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Should I message her?
202

KnightC3 · 21/09/2021 23:45

Probably a bit of a strange situation, and have been thinking about it a lot. Basically, I saw this profile of a girl I really liked on a dating app, but I couldn't ask her out at the time(due to certain personal reasons) and really wanted for quite some time, I found her on social media out of curiosity. However, she stopped being active on the dating app, and I saw that she's in a relationship now on her social media. She doesn't know about me at all.

I know I should let her go in my mind, but I can't help my feelings coming from my heart and I feel like I'll regret not telling her and she not had known I even existed. Should I message her on social media and tell her how I feel? Of course, I'm not going to message her and tell her to drop her current relationship and go with me. I was more thinking of telling how I felt about her and a possibility to meet in person and have a chat, and if she becomes available again that I can ask her out. Or do people think I'm violating some unspoken rule of relationships? As I feel like I'd be letting go of a girl I love, and the fact that she's not married, I thought she can still make a decision to change her mind? Of course, I understand she might not even like me, but I'm prepared for that answer(at least I'll know).

I would also like people's thoughts on whether or not she will ever become available again? As she's over 36.

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Fere · 21/09/2021 23:47

Leave her alone! Why are you stalking her on social media?
Very unhealthy.

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Closetbeanmuncher · 21/09/2021 23:52

You don't even know this person and are obsessing over some made up fantasy in your mind.

Honestly? You sound like a creep, leave it alone.

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PoolNooodle · 21/09/2021 23:52

No.

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Neveranynamesleft · 21/09/2021 23:53

I would say go for it but be careful with your wording, something along the lines of ' Hi, I hope you dont mind me getting in touch.
I'm sorry I didnt get the chance to contact you while you were on ?? ( the app ) but I would like to meet up as I think we would be a really great match ' Who knows, she may respond out of curiosity.

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CiaoForNiao · 21/09/2021 23:55

Fuck me that's creepy and stalkerish. Please don't scare the poor woman.

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flibberyjibbery8 · 21/09/2021 23:56

What? No.

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Grimsknee · 21/09/2021 23:56

"Don't stalk" isn't an unspoken rule of dating.

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Shelddd · 21/09/2021 23:56

Even if she would have been interested in you on the app, you are going to put her off with the borderline stalker behavior... Actually sorry borderline is too generous this is legitimate stalker behavior. It's not okay to do this. You haven't even spoken to this person, you don't love her, you dont know her.

You might even want to consider therapy.

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SpittinKitten · 21/09/2021 23:58

Hells no.

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Whattheschitt · 22/09/2021 00:01

Definitely not. Please speak to a professional as the behaviour you are displaying and the way you are talking about a stranger is very alarming.

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Verbena87 · 22/09/2021 00:01

You’re stalking her and idolising a version of her you’ve invented, based on an app and her social media. She’d be wise to run fast in the opposite direction - I have a friend who inspires this reaction in others (she is gorgeous and just a shiny magnetic human that others want to be near). Without fail, every partner she’s had who started out behaving as you have has physically abused her when she deviated from their imaginary idea of her. She’s now happily married to someone who was a childhood friend and loves who she actually is.

For yourself, I’d take a good, compassionate look at what’s causing you to hanker after an unobtainable ideal and get yourself some support with the root cause, which is likely to hurt you and quite possibly others if you don’t deal with it.

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Elieza · 22/09/2021 00:03

You’ve seen someone you’ve never met and feel you ‘love’ them.

Well that’s not good. That probably means you have a lot of love to give but because you’ve not met anyone in real life you’ve focussed on her. Youve made her out to be whatever you think she should be. Based in social media. Which we all know is bollocks.

That’s not real life. It’s fantasy.

Stay well away.

Don’t look at her social media.

You do not love her.

You do not know her.

If you pursue her there’s 100% likelihood she will see you as a stalker and run. Probably straight to the police station.

And anyway, If you went after her and got her how would you ever trust her knowing she left a guy for you. She could do that to you too….

The only good way for this to end is to contact her via the dating app.

Only via the dating app. If she’s not interested as she has someone then that’s that. If it’s meant to be then you will get your chance. In due course.

Do not go anywhere near her. Only the dating app. And try and get out a bit more and widen your circle of friends, take up some hobbies. Stop fixating on her.

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Pinkbonbon · 22/09/2021 00:11

I'm assuming it's bad word choice and you did know the girl before seeing her on the dating site. But presumably you aren't close if you aren't even on her fb friends list. So, sorry op, but it's still bloody creepy. It sounds like you barely know this girl. And she won't thank you for a message, she'll think you're bloody nuts. Which tbf you kida are for even considering it.

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DonatellaVersace · 22/09/2021 00:13

If someone messaged me like that I would be creeped out and block. And then also consider the usage of all further dating sites if I found myself single again if it was that easy to find my personal social media!

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KnightC3 · 22/09/2021 00:16

I must apologise to all those I have offended. I understand what you are saying, and it was only a very innocent decision, as their full name was the user name on the app and it was purely out of curiosity. I had no ill intentions. I understand I made a bad decision by looking her up.

If by messaging her, that I would hurt her, then I will not message her. Like I've said, my feels are honestly from the heart and I just really wanted an opportunity to know her, and I lost that opportunity and I just wanted another chance. Would I get another chance to get to know her properly?

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Verbena87 · 22/09/2021 00:25

You’re not hearing what people are saying.

Your feelings really are from YOUR heart - they are nothing to do with her, and if you’re prepared to examine them honestly and critically they will tell you a lot about yourself. It’ll almost certainly be worth the effort.

Let go of your idea of her. Get to the bottom of why you’re feeling this way based on a fantasy.

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Famousinlove · 22/09/2021 00:28

Joe Goldberg is that you?

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Shelddd · 22/09/2021 00:34

@KnightC3

I must apologise to all those I have offended. I understand what you are saying, and it was only a very innocent decision, as their full name was the user name on the app and it was purely out of curiosity. I had no ill intentions. I understand I made a bad decision by looking her up.

If by messaging her, that I would hurt her, then I will not message her. Like I've said, my feels are honestly from the heart and I just really wanted an opportunity to know her, and I lost that opportunity and I just wanted another chance. Would I get another chance to get to know her properly?

What? You can't fall in love with a picture. You can think someone is pretty, cool guess what millions of pretty people out there, who cares, it's not anything special.

Online dating is a numbers game anyway, you just need to go and meet lots of people. You will find that only like 1 out of 10 or 1 out of 20 is actually compatible personality wise. There is such a small chance this woman is actually compatible with you personality wise. Just move on.
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AcrossthePond55 · 22/09/2021 00:36

You have created a fantasy of who this person is. You don't know her. You don't know anything about who she really is. You don't know if she's a good person or a 'not so good' person.

You are saying you 'love' this fantasy person you have created. You cannot truly love someone you don't know. You have made up a fantasy of 'how it will be' when you tell her your 'feelings'.

Can you not see how unhealthy all this is? I think you need to seek counseling.

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Shellfishblastard · 22/09/2021 00:38

Absolutely not. She has removed her profile from the dating app for a reason. Respect that and move on.

You cannot possibly love someone that you have seen pictures of on social media

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Buggritbuggrit · 22/09/2021 00:41

Leave this poor woman alone, you absolute weirdo.

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Snugglybuggly · 22/09/2021 00:46

Everyone is being really harsh on this thread in typical MN fashion.. but I would advise you not to message her and move on

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CatAndHisKit · 22/09/2021 01:05

Well, not if she's literally just started a new relationship and made it official. If she is back on the dating app in time (things don;t work out) then message her on the app, but it would be a torture (and unhealthy) to sit and wait for that.
Try dating others on the app - you need to refocus your attention, you may acually like someone more in RL.

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Pinkbonbon · 22/09/2021 01:08

I'm assuming you are a man here op in which case I tell you from a womans perspective: women have to be constantly on their guard because of the level of weirdos out there. Many times I have been so freaked out by an online dating nutter that I've packed it in for a while. Maybe she left because she met someone or maybe because she was fed up of the weirdos. But messaging her now, will make her feel threatened. Not flattered, not inclined to talk to you, not interested in dating you, just wigged out and unsafe. So don't do it.

You have a crush. It happens. But it's not an excuse to foist your fantasy on her.

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Littlehaven998 · 22/09/2021 01:50

CREEEEP!

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