck. Life is to short to be unhappy and next time fill the kettle to the brim just to annoy him 😁

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MsJaneAusten · 04/12/2021 10:05

You sound ‘done’ to me OP. The picking at each other over minor things is a sign of how unhappy you are. I ummed and ahhhhed for years about whether to leave my EXH. When we eventually separated, it was a huge relief. I wish I’d done it sooner though. I have a lovely life now and i just think “wow, i could have been so much happier, so much sooner”

For me, several things helped:

  • the outspoken friend who said “this isn’t a rehearsal, Jane. You only get one life”. My other friends kind of bumbled around me and ‘understood’ why I stayed. She just told me upfront to get out. It took me three years to take her advice, but it ran through my head repeatedly.
  • working out what the ‘worst case scenario’ was. For me, it would have been moving back in with my parents. My kids would have loved that. Not so ‘worst case’. I also looked at rentals nearby, and even though they were much smaller and much uglier than the family home, I could imagine how happy me and the kids would be without the conflict.
  • starting to build my own life before leaving. I started running - I met my own friends through the club and forged out my own time to train. That gave me the confidence that I could start other new things (like a whole new life) on my own.

    In the end, ‘worst case’ didn’t happen. EXH moved out with relatively little fuss. We’re both much happier. The kids are happier (though I suspect it would have been better for them if we’d done it sooner). The grass really is greener.

    I’m not necessarily saying ‘LTB’, but if you’ve been feeling like this for a while, it’s definitely worth considering ‘is this what I want my life to be like?’

    Good luck Flowers
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metalkprettyoneday · 04/12/2021 10:04

I was in this position . I relate to everything you said. Constantly picking on little things , resentful that I was tidying all the mess, counting the numbers of times I was criticised … it was a mess . Decided to invest in relationship counselling . Couldn’t believe what a change . We actually listened , I understood from his side of things and he mine. We connected and got these techniques in place to keep us on track and see the bigger picture .

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Charley50 · 04/12/2021 10:02

Why are kettles so expensive to boil? Do extracter fans use a lot of power too? (I've also commented about the actual OP; I think that maybe with counselling and learning to communicate better, the relationship can be saved).

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saleorbouy · 04/12/2021 10:01

You sound very incompatible, did you over look all his habits previously and now the love is gone they just grate more?
It's time to get serious, either really work hard together to change your attitudes to each other with therapy and counselling or start working out how to separate. You sound like you want to keep the trappings of married life while being separated and that's not going to work.

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Lovemusic33 · 04/12/2021 09:59

@Powertoyou

Do you know a single female that you don’t particularly liked? Befriended her and introduce your husband to her, maybe he’ll have an affair with her and move out?
It’s a plot that I read in a short story once and thought it was quite clever. The woman got to keep the children, stay in the house & maintenance. The man thought the grass would be greener etc.
mind you you would have to really dislike someone to force your husband on them.

I tried this 🤣, didn’t work, turned out the woman was a lesbian. I often tried to offload him on to someone else but sadly no one was as stupid as me, no one wanted him.
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Chillyjellytotty · 04/12/2021 09:53

Having a smaller bedroom and garden is much less of a priority to a child than a stable safe non abusive environment. You leave, you will get benefits, and hopefully maintenance. Look at the stately home thread.

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JSL52 · 04/12/2021 09:53

@rogerthat87

I couldn't uproot the children from their beautiful bedrooms and garden if I'm honest. Where would I even go? I earn £600 a month. I couldn't take the children away from their home or dad, and there's no way I'd leave without them.
We've just had loads of work done on the house including a garden office for DH so there's no way he would leave.

Then stay.
You can't live together , how will that look to the kids ?
They will be picking up on the atmosphere and arguing (I've been that child).
Rather a calm peaceful home than 'beautiful bedroom and garden'
Money - go full time or claim UC. Plenty do.
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Powertoyou · 04/12/2021 09:34

Do you know a single female that you don’t particularly liked? Befriended her and introduce your husband to her, maybe he’ll have an affair with her and move out?
It’s a plot that I read in a short story once and thought it was quite clever. The woman got to keep the children, stay in the house & maintenance. The man thought the grass would be greener etc.
mind you you would have to really dislike someone to force your husband on them.

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Lovemusic33 · 04/12/2021 09:25

Make sure you follow through with it.

My ex was like this too, one day he was shouting at me in the car about my driving, he then distracted me and I almost hit someone who walked out to cross the road, this was almost the final straw for me on top of years of putting me down and telling me I was doing things wrong. The kettle thing is something he would have done too.

Life’s so much easier now he’s gone, I can breathe without worrying I’m doing it wrong 🤣

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SoItWas · 04/12/2021 09:23

Try not to do what I would do, which would be being a petty bastard and filling the kettle right to the top every time, before I boiled (while chucking an extra £10 in the electric meter, so it's not his money being "wasted"/non of his business) etc.

I think you did the right thing op, he sounds like a total pain in the arse.

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GoodnightGrandma · 04/12/2021 09:18

I wonder if it’s cheaper to boil the water in a pan on the gas hob ?

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Shedmistress · 04/12/2021 09:15

I don't monitor how much my OH puts in the kettle, but I measure how much is needed when I fill it, as it is the most expensive electrical appliance in the house. When I go to use it, he has always used it all so I guess he does the same.

The problem here is his disrespect for you and your effort and time.

So if you want to make it work he has to stop this and stop leaving his shit around for you to sort.

But if you don't want to make it work you need to decide who will leave and never, ever share the house. Even a few months will have a really bad effect on your mental health.

It really is up to you as to which direction you want to persue.

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Charley50 · 04/12/2021 09:13

I know it's not the main point either, but one of the first suggestions on an energy/money-saving website is usually don't over-fill the kettle, as it uses so much power. Why would you fill it to the top (not OP, another poster), just to make a cup of tea?!

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