Left out of party

[mangothoughts]

Have nc for this but have been on Mumsnet a long time.
Dd (11) has just found out she has been left out of a big party this weekend by a girl she considered a friend, not a close one but still a friend. There are 2 classes of just under 20 in her year and supposedly there are 20 kids invited (it's an outdoor organised event type party so Covid approved). She thinks most of the kids going are from her class and a few from the other but she doesn't know this for certain. She found out from one of the new girls in her class who has been invited despite not being a friend of this girl. This new girl is a close friend of dd and started chatting to her about the party assuming she was going.

Dd is completely devastated. How can I help her? I have told her maybe this girl is friends with lots of people and it was really hard to choose. But she doesn't understand why the new girl was invited over her. I suspect dd will not talk to this girl again (I know she has already de-friended her on Roblox). What can I say to make her feel less upset and rejected?

[mangothoughts]

She didn't expect to be invited she was just upset that 20 kids were considered to be better friends than she was with this girl, including the new girl who has barely spoken to the girl.
I think she now realised where she stands, it's just a hard lesson.

[RedskyAtnight]

At 11, I'd expect DD to ask the girl outright why she wasn't invited tbh. But if they weren't close friends, I'm not particularly sure why she expected to be.

[mangothoughts]

Thanks for all the thoughts. I definitely won't be asking for an invite - I don't know the parents very well and it would be very awkward!
I have played up the fact that lots of other weren't invited so she wasn't one of only a few.
And I am definitely encouraging her not to make an issue of it when back at school.

@rainbowstardrops I didn't suggest my dd would be mean to this girl just that things might be a little unpleasant (ie a bit cold and not too friendly with her). I highly doubt that this makes her a mean girl who wouldn't be invited to a party!

[rainbowstardrops]

Bloody hell, definitely don't contact the child's mother and ask if she can be invited!!!!!
There are always limits on parties and if your DD was only one child from a small group that was left out then I could understand the upset caused but there's potentially 20 children that couldn't be invited!
You said that your DD is wondering why the new girl has been invited over her and that you hope she won't be mean when she goes back to school ....... maybe that's why others were chosen instead of her? Just a thought

[ODFOx]

There are 40 kids on the year and this girl was asked to pick 20.
Chances are that she just wrote down the first 20 names that came to her, rather than going through a list of 40 and picking out the ones she likes best.
It probably isn't personal at all. Your dd is understandably disappointed but encourage her not to wreck the friendship by blocking and making an issue until she has more to go on. This may be a complete coincidence.

[halcyondays]

No, don’t speak to the parents for goodness sake. She’s not a close friend so why automatically expect an invitation. There’s nothing mean about it, it’s not as if she was the only one in a class left out.

[Ducksurprise]

@MiddleClassMother

That's vey unpleasant of the girl. It's a horrible feeling to be left out. Do you know the girls parents? You could have a chat to them and ask if she could be invited. They could say no, but it's worth the ask. Remind your DD that there's nothing wrong with her and it's not her fault, but also encourage her to remain neutral with the girl and not start fights/arguments.

God don't do this. Every party has a numbers limit, your dd sounds upset because new girl is going rather than she isn't. It's shit for your daughter but it doesn't mean the girl is deliberately meaning mean.

[Lougle]

It's not leaving out one child. It's leaving out 20 children, possibly more if she's inviting relatives or people she knows out of school. Perhaps she was allowed 14 kids from school and the OP's DD was number 15 on her list. It doesn't make her mean. The OP has acknowledged that they aren't 'good' friends, just friends.

It would be different if there was a tight group of, say, 6 kids and the OP's DD was the only one in the group not invited.

[MiddleClassMother]

That's vey unpleasant of the girl. It's a horrible feeling to be left out. Do you know the girls parents? You could have a chat to them and ask if she could be invited. They could say no, but it's worth the ask. Remind your DD that there's nothing wrong with her and it's not her fault, but also encourage her to remain neutral with the girl and not start fights/arguments.

[KatherineJaneway]

I don't think there is anything you can say. It is a shock to us all when we are left out like this in life. You think you are friends when actually you are just an acquaintance.

I suspect as the other girl got the invite as she is new.

Your dd needs to be told not to be nasty or rude to the girl throwing the party though. While she is hurt, it is not the party girl's fault for not inviting her. Your dd might do this to someone one day and be unaware of their feelings.

[mangothoughts]

Thanks guys. Unfortunately I can't report the party as it's totally legit - organised outdoor children's sporting activities are allowed.

I think for dd it is the feeling of being left out that hurts but I guess it is a life experience. I'm pretty sure she is clear now they are not friends I'm just worried she is going to be bitter about it and be unpleasant to the girl when back at school.

[Lougle]

In that situation, I empathised, but also pointed out that they weren't really friends, so she couldn't expect to be invited. Often it's the excitement of a party that they want, rather than truly feeling left out.

[autumndream]

I'd report the party 🤣
Nasty bunch of girls!