Dd hiding food help!!!

[Suesue22]

My dd 12 has been hiding lunches from school in her bedroom. I've just found a pile of them nearly vomited with the smell. Apart from the cleanliness there's the issue with her not eating. She's a good kid rarely have to give out to her but has always been a fussy eater. She's in her room now crying as I went mad and we never usually fight. Her school bag is no longer allowed upstairs after school. Any advice please?

[Cloudkitten]

Please don't be cross with her. I know I don't know you, but your reaction sounds exactly like the sort of reaction my mum would have had - angry and quite frightening, and oddly (sorry don't mean to be rude here..) more annoyed about the smell/having to rewash clothes than the actual odd behaviour, and thinking it's just "bloody media" and you could throttle her etc (I know you don't mean this but it's exactly the terminology my mum would have used - sorry to say this but bull in a china shop was my mum :) )

You say she is tall, confident and average weight. So was I when I was at school, but I went through a year or so when I fell out of favour with some girls in my class, and because my mum was so unapproachable - (she would have threatened to ring the school, demand to know who these girls were and why didn't I do this and that and just generally overreact and cause a bad-tempered scene) - I didn't tell her, she didn't ask and therefore never knew. I also never ate lunch for the whole 5 years of senior school because I was frightened of getting fat and that's all I knew about dieting that didn't draw attention to myself at home - Mum chose our food at home and controlled the portion sizes (often too big) and made us clear our plates etc) so the only meal she couldn't control was lunch at school. I wasn't overweight, but I was heavy set and tall and felt generally too chunky compared to some of the gazelle girls.

What my mum always did was transmit and what she never did was receive. She just seized upon a situation, made immediate assumptions and treated those assumptions as fact. Never asked. Was totally unapproachable. Even if we had dared confide in her she was like a terrier searching for something to be annoyed about and totally missed the point hence being annoyed about the smell/rewashing than why someone is hiding food :(

Please talk to your DD and please listen to what she says, and please don't kick off at her. My sister and I thoroughly resent Mum's crass and heavy handed approach to some matters which only a fool could not see were delicate and needed talking not shouting.

I am not saying this is you - you sound like a caring mum, my mum wouldn't have bothered asking a load of mums on MN for help even if MN had been around in her day - she was too arrogant :) (still is) to assume anyone else could have any better insight than her. I'm just saying, make sure you know what you're dealing with before crashing in there.

[specialsubject]

what an awful story. Peer pressure, ignorance, media nonsense - it is terrifying.

cereal bars are solid sugar but are better than nothing.

[Suesue22]

Thanks graduallygoinginsane. Crazy to think of kids on diets at this age bloody media etc they see so much these days. Think ill start giving her things like cereal bars etc she might nibble at those instead. Best of luck with younger dd when they get to that stage...

[GraduallyGoingInsane]

My DD1 stopped eating lunch at school for a while because all her friends were 'on diets' so they would all sit around and pick at imaginary stomach rolls and say how fat they were. DD1 said that if anyone dared to get food out they would pounce on them, analyse the calorie content and look horrified - as in 'oooh, an apple, that's 60 calories oh my gosh I could never eat that, I'm sooo fat' and so on. Apart from the fact that would put anyone off their lunch, DD1 didn't want to be the odd one out.

I was fuming, my DDs are rail thin and do a lot of exercise. They need to eat, regularly or else they get dizzy, faint and shaky. Not to mention no lunch is dreadful for an afternoon of school lessons. But I've learnt that when a group of teens get in that mindset, nothing will change them.

I made sure DD1 had breakfast and an after school snack plus a proper tea. I packed her quick snacks she could eat on the bus or even in the loo if she needed to eat without being spotted. Thankfully the phase passed by Year 11 and now they all eat normally.

DD2 on the other hand is a fussy madam who is one of these odd people who really isn't a fan of food. She doesn't eat because she doesn't want to, and doesn't feel hungry. She's always been like that and its a massive worry. With her, it's a case of I'd rather she ate something than nothing, so would happily feed her chips and cake if it worked. She has a cereal bar on the bus (can't face morning food) and takes nuts, apples, crisps etc to school. A whole meal over faces her and always has, so we try to keep a constant stream of healthy high calories on tap.

I'm not looking forward to the food stage with DD3 and DD4, you have my full sympathy, kids can be a pain!

[Suesue22]

I wouldn't be horrified at all always loads of goodies here too. I also have a sweet tooth kids always have treat after dinner etc and can go to birthday parties without going crazy for sweets.

[Suesue22]

Maybe that's why she is hiding them but many times she's not eaten lunch and I've said nothing much maybe along lines of you should be eating your lunch as its a long day without food. I've spoken to her and not said anything about not eating just the hiding of food that annoyed me. Hopefully it won't happen again.

[Chanatan]

You would probably be horiffied at my house but its the result of an unhappy childhood.
I always have fruit on offer,there is always chocolate based snacks and crisps in the cupboard,I dont restrict consumption of anything,the only rule that I have is that fizzy drinks are only to be drunk with the meal at tea/dinner time,water,squash or juice only at other timnes.My dc.s now grown up have had no eating disorders,no weight problems and no acne,maybe I,ve been lucky but it,s worked for us.

[MrsMongoose]

OP, please make sure she knows she won't get in trouble for not eating something and bringing it home. Fear or your reaction seems to be why she is hiding things.

[Suesue22]

She said she hid them then forgot about them. She said sometimes she's just not hungry. I suppose I was banning treats as she would never not eat them but you are right it still wouldn't make her eat healthier. Oh the joys..

[Chanatan]

Is she hiding it because she,s a typical lazy teen,who cant see it as a problem or something else?

[Chanatan]

I think thats what I was trying to say but probably did it a bit clumsy,sorry.The thing that stood out in your post was about witholding treats if she doesnt eat her lunches,thats what I meant when I said dont use food as a weapon,in my experience it wont solve the problem.

Has she said why she hasnt eaten the lunches?

[Suesue22]

You are right chanatan about making it a seperate issue thanks for that.

[BellaVita]

DS2 (nearly 14) does this. He has canteen twice a week and pack up the other three. I find his sandwiches every where. Makes me bloody angry. I do not put crisps or chocolate biscuits in anymore as they were being eaten and sandwiches left.

I always ask what bread/rolls/paninis he would like and give a choice of fillings too.

He says he forgets to eat or wasn't hungry. Am pretty certain he doesn't always buy a canteen lunch either. The school bus stop is outside the village shop and butchers and I think he probably buys sausage rolls and sweets.

[Suesue22]

Chanatan I let her pick her own lunches as she is fussy Im trying not to make an issue of it as I don't want any problems down the line with food. If she came home from school without eating her lunch which she has done I've rarely said anything as I don't want to make an issue around food. It's the hiding of it and it turning into god knows what in her room that's killing me.

[Chanatan]

The hiding of the food would have sent me ballistic,why can they just not throw it away but I would try and view it as a seperate problem to the not eating and stress this to her.

[Suesue22]

She's probably too busy talking at lunch time which I know happens its the hiding the food that bothers me more her room is smelling rotten have to rewash some of her clothes its that bad.

[Chanatan]

Could it possible that she simply doesnt like the lunches that she,s taking,Im a very fussy eater and I would rather go without than eat something I dont like.IMO never use food as a weapon,your storing up problems for the future.

[waikikamookau]

my dd does same, leaves her sandwiches, eats any chocolate bars, and crisps, in fact she buys crisps and eats them in her room.
I think they all hang around together at lunch, not eating, that is the problem.
too cool to eat imo

[Suesue22]

I've tried different lunches for a while always healthy only allowed one treat a week in school maybe ill just have to stop treats at home also unless lunch eaten. Just found more in her room I could throttle her they must have been there for ages.

[num3onway]

Maybe let her choose what goes in? Obviously within reason

We have a no treats unless fruit and sandwiches eaten all week rule

[Suesue22]

She eats ok at home fussy and very plain eater but would eat ok size breakfast and good dinner. Says she's not hungry in school but yet on treat day she eats that.. .

[num3onway]

How well does she eat at home?

[Suesue22]

I don't think it's a weight issue she's a very confident girl tall and average weight. She's popular and has loads of friends she just says she's not hungry. Has been fussy from day one.. Now if it was chocolate in her lunch that definatley wouldn't come home. Have given out she knows I'm annoyed with her but yet don't want to keep at her as she's at a very sensitive age and don't want her hiding it any more.

[num3onway]

Oh dear! Well I just thought I would mention it incase it was of any use!
My dc are all under 6 And I've never encountered a problem like this
Will she speak to you about it?
Is she unhappy with her appearance?

[Suesue22]

No it's all packed lunches in her school I wish there was school dinners I would be happy once she was eating something.