Aarrgghh friendships in girls

[mandywb]

My DD (9) had great friends in Nursery and p1 and then the school mixed up the classes and she got separated from them and put in the other class (they said it was random and not planned that way).

Anyway she made friends with the girls and became quite close with a small group and in particular one of the girls.

Move forward to just before the summer hols (3 years on) and they started to argue a lot and were forever falling out, not only with each other but the other friends were siding with this other girl. We thought it might settle over the holidays, and it did.

Until this week it's starting again. The problem is, most of the girls in the class are in little cliques now so when DD decides to try and play with someone else, they say it's a private game or she can't play.

To be honest she's quite upset and I am sad for her. I am inviting other friends round and they have a great time but at school they go back to their own little groups.

I have heard this can be a problem in girls and just let them get on with it, but it's hard when she's upset. I just tell her to walk away and not let them see she's upset even if she is!! Arghh it's hard !!

What is the best thing to do ? And is it common in girls ?

Thanks

[purpleroses]

One thing that has helped with my DD is actually inviting the child that she's been falling out with around for a play. It's difficult for them to be nasty at school if they've just been playing really well together round at ours the previous day. It's happened mainly when I've arranged a playdate prior to the falling out (can all happen so quickly!) and I've insisted DD goes ahead with it anyway, and afterwards she's said it's much better now and they're friends again

[ILikeToClean]

Glad it's better, they do have phases of all being well and then it kicks off again, so just be aware that when you think all's going swimmingly she may get upset again! Sorry I really hope that's not the case for your dd, but it was for mine. Good advice you gave her about having lots of friends, a bigger group often get along better! But then you find yourself agreeing to a sleepover for 6 friends for their birthday!

[mandywb]

Thank you for your replies, it's heartbreaking to see your little ones sad and not be able to sort it for them isn't it!

Yesterday and today dd has managed to play with some of the other girls so seems much happier.
We had a chat about best friends and I said one day she will meet a special friend who won't fall out with her all the time and that may be her best friend but right now it's not important to have 1 best friend just be friends with lots of people.

I will keep inviting other girls for play dates and just be there for the upsetting days (hopefully not many more )

Almost comforting to know it happens a lot in girls though and it's just a stage!

Thank you x

[Spree]

So glad to see this post - I have just put a tearful DD (9 yrs, yr 4) to bed with exactly this problem. (We live abroad).

I thought I had left all this sort of thing behind in my teens and it's so painful to see my child go through it.

She has always been a popular child - a little bossy - but now feels one particular child is out to exclude her and says she stops the other girls from playing with her.

[purpleroses]

My DD has had similar experiences. It is hard as a parent as you want to help them, but often there's little you can do. Encouraging a wider range of friends can help, so she has more options of one set are being cliquey. Helping facilitate play dates with newer friends helps here too. And also don't rule out the boys as potential playmates - my DD often finds them a pleasant relief from all the girls' squabbling. She also plays a bit with some friends in the year above - including one she knows out of school - again to get a break from it.

Having some friends out of school which are different from her school friends is good too - helps them put the school fallouts into perspective.

And teachers can help if it gets bad - they can keep an eye on things, or shuffle round who sits where in class to help them build new friendships.

[Tigerblue]

It might be worth having a quiet word with the teacher and they can monitor whats happening. Also, they might be able to point her towards similar girls in the same situation or try getting her to do work with others and getting to know them.

[ILikeToClean]

Yes very common, especially in year 4. You can't really do more than you are doing, tell her to ignore etc etc but it's so hard when they get upset. It does normally blow over. Sometimes some of us mums would jokingly ask them if they'd been arguing and that we needed to bang their heads together to make them aware that we knew and they'd realise how silly they were being. Girls can be so nasty, keep up the outside of school play dates as that might help. Feel for you and your dd, it's horrid