Is anyone else's marriage just really... "meh" ?

[BeepOpsiePie]

Been together for 10 years, married for 7, have two kids under 6.

Marriage is just really meh. That old 'there's no spark' cliche. I get that there doesn't have to be this big swoony passion between you after 10 years together but surely there should be something.

There's no big issue like infidelity or abuse. It's just lots of little things. Like we don't bother making eachother tea or coffee in the morning. We don't cuddle or say nice things to eachother in passing. When I write a birthday or Christmas card I can hardly think of anything special to write as the feelings just don't seem to be there. We argue frequently about inconsequential things. There are lots of small things he does that I resent. I can imagine us growing older and becoming one of those miserable older couples who just live together and tolerate eachother out of habit.

My parents divorced when I was about 6 and I don't want my children to go through it. I just can't see any way forward. Is it even possible to somehow completely transform from this crappy state into a normal happy couple?! I've bought some marriage self-help books on Amazon but I'm not optimistic that anything will help us.

[BeepOpsiePie]

@Ridiculousanx Interesting! I'd love to hear more about what you did. How long did you take out? I have no idea how we would do that. We would have to give up our home and my husband's job which seems very risky, I'd be worrying about how we'd set back up again when we return - finding a new job and a new home. But it is an enticing thought.

[Ridiculousanx]

One thing that helped my marriage was taking time out and travelling round the world (with 3 young kids). It's drastic, but so is divorce.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

50% of children come from divorced families nowadays. The majority of them cope just fine. I'm one and so is my DS.

[ladybee28]

It's just lots of little things. Like we don't bother making each other tea or coffee in the morning. We don't cuddle or say nice things to each other in passing. When I write a birthday or Christmas card I can hardly think of anything special to write as the feelings just don't seem to be there.

I think the idea that the feelings have to come first is a very common mistake in Western relationship culture, and it probably ruins a LOT of marriages.

At the risk of trotting out a cliche, love is a verb. And those 'little things' are HUGE things - because they happen every 10 minutes and build over time.

My guess would be that a month of prioritising your relationship in a thousand small ways, and looking for ways to love him ( ways to love him, not reasons to love him) would make an impact, not just on how he feels, but on how you feel, and how you respond to one another. Far more so than a workbook you do together once...

And I don't mean to make you feel 'damned if you do, damned if you don't', but don't underestimate the impact on children of growing up in a passive-aggressive, cold household. Esther Perel puts it this way: "The wellbeing of a family depends on the wellbeing of the couple."

Divorce is shit for kids. But so is having their future relationships be based on watching their parents resentfully tolerate one another...

[Waxonwaxoff0]

Been there, done that, got the divorce. Life's too short.

[Livandme]

You say you are abroad. Do you have childcare? do anything together alone? Is suggest getting a regular sitter and going on a regular date.

[BeepOpsiePie]

Sleep is probably the biggest one as we have two bad sleepers, I suppose I resent the fact he's always prioritised his own sleep over mine. Me never getting a break from looking after children 24/7 when he has had time for his hobbies and things over the years. Not contributing around the house at weekends or when he's on holiday. Those are probably the main ones.

Yes I'm sure he can feel the resentment exuding from me. He thinks I'm being grumpy for no reason and I think he's being grumpy for no reason. Both of us deny being the grumpy one. Clearly we are both grumpy...!

[Hopoindown31]

Just seen you latest post. What has he failed to give you support on exactly?

[Hopoindown31]

Yeah, I think you need something more than board games to get the spark back.

How are you going to deal with the resentment? I can guarantee he can feel this exuding from you and it is probably a major contributor to why you are both so disconnected. What is it that he does?

[BeepOpsiePie]

@DisplayPurposesOnly No I don't feel like I respect him actually. I feel that he's not given me enough support with all the difficulties that come with having small children.

I fantasise about being in a more loving relationship with someone else (not a specific person, there are no other men in my life - just an imaginary happy relationship) as an alternative to this 'grey cloud' future that @Primrosepenny mentioned. I am extremely concerned about the impact of divorce on our children though. My parents had a fairly amicable divorce but it had a terrible effect on me as a child, I don't want them to go through that. In addition, as a SAHM I am completely financially dependent on him, and dependent on him for my immigration status too as we now live abroad. Outside of the marital problems we have a pretty good lifestyle and splitting up would fuck up everything massively. It feels like I am well and truly trapped in this situation.

[funnylittlefloozie]

Have you ever had the conversation with your DH? Does he know how you feel, and does he feel the same? More importantly, is he as invested as you are in trying to save the marriage?

[BacktoMA]

Do you make an effort to spend some time alone? Go out for dinner? Weekend away? Have sex? Just do something as spouses rather than as parents? I find many couples hide behind children and stop making an effort with each other, that could be because there is no long lasting spark or it could just be laziness (not meaning that to sound harsh) so it's worth putting a bit of effort in to work out which one it is, if you leave it too long you may drift apart too much. If it's the former you don't want to waste too much of your life.

[BeepOpsiePie]

@Hopoindown31 I have spoken to him about it so many times but nothing changes. I feel like I've tried things to improve it but maybe I've not done enough. I bought us some board games so we can do something more interactive together in the evenings other than just watching TV. That has been fun but not enough to reconnect us. I am not optimistic about these self-help books but I want us both to read them and try to change. One is a workbook of conversations to hold together. So who knows.

[Primrosepenny]

I’m the same and have just left my husband. Was the hardest thing I’ve ever done but it was so necessary. I’m actually hopeful for the future now and not dreading living my life under a grey cloud

[Hopoindown31]

Have you spoken about it and are you (personally) trying to do anything about it? I have a few friends who describe their marriages the same way but sit there passively expecting their husband's to suddenly spring into action. Madness is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

[DisplayPurposesOnly]

Do you still have respect for him?

Do you think that the minutiae of daily life (with small children) has taken over?

[iknowwhatyoumean1]

No advice but I know exactly what you mean...