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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Can we have a support thread for those who reluctantly wear the trousers in their relationship?

293 replies

DropMyTrousers · 28/11/2010 20:22

Have namechanged...

Does anyone else have a partner that they love and don't want to leave, but is exhausting in their inability to make decisions/take control/plan/lead etc etc?

Whether it's moving house or deciding which packet of biscuits to open with a cuppa, DH dodges all responsibility by looking to me to decide and act. We have been doing a lot of talking lately about how tiring I find this.

We've been together 11 years and married for 9, friends for a good while beforehand. In that time I have tried various approaches. For the last couple of years I have been trying to build his confidence by handing over control to him regularly and supporting his decisions, but he still ducks out and things take aaaaages to the point that I want to scream "FFS let's just do it like this!"

The trouble is that I'm not a natural leader or at all dogmatic. I feel pretty uncomfortable in a leadership role myself, but I'm being forced there minute to minute.

Everyone thinks he is lovely, and he is - kind, loyal, safe, good career, handsome.

But he has just spent 3 minutes checking with me that it's all right to watch the Antiques Roadshow, and am I really happy doing something on the laptop? And we can watch something else if that suits me? And he can always watch it on the iPlayer another time? And am I sure? Etc. And then a few minutes in... Am I still okay with this, because we could have the X Factor on if I like? (I don't watch the X Factor!)

You can imagine what our sex life is like, can't you?

I hate it because I feel I am being put in the role of tyrant when that's not me at all. I would eat my own jumper if it meant that DH would just once say. "Hey, let's do this today!" or "I've decided we need to save up for this" or even "Make us a cup of tea, love."

I think he has a basic lack of confidence in his abilities and I want to help him to overcome this. However there are phone calls, driving, DIY, accounting, planning and raising children to be done and I am doing all of it.

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WearingTheTrousersToo · 02/12/2010 14:35

Maryz my DP is similar when left on his own with the DCs. He buys them dvds and sweets and lots of deli type foods. One time I came home to find that he had bought my eldest daughter[11] a pair of heels she wanted [and I had said she couldn't have]. When I explained this to him he just said 'oh I did wonder if they were suitable'. He tries with the cooking and housekeeping but I come back to a tip.
After my last weekend away I returned to find that he had done one wash which however did not have any school clothes in it, DC2's packed lunch remains from school were still sitting in the hall and her bookbag had undone homework and an unread reading book in it. They had all had lots of fun though.

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KatieScarlett2833 · 02/12/2010 12:30

I love you in a non-lezzer type appreciation of your wit sort of way LeQ

My DH is a totally self-confident, secure man who does the coo-ing thing too. I am simply, hard work and argumentative. He, however is also a household-duties dodging chancer, and so the dance goes on....Smile

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LeQueen · 01/12/2010 23:20

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MarshaBrady · 01/12/2010 23:09

Phew. Ok.

Well dropmytrousers I think you have done very well to recognise this problem at this point. Because as it has gradually become like this, and is not the sum of your dh, it sounds that it is entirely possible to go back to how you were when you met.

You sound eminently sensible, but it is possible your family's ideas about men (which I agree with you must be very frustrating!) have crept into his subconscious. Who knows. But yes it must be possible to gently guide him. Compliment, compliment. And cold turkey sounds good Smile

(btw I know my first post was full on, it was a bit reactionary. Dh was a shy, partying boyish person who could not even do eye contact with me, but very passionate about doing good work, never about £. We were /are complete equals. Sorry I just don't want people to think I went for the big guy in the room... as it would be a huge misrepresentation!).

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maryz · 01/12/2010 23:03

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LeQueen · 01/12/2010 22:52

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maryz · 01/12/2010 22:39

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WearingTheTrousersToo · 01/12/2010 22:31

I have been reading with interest as I can relate to much of the Op's situation.
My DP has only ever lived at home and with me and is passive and dislikes change. I am SAHM and organise most stuff to do with the house and home plus bigger things like holidays plus major things like house moves. Last time we moved I researched all of the houses, signed up with all of the agents, visited houses, did our house up for sale, did viewings.....and packed 99%.
In very stressful times DP has not coped well at all and from feeling concerned for him and trying to be supportive, I have become resentful and lost a lot of respect for him.I cope. I have become very fed up with feeling that I am not in a relationship with another adult. This has finally culminated in my realising that I no longer love him and deciding we will seperate.

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DropMyTrousers · 01/12/2010 22:06

AF Grin

LeQueen, good point. It wasn't always like this. I think the small-but-steady passing over of responsibility started with (whispers) breastfeeding DC1. I think that was the first time I noticed DH standing helplessly by, while I soldiered on regardless.

I know I've used the word "martyr" a fair bit, but there are a number of emasculating matriarchal martyrs in both our families. Trying hard to break the mould, but the voice still echoes in the back of my mind... "What do you expect from a bloke!!" Women with the most useless husband, wins, etc. How vile is that?

Was astonished once when DS was newborn & several aunties & grandmas were gathered around during a nappy change. DS pooed loudly into a freshly-wrapped nappy. "Why does he always wait for a fresh one?" I said. Several replies came with one voice - "Because he's a boy!" Said with a kind of patronising affection.

Because, bless men, they just can't help it can they? They're just not equipped for it, can't multi-task, can't be tidy, ra ra ra RAGH. That makes me cross. Insulting to 50% of the population, and exhausting for women to carry this idea of needing to compensate.

I think that's my problem with the "leave him cos he's useless" argument. Shouldn't I take an honest look at my part in any uselessness?

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LeQueen · 01/12/2010 20:50

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maryz · 01/12/2010 20:37

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LeQueen · 01/12/2010 20:31

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LeQueen · 01/12/2010 20:24

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 20:02

maryz..

it's f

f

f

f

geddit ?

Grin

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snowflake69 · 01/12/2010 19:30

DMT - It is true though. When I met my husband he used to come and pick up all my ironing and do it for me. We were in military and I kept being put on daily inspections cause I couldnt iron. I was so petrified of doing it after that as it used to remind me of getting in trouble. I didnt iron for years and relied on my husband to do it.

I think the same goes for my husband as I was 18 but very money minded even when I was young so I 100% took over all finances, even to the point for a few years that I gave him money to spend as he found it easier.

If someone thinks the other person is better at something then they want the other person to do it for them as they dont want to do it and fail at it.

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maryz · 01/12/2010 19:29

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maryz · 01/12/2010 19:27

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 19:22

the chutney comment, I mean Grin

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 19:21

I should knee-cap you for that, DMT !

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DropMyTrousers · 01/12/2010 19:21

Btw, fascinated by the idea of wifework and will be looking into that.

I also identify as feminist and I do sometimes catch a sense of DH being... Can hardly type this... Paralysed into inactivity by fear of doing the wrong thing - not because i am a tyrant or hyper critical, but because I am very capable. I don't think it's me he's afraid of - it's failure, or perhaps failing in front of me. And yet inactivity, or not participating fully in our partnership or our family, is a failing I find it harder and harder to forgive.

I asked someone for advice on this subject a few weeks ago and was told it was my fault for "making everything look effortless." Can I hear "scapegoat?"

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wouldliketoknow · 01/12/2010 19:20

ladies, don't bother leaving the thread, the new thread i should say, the original posters and feeling of the thread is not here anymore, it is nothing to do with what dtt started and we've been talking about. you didn't agree with the theme and you've changed it, i guess you are entitled to that.

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DropMyTrousers · 01/12/2010 19:13

Chutney, anyone?

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thatsnotmyfruitshoot · 01/12/2010 19:10

Back to the topic, for anyone who's still awake. Wink

It's been really interesting reading this thread, DP often complains that he wants to do more to help me out (vastly different from XH) but I'm rubbish at delegation, and because he doesn't live here, it's slightly harder for him to take initiative.

I can see how easy it is to slip into a situation where one person does all of a certain job, simply because they're quicker at it or more used to doing it. Ultimately you then resent the situation you helped to create in the first place, and unlearning the habits becomes a nightmare.

Going to keep an eye on my control-freakery tendencies now!

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snowflake69 · 01/12/2010 19:09

I never understand the attraction to status. I much prefer men who do jobs like teachers, youth workers, social workers etc. When I see a man all sensitive and caring and helping people I love it. I think its much sexier than having loads of money or working in business.

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AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 01/12/2010 19:00

I am meant to have left this thread < ahem >

I have dug some seriously big holes in my time on MN. Much worse than you, MB. I mean, snobbery is pretty much de rigeur in certain circles, so hardly crime of the century, is it. I am sure there are lots of people who agree with your sentiments.

Perhaps you should embrace it, and make it your MN raison d'etre Xmas Wink

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