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Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

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MimiDaisy11 · 06/12/2021 05:35

Best wishes going forward. You’ve made the right decision

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EMotion · 06/12/2021 05:20

You did the right thing.
He seems plain nasty.
You will get through this, and you and your children and grandchild will be happy.
Stay strong.

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PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:11

Just seen your update. Well done, and at least, on the bright side, he’s made your case easier.
By telling your family that he’s divorcing you for prioritising your still reasonably young kids over his fully grown arse, he’s shown them all what an utter d* he is, which makes it harder to defend himself.

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PurplePeopleEater76 · 06/12/2021 05:06

So where is the 18 year old supposed to go when on holiday from uni? They didn’t choose to be your children.
You did choose to be his wife.
I think you know the answer.

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CtrlU · 06/12/2021 04:45

I’m not sure why you married him honestly

Ridiculous

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BurnedToast · 06/12/2021 04:07

Good grief. You've subjected your children to this since they were 9 and 11. Hmm

Never mind your 'anxiety'. What about what you've put them through? Just grow a spine and get rid of this man.

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HoppingPavlova · 06/12/2021 03:47

He announced on his family chat, that we have parted ways due to me picking my children over him.

I don’t know why you feel the need to defend that by elaborating. Anyone would think he is a dick. Uhmmm, of course you would be picking your kids over him, that’s completely normal and expected whatever the situation. If not someone would be a bad parent and I say that as someone with adult kids. If I had read what he wrote I would think ‘yes, obviously, and?’.

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groovergirl · 06/12/2021 03:42

Well done, OP. You feel awful and anxious now, but I promise you this will pass. It was a short marriage, and you don't live under the same roof, so fingers crossed for you that you keep your land, or money from the sale of it.

You have your own flat, and that's a really good thing. You will sleep soundly soon enough. Flowers

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AcrossthePond55 · 06/12/2021 02:43

First things first, see a solicitor right away. That will go a long way towards 'settling' your mind, even if you are told things that are, well, surprising.

Next, if you haven't already, block communication. At the very least remove yourself from this 'family chat'. You don't need to hear his shit. You know the truth. That's enough.

After the dust settles, seek counseling. It will help you find out why you ended up in this situation and give you tools to see that it never happens again.

You deserve to be happy. And you will be, as soon as this next 'rough patch' (divorce) is done.

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Crunched · 06/12/2021 02:16

As hard as things are now, be assured you have done the right thing. He sounds controlling and immature.
I'm glad your friends are being supportive and hopefully your DC are cheering you on as well.

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MondayYogurt · 06/12/2021 02:15

Time to book a chat with a good divorce lawyer as I expect he will now work towards controlling you that way.

Keep talking to people and being more
open about his abuse. Don't allow him to drag you back.

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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 02:08

Hi everyone,
I wanted to give you all an update to my lost post. My relationship is over. I said I wasn't prepared to continue with the restrictions he tries to put on me. I've told him his controlling bullying ways are making me really ill.
He announced on his family chat, that we have parted ways due to me picking my children over him. I plucked up the courage and put on the chat the reason our marriage isn't continuing is because he has told me my children and any grandchildren will never be allowed in any future home and that clearly isn't acceptable. He's turned v nasty toward me my anxiety is through the roof. I am not sleeping, I know I never should have married him but please everyone I need some support. I have confided in a couple of friends which has helped a bit.

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Janera7 · 03/12/2021 11:01

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

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MsDogLady · 03/12/2021 07:03

Sparkle, how can you possibly be surprised that he won’t allow your daughters to visit your future home? In March when you lived with him, he wasn’t allowing your 17 year old to visit. Seven months earlier he had become angry with her regarding an issue that didn’t even concern him and he banished her. So, this is nothing new.

I can only echo everyone. You’ve written threads detailing this monster’s abuse and yet you further sabotaged your life by marrying him.

*He hates your girls and becomes enraged when you visit them, your son, and your friends.
*He now wants to isolate you from your future grandchild.
*He banished your then 9 year old dogs.
*You perpetually walk on eggshells because he dominates and criticizes everything you do.
*He once suddenly stormed out of an out-of-town restaurant, leaving you stranded and perplexed as to why he was angry. You had to walk through the town alone, catch the train, and walk home in the dark.
*He was regularly kicking you out when you lived with him..

Sparkle, it is tragic that your daughters have been subjected to this cruel abuser since they were 9 and 11. He has isolated you and beaten you down. In your other threads, concerned posters listed supportive resources to help you get away. You deserve a happy, peaceful life. Please make an exit plan.

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User310 · 03/12/2021 02:43

Honestly, there would be no reply from me other than ‘shut the f*ck up’. I really am not an aggressive person and I am not somebody who argues ect but this would just be such a non discussion point for me, I wouldn’t even entertain the ridiculousness of it.

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PickAChew · 03/12/2021 00:37

You could have not married him when it was clear all was not well.

But you did. You can still leave him

What we cannot do is tell you how to make him be lovely to you and your girls. Because he won't be. Ever.

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HarrisonStickle · 02/12/2021 22:37

You chose this man over your dogs, you chose him over your children.

You married him when you were posting on here about the way he treated you and your children and made you get rid of your dogs.

You know the advice will be to leave him. It should be simple in theory since you don't live together and you bought the land in your name.

What is it that keeps you under his influence? Why do you feel that you have to have him in your life?

You ask what choice you have - up to now you've chosen him every time. What will make this time different for you?

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Jk24 · 02/12/2021 22:35

Why is it not ideal your daughter is pregnant? It sounds like she's in a more stable relationship than you are... you should be happy for her and offering all the help she needs as her mother and not still living with this arsehole

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AcrossthePond55 · 02/12/2021 22:24

Whose name is on the land? Please don't tell me that you put in all the money but it's in both your names. Please. But if that is the situation, see a solicitor ASAP. I know there's something in the UK about 'short marriages' with regards to division of property and assets, but I don't know exactly how it works.

You cannot stay married to this man, you just can't. You say you live separately. That's good. And hopefully you have separate finances.

Get those ducks in a row, get educated about the land and any joint finances. Then if he has a key, change the locks. Then tell him that since he issued an ultimatum between him and your children, you choose your children.

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ChristmasPlanning · 02/12/2021 22:20

@Alfixn

OP, having read all of your posts it's clear he is a controlling and abusive man. He has separated you from your own children and even from your dogs. Abusers often do this to their victims.

People are being a bit harsh here, asking why you married him etc, but I know it's not always easy for women to leave their abusers.

I hope you find the help and the strength you need to get away from him as soon as possible. Abusers often ramp up their controlling tendencies after marriage as they believe they have you trapped.

He is not a good person and he will make your life worse and eventually seperate you from everybody you love. Please try to find the strength to leave before that happens.

Hugs to you X

This from @Alfixn
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cakecakecheese · 02/12/2021 21:51

You should already know this but when a controlling person pulls this kind of stunt it's an attempt to keep you isolated with no support network. Do not let him win. A short marriage is better than more years of abuse.

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Porfre · 02/12/2021 21:37

Het your will sorted asap

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BIWI · 02/12/2021 21:34

@AnyFucker

You can take a horse to water…..

You can try very, very hard ...
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Arethechildreninbedyet · 02/12/2021 21:29

You end the relationship tonight.

He’s ended it, not you. Your eighteen year old baby is about to have HER OWN baby and he’s expecting you to have nothing to do with her? Fuck that for a tin of beans!

Your girls were teenagers and he was a grown man. Choose them and walk away before you become embroiled in a complicated house build.

Contact a solicitor ASAP, are your finances desperate? Where are your girls living?

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Outlyingtrout · 02/12/2021 21:27

Your poor kids. What were you thinking inviting a man into your lives who "didn't get on" with them?

My suggestion would be to leave him immediately and pour everything you've got into proving to your girls that you are capable of being the mum they need and putting them before a bloke.

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