Twins and considering termination :S

[enigma22220]

Handhold please? Need someone to sit me down and tell me it's not the end of the fucking world though it feels like it.

I'm 8 weeks pregnant and my symptoms are off the roof. I already have a gorgeous 2.5y daughter. I had an inkling I have twins and it's confirmed today with a early pregnancy scan.

I'm completely overwhelmed. We budgeted for two kids max, and being responsible means terminating this and starting over. There was a cyst found in my ovary, this was new news too. Maybe I wouldn't be pregnant again?

I'm older, 36 years old. Childcare for all 3 would be 4.5k a month in this part of London. And I don't want to give up work, I worked so fucking hard to get to where I am at work.

Also, my sliver of mental health might absolutely break when I'm dealing with nights with two. I hate that this is supposed to be happy news and I'm thinking of terminating. What do I do?

Anyone I can talk to? Midwives are as useful as a chocolate teapot because "I cannot get counselling until 12 weeks scan" but! "You should get a termination pre 12 weeks"

Help :(

[aynahus]

Hello, I’m sorry you find yourself in an unexpected situation and I’m sorry how distressed you sound by it. I hope you are ok. BPAS do counselling - it may be worth contacting them. All the best.

[Ylvamoon]

💐 no real help I am afraid.

I understand it's an unsettling time, can you talk openly with DH about how you feel and how you see your future as a family?

[HeyDemonsItsYaGirl]

It's not the end of the word. It's very unfair you're faced with such a difficult choice but you have a lovely daughter and (I hope) a supportive partner and they will be there no matter what happens. You will be okay.

Do you have the money for private counselling?

[Izzie94x]

Hi @enigma22220 I didn’t want to read and run. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure the emotional turmoil is absolutely horrendous and you’ll find everyone on here has completely mixed opinions.

I do get the money side of things, we took out a loan for IVF and then once our scan came up were so nervous it could be twins and how we’d afford it! Luckily for us it wasn’t. But genuinely I think you’d get by if you had to. I certainly wouldn’t terminate if it was twins but that is just a complete personal opinion and my circs obvs are very different.

This is completely out there, and I’m not even sure you can do this but - would you be able to, or consider putting 1 up for adoption? There are so many loving families out there that are desperate for a healthy baby that it could change their lives and mean you don’t have to terminate. Although, living with that and knowing you’ve kept one and not the other I’m sure would be absolutely devastating.

Hopefully someone else on here has some better advice, but I hope you’re ok.

[Rtmhwales]

Can you get meds to help with the sickness? That may alleviate some of the stress and then you can carefully sit with your options.

I had HG with DS and am pregnant with twins so immediately started trialing any medication they'd try on me. I'm in North America so can't suggest what worked for me but the third one did and it was like night and day for the crippling nausea. For DS I tried to just live with it and was hospitalized.

As for childcare, are there other options? Funded hours for your DD? The funding that could hopefully kick in for the twins by September 2024/2025?

We had similar reservations. I'm not quitting my career. We decided worst came to worst we'd take out a loan to get through the childcare years. But the caveat is I really wanted two more children (albeit not twins) and we'd struggled already with secondary unexplained infertility from 32-34.

See if you can get some help from your GP for the sickness, sleep on it if you can. There's no right or wrong answer here.

[Viviennemary]

Nobody can tell you what you should do. I am sure there will be counselling available. Try a different organisation. Why is it the end of the world. Is it because you feel you won't cope with twins or you can't face a termination. Or a bit of both.

[FfeminyddCymraeg]

I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. A relative had twins with her second pregnancy and it really did break her, even with lots of support.

Would selective reduction be an option? I know they can perform it with a higher number of multiples so could be worth asking?

[ShoeClues]

@Izzie94x

Hi @enigma22220 I didn’t want to read and run. And I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I’m sure the emotional turmoil is absolutely horrendous and you’ll find everyone on here has completely mixed opinions.

I do get the money side of things, we took out a loan for IVF and then once our scan came up were so nervous it could be twins and how we’d afford it! Luckily for us it wasn’t. But genuinely I think you’d get by if you had to. I certainly wouldn’t terminate if it was twins but that is just a complete personal opinion and my circs obvs are very different.

This is completely out there, and I’m not even sure you can do this but - would you be able to, or consider putting 1 up for adoption? There are so many loving families out there that are desperate for a healthy baby that it could change their lives and mean you don’t have to terminate. Although, living with that and knowing you’ve kept one and not the other I’m sure would be absolutely devastating.

Hopefully someone else on here has some better advice, but I hope you’re ok.

It isn’t that easy to just put a baby up for adoption and I think it would be incredibly hard on the OP and everyone involved.

If twins would make your lifestyle unsustainable then you have to think of your existing DC too. It’s not morally wrong to terminate if you only can cope with one DC. Would also suggest seeking counselling though to be sure of the choice

[TomatoSandwiches]

They all sound like very valid reasons to terminate to me, I know I wouldn't manage with twins, the idea of it makes fills me with dread so you are not alone in feeling that way.
I think asking your GP for some immediate counselling or paying for some private option is the best way to start.
There are obviously potential risks with having a termination that you need to consider seriously, how does your dh feel?

[Comii9]

Do you do a job role where you could work part time OP? I'm a single mum and I do everything for my DS. I only have the 1 DC but I do find it tough.

What does your DH think?

[JennyForeigner]

I don't to persuade you either way - you have to do what is right for your family, but we have 20 month old twins and a just turned two year old when they were born.

Our experience - although it isn't everybody's - is that the twins are much easier than our older child. They seem to feel an instinctive companionship and just enough built in distraction to sleep, play and eat well. Perhaps because we get way more sleep than with our first, working has been OK. We had to accept that a nanny would be the answer, and found a great one.

Against that, the first months of pregnancy were hard. And there is no normal any more. It has to be all about coping day to day. We don't get time separately as other parents do because it takes two grown-ups to wrangle bed times and morning.

Wishing you all the best.

[Potatomashed]

Might be worth chatting to Twins Trust or ARC helplines to get some support making a decision x

[enigma22220]

@JennyForeigner

I don't to persuade you either way - you have to do what is right for your family, but we have 20 month old twins and a just turned two year old when they were born.

Our experience - although it isn't everybody's - is that the twins are much easier than our older child. They seem to feel an instinctive companionship and just enough built in distraction to sleep, play and eat well. Perhaps because we get way more sleep than with our first, working has been OK. We had to accept that a nanny would be the answer, and found a great one.

Against that, the first months of pregnancy were hard. And there is no normal any more. It has to be all about coping day to day. We don't get time separately as other parents do because it takes two grown-ups to wrangle bed times and morning.

Wishing you all the best.

This is so helpful, thank you. Believe me this was a wanted planned pregnancy, though not quite as planned as having two :S I wanted a sibling for my daughter because I wanted her to have the companionship in case shit happened to either of us when older.

Having said that I had her during COVID, and that broke me. No support, no help, left to fumble in the dark. I swear I had post natal depression that only lifted in the past 6 months, that's why it took so long to TTC again.

To other PPs, my husband is calm, and he's like, it's you carrying and hence you have final say. He wanted 3 in the end though I got him so agree to two. So he does actually want them and thinks we can just tighten our belts. We earn well above the threshold for childcare help, but with our mortgage etc, we are just about surviving.

I'm trying to contact twin trust to talk too right now. Is it bad I am wishing for vanishing twin and the decision is made for me? Does it happen for mono-di twins? Both are 8 weeks with strong heartbeats? Or just wait to 12 weeks and decide? Worst? If there is a congenital defect or some sort?

I'm a bundle of nerves and worries atm

[TinyTeacher]

I'm so sorry that you're in such a difficult situation.

We have twins - we had budgeted for a total of 2 children, but then got twins second time round. It IS hard. It's a tough pregnancy - the exhaustion and sickness can be very extreme and hard to handle. How understanding will your work be? I was very surprised at how understanding my employer was - they knew it wasn't my choice and made a surprising number of adjustments for me to make my working life easier. I really hadn't expected that.

Things to hear in mind with cost - twin mums tend to support each other. A decent double pram is cripplingly expensive new, but I got the frame second hand quite cheaply and was given the basinets for free. Still using it 2.5 years on. Car seats were also given to us, and the majority of the boys clothes has been given to us - I buy a few new things but we could survive off what has been given to us.

We did have to get a new car to fit 3 car seats and double pram. That is a big expense, but a one-off.

Childcare - we got a nanny. For us it worked out cheaper than nursery and is more convenient for lots of reasons (of I had to be off work for every minor fever/upset tummy it would be a problem, but she's fine to give them calpol and have a quiet snuggly day for minor ailments). She also sometimes has my eldest for emergencies or other things we might have to pay for (her school holiday dates are different from mine, so nanny has DD for 2 days).

The first 6 months are incredibly tough. If you don't have support it is very, very hard because you just don't have enough hands. But once they at toddlers they amuse each other and it's actually much easier than with one. My two are merrily playing since I got home from work, whereas DD would have wanted my attention and been under foot while I was trying to cook.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Cakeyface123]

I’m a twin, my mum said we were easier than she expected as we occupied and comforted each other so much. We’d wake in the morning in our cots and rather than crying for someone to come in, we’d baby-chat for ages and amuse each other and laugh together. My sister is my best friend. I feel so lucky to have her.

It’s a very difficult decision. Only you will know the answer. Sending love xx

[prawnring]

On childcare, by the time the twins arrived your eldest would be 3. A year's maternity and they'd be 4 - possibly just the one year of paying for childcare before school? Which could be saved for if you had your eldest on reduced hours in that first year of the twins lives?

[Fluffyrug191]

Don't discount the idea of a nanny, childcare plus help around the house and with meals etc for around £2500pcm in London, less if not full time. Also as others have said you will have maternity leave 9/12 months where you don't need any childcare, and then your older child will qualify for some funding or almost be starting school. All the problems are solvable... If you want them to be. If you don't then that's fine too.

[Summerpetal]

My friend terminated twin’s because of the sickness ,and the worry she wouldn’t cope
they tried again ,when she felt ready .
and got twins again …she kept the second lot .
she coped well the second time ,

[Comii9]

UC is very generous. Have you doubled checked you wouldn't get childcare costs paid at all?

Try the online calculator entitledto.

[DifficultSituation999]

Hi op I just wanted to say there are no right or wrong choices here, it’s all about what works for you and your family❤️ I too had twins and an older one with a similar age gap. I think it’s perfectly normal to feel utterly overwhelmed when you’re told you are pregnant with twins! I was shit scared myself and it was a really tough pregnancy too with various complications. My twins are school age now and they are absolutely wonderful. However, I do understand all your concerns and whether or not you terminate is totally your choice. I’m sure people will tell you “you’ll manage” but the reality is twins are incredibly expensive, never mind the sleepless nights etc. I wouldn’t change mine for the world but I also totally understand why someone would terminate a twin pregnancy. All the best to you

[DifficultSituation999]

@Fluffyrug191 ”all the problems are solvable”…. That’s a bit naive. Yes maternity leave means you don’t need childcare then, but the childcare after, food etc etc etc will all be twice as much. You’re essentially raising an extra child which you may or may not be able to afford. I don’t think it’s helpful to tell OP all will be fine, we don’t know that. OP, do what works best for you!

[cocksstrideintheevening]

I've got twins, you are valid in whatever decision you make.

There are more risk factors with MCDA twins, TTTS being one. We had it, had to have a placental ablation at 19 weeks and was on bed rest until they turned up at 31 weeks. 8 weeks in nicu / scbu.

Not saying it to try and scare you but something to be aware of.

I wish you well.

[Thelittlekingdom]

As the parent of 3 (no twins) most things seem to cater for a family of 4. We had to change our car, hotels and holidays are tricky. It’s not a deal breaker but something to consider. I think you need to do what is best for your family.

[TwinsAndTiramisu]

Hi OP

When we found out it was twins, we just announced "fuck!" at the sonographer. For about 5 minutes.

They are unbelievable. But yes, expensive. The first 6mths can be relentless. Not always, ours slept through from 5 weeks.

What you will find is that you become part of quite an exclusive little club, with other parents of multiples bending over backwards to help you. Join your local FB twins page. We got loads for free, and have then donated in turn to other twin parents. Decent stuff, we had £600 of fancy chair swings given to us. DH is 6 figure salary, so not like we were destitute, it's just multiple parents are this amazing little group of people who all look out for each other.

They are without question, the best thing that ever happened to me. And now, older, are easier than our DS as they entertain each other.

Make the right decision for you, no judgement here, but please be assured twins are fantastic xx

[derbylass81]

I'm very pro choice and usually err on the side of termination in many cases.

However, there are a few things that stick out for me which lead me to think you can do this:

Your husband wants 3 and thinks it's achievable if you tighten your belts. You say you've worked hard to get where you are and don't want to give up work. Well, remember childcare is a shared expense, not just you, so look at ways to make it work. Could you each work 4 days, thereby only needing 3 days childcare? You husband sounds willing to make changes / sacrifices to make it work so see what he can suggest.

Secondly, terminating and then conceiving again isn't a given. If your choice was between 1 child or 3 children what would you choose?

Thirdly, the gap between your daughter and a sibling would be bigger, which can prolong the childcare years and lead to higher costs over the long term (admittedly not as much as an extra child increases outgoings).

The toll on your mental health. Yes, there's no getting away from that. I don't have twins but I have had young kids who don't sleep and had little support and it is soul destroying. Twins do sound like hard work, but I guess it would be possible to get two easy going twins versus one high maintenance baby. You just never know.

I think in all other ways, you can cut your cloth accordingly. But I understand that childcare is just a whole other ballgame.

Take your time, be kind to yourself, and think through all options. You will make the best choice for your family x