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Only been married 4 months and I think it's over!
138

MissSparkle47 · 02/12/2021 12:43

Advice needed please-
I will try to keep it short, I am feeling very stupid and embarrassed. I have been with my partner for 9 years, he doesn't really get on with my daughters aged 18 (Uni) and 20.(own house with boyfriend) Some of it is justified as they have been rude to him in the past but they have also been nice to him. They have caused me a lot of upset in the past also. We live apart as I have a flat with my job and he has a house and his 15 year old lives with him week on and week off. We sold my house last year to buy some land to build our own house (hasn't started yet) we go between his and mine. My older daughter has recently announced she is pregnant (not ideal but what can I do) the hate towards my girls seems to be getting worse and worse, he would rather I have nothing to do with them. He has now announced that when we build 'our house' my children nor grandchildren will be welcome. What on earth do I do....there is no way I could ever accept that. It is not up for negotiation apparently.. so really what choice do I have??

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Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 06/12/2021 08:00

Well done for making the decision to end things, being with someone so controlling must have been exhausting. Look up counsellors in your area and try a few til you find one that’s right for you. Did you get a copy of the baby scan? If so put it somewhere you will see it loads and let that be the thing that gives you strength to work towards a bright new future and fresh start. It’s never too late to start again! You can’t go back and undo what’s done, but you can make amends to your children by being a better stronger you from today onwards. Get a good solicitor too, dig deep and find your fight, good luck.

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YukoandHiro · 06/12/2021 07:58

You have no choice. What kind of life partner would expect you to have no relationship with your daughter and grandchildren. There can be no compromise here. At least you still have your home with your job.
Seek immediate legal advice.

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Pinksloth · 06/12/2021 07:50

People are not being unkind to you OP. They are upset on your behalf. They don't want to see you being manipulated or controlled any more by this man.

You say your anxiety is really bad but relationships should improve your anxiety not make it worse. Your DH is increasing or even causing your anxiety. It's difficult to see when you're still in the relationship because he makes you believe that it's your fault or that there's something wrong with you. People from the outside can see much more clearly how bad he has been for you.

How dare he try and claim some profit for the land. Is he equally going to give you the profit from his property value increasing? And do you believe he would have compensated you if the value of the land had dropped? Of course not!

Thank goodness you have your own accommodation and are not reliant on him financially.

You've got lots to look forward to with your daughter's pregnancy. Do not choose this man over your daughters. Good luck.

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Jabbawasarollingstone · 06/12/2021 07:38

You have done the right thing. I think your future is bright. So much to look forward to. Hold on to what is important, like family. I wish you well.🤗

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KaptainKaveman · 06/12/2021 07:34

He was jealous of your dds and wanted your money, OP. Thankfully you have shown him the door.

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ChaToilLeam · 06/12/2021 07:31

I am so glad to hear you protected yourself and your assets, OP. This is hurtful but it will pass. He has shown his true colours and they are ugly. You have done the right thing. Look forward to being a granny.

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oakleaffy · 06/12/2021 07:30

Why did you not sell HIS house and buy land?
I hope to goodness you haven’t lost out financially
He sounds awful.
A controlling arse.
Sell the land , buy another house and leave.
What a mess.

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Graphista · 06/12/2021 07:30

He doesn't like your kids or accept they are part and parcel of you (irrelevant they are young adults now as I'm guessing you've been together at least a few years so they would have been children while you were in the relationship prior to marriage) and you don't even live together - also he sounds a right nasty controlling twat!

I went to my daughters 20 week scan on Friday (he lost his shit over that)

What an arse!
I'd be blocking him and all comms via rarely checked designated email address just for him ([email protected] ?)

Or even through lawyers only (get a good one in your area ASAP if for no other reason than then he can't use them!)

Prenups aren't always adhered to BUT thankfully v short marriage and he's hardly financially dependent on you! Still good to get legal advice ASAP on financial side at least

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TatianaBis · 06/12/2021 07:25

Prenups are not legally binding in this country. It may be taken as a statement of intention, it may be upheld if fair and valid and drawn up correctly, but any part can be vetoed by a court.

If he turns round and says it wasn’t voluntary or didn’t fulfil the conditions of prenups, or is biased, you may need to get ready to fight.

If it was drawn up by good lawyers, you may be ok.

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NataliaSerene · 06/12/2021 07:16

You are brilliant and strong. Please be very proud of yourself for taking this very difficult step so quickly. I know it must be scary and painful but you’ve saved yourself and your family so much heartache.

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NotSorry · 06/12/2021 07:10

Well done @MissSparkle47 that can’t have been easy. I’m not surprised you have anxiety trying to deal with this controlling man. Keep moving forward one step at a time, you can do it. Good luck

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MsDogLady · 06/12/2021 07:06

Kudos for drawing a definitive line, Sparkle! Stay strong and move forward to a happy, peaceful life with your children and sweet grand baby. 🦋

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Zebracat · 06/12/2021 07:03

So sorry your in this position.
Remember this is not your fault. Abusive and manipulative people tie normal people up in knots and use our instincts for listening and accepting responsibility against us. I’m sure he didn’t start out like this, bet he was marvellous. And if it’s been 9 years and you aren’t even living together yet, I gues he was careful for a long time. But having secured you, it seems he got cocky and tried to force 5he pace of coercive control.
Please don5 be ashamed that your marriage only lasted 4 months. Be relieved, because if you had got any more enmeshed, I’m pretty sure you would have lost your daughters and at 18 and 20, they are still very young adults.
Look after yourself, get some counselling. Please keep physical and emotional distance from this awful man. He will try to keep you engaged, and that is dangerous for you. Take yourself off his family group chat,, block him on everything and find a Rottweiler solicitor to protect your assets. And enjoy the baby, I think your daughters pregnancy has saved your life.

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CiaoEB · 06/12/2021 06:56

Get legal advice so you can have everything set up formally, sounds like there’s a good chance he’ll try to manipulate you to get what he can out of you financially. Please also get some professional counselling as I’m just thinking that after nine years he’s probably completely destroyed your sense of self worth so it’s going to be really helpful for you to gain insight into why you felt like you needed to stay in a relationship where you and your children were manipulated and controlled and maybe learn some ways you can recognise abusive behaviour and how to distance yourself quickly and safely.

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Drunkpanda · 06/12/2021 06:53

Very pleased to read your update. Imagine the life you'd have had going forward! Stay strong Flowers

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GoodnightGrandma · 06/12/2021 06:53

Well done.
Block him, and his family chat, and only have contact through a solicitor.
Don’t let him bully you anymore.

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november90 · 06/12/2021 06:50

Just read your update OP. I know we don't know eachother but I am so proud of you for putting yourself first.
Someone on Mumsnet told me when I went through this you will hit rock bottom, and then maybe hit it again but it will get better and that is absolutely true and stuck with me this whole time.
Always here to chat if you want to ♥️♥️♥️
You have done the absolutely right thing!!!!

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november90 · 06/12/2021 06:47

This isn't bout your daughters or grandchildren... this is about the position he has put YOU in.
All family members aren't always going to get on or liek eachbother.... and it's hard when it's liek that. But to tell you that your own daughters and grandchildren can't come to your house is beyond disrespectful, utterly selfish and insulting. How can a man who loves you do this?

OP, my marriage ended after a year when I was pregnant. My husband walked out on me randomly. It was embarrassing and hurtful... but you will soon get over that. It's more common then You realise.

You will not regret putting your children first!

Sending love xx

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pictish · 06/12/2021 06:47

You have done what’s right. Good for you. I haven’t got time to write a longer reply but wanted to show you support. Xx

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MissSparkle47 · 06/12/2021 06:39

I really don't need to be told by some of you my downfalls I already know that enough, am struggling mentally.
Thankfully to those that have asked I had a prenup properly drawn up and he reluctantly signed it stating I'd never come after you for anything 🙄he has his own assets and what would be a big pension. But o brought my first house with Some inheritance money from when my mum passed and wanted to make sure I ring fences that. So the land as much as he's tried this weekend in suggesting I do the right thing and give him half of any profit, is not his. So i will not do anything now with the land it can sit there for a bit as I am quite happy and feel safe in my little flat. My 18 year old has a lovely bedroom here also. I went to my daughters 20 week scan on Friday (he lost his shit over that) and i am already booked in for the first lot of babysitting duties and he's not born yet. Just want to stop thinking about him and stop feeling anxious, worried sick have bad tummy etc. I am due to help HRT today hoping that may help me with some of it. Thank you everyone I am trying my v best to do what's right x

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PlumManor · 06/12/2021 06:34

Ok so you’ve done the hardest step, well done 👏

Next money, what’s the situation?

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Jaguar77 · 06/12/2021 06:09

You lived with my man who actively loathed your children. What did you get out of the relationship?

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AnyOldPrion · 06/12/2021 06:08

Sounds awful. I hope you can separate your finances. It sounds worrying that you were the one who sold the house to buy the land. Is it in both names, by any chance? I can’t help wondering whether he married you, then pushed you into an impossible situation purely to allow him to take your money.

Now you need to find the strength to move on properly. He is always going to be a bully. You need to entirely disentangle yourself and put your daughters first. I left my husband and a comfortable life (monetarily) because he bullied our children. My aim is now to mend any breaches with them by providing a home where they know they are always welcome if they’re in any trouble. It won’t be big or flashy, but they know I’m here for them. I will not be bringing another man in unless he is entirely supportive of them as well as me. If that means no more men, then so be it.

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Joystir59 · 06/12/2021 05:43

What is your financial position op? I hope you've initiated divorce proceedings?

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faithfulbird20 · 06/12/2021 05:40

Controlling and abusive leave

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