Phone Policing

[raovishal]

My DD is 11 and has just started at Secondary school in September. She has a Smart Phone. Before she had the phone we set some ground rules.

• No Phone usage after 6.30 in the evening
  
• We need to know the password Full Stop!
  
• We can and will check the phone and Messages
  
• No Lying/Being Rude on the Chats
  
• No Posting of Pictures of Other People without permission from them
  
• No Nude pictures or Privates to be taken
  

Since she did not keep her deal, we have had to take the phone off her for a few days. She has only just got her phone back.

We had a honest chat last night. And She said that we police her too much. Some of the points she raised were -

• None of her other friends parents check their phone or messages.
  
• None of them have to put their phone away after a certain time.
  
• None of them have their phone taken off them for not following the rules.
  

How do others approach this? Thoughts welcome.

[GotABitTricky]

Great point by Bonkerz on Fri 8th -

• " I took his phone away for a week. Once he had calmed down I explained that his reaction had made me think he was doing wrong and if there is anything on his phone he wouldn't want me to see then he needs to re evaluate his usage. "
  

I am going to have this discussion in the morning with my 12 year old.
He seems over obsessed with phone last few weeks.

[CrazyMamaOf2]

Thanks Guys for your views. Its useful to get some objective views sometimes.

[JustDanceAddict]

I certainly check my 11 year old's phone. Usually a couple of times a week. I tend to just flick through a few messages on whatsapp and instagram to check there isn't anything dodgy. He knows I do it, isn't keen, but he knows it's a condition of him having the phone.
I have also taken it off him for misuse. I would have no qualms about this, although he does use it to tell me he's on way home or if he's going to a friend, so it would be taken away for the evenings or on a weekend if appropriate.
I do let him use it in the evening, but he has to put it away before bedtime. I will check he has it on charge or turned off by 9pm. It's part of their social life, like the landlines were for us in those days, calling friends after dinner, so I don't think that's a problem unless h/w isn't getting done. IT's more of an issue getting him off the PS4!

I am a bit more relaxed about my 13.5 year old's behaviour online as she is a different type of person, although I do see quite a few whatsapp messages coming through if she leaves it out. I don't have her password. She also has to put it away by 10pm - her bedtime.

[SoWhite]

*- None of her other friends parents check their phone or messages.

• None of them have to put their phone away after a certain time.
  
• None of them have their phone taken off them for not following the rules.*
  

She's only saying that because kids don't brag about how their parents, parent them. Limits are uncool. Uncool, but needed. I guarantee, if her friends have good parents, they will be doing similar things.

[wickedwaterwitch]

You're right, she's 11, I'd stick to your guns.

[cdtaylornats]

You could try carrot and stick, for each 6 months she sticks to the rules then one gets relaxed a bit, say an extra 30 minutes at night.

[Bonkerz]

My teen is 15 and we have a deal that if I ask to look at his phone he needs to hand it over unlocked.

First time I did this he freaked out at me. I took his phone away for a week. Once he had calmed down I explained that his reaction had made me think he was doing wrong and if there is anything on his phone he wouldn't want me to see then he needs to re evaluate his usage.

I now do a spot check once a month without warning and we've had no problems. Trust is a massive thing.
As for taking phone away at night I don't do that BUT I have had incidences where I have caught him on his phone after 10pm bed and I just change the Internet password! He then has to earn it back!!!!!!!!

[Thankfulforeveryday]

I do check her message and other bits and I panic about all the internet safety and as I come from a police background I panic about that sort of stuff as I know how easily kids get sucked in!
I take it off her at 7:30 as I think screen time after that affects sleep.
If she's rude etc it's the first privilege to go, for 24hrs etc so I'm pretty similar to you!

[Wolfiefan]

I must admit I don't check phone. It would feel a bit like reading his diary!
No phone use late at night
I will confiscate devices if they are being used when child should be sleeping.

I think you need to decide what's really important and why. Clearly no naked pictures but some of the others seem quite strict. (Why 6:30 for instance?)