DH doesn't get if

[capricornegg]

Hello.. 10 weeks today and like I'm sure many of you have had, horrendous nausea and exhaustion. I honestly think my DH thinks I'm lazy. Keeps saying when I cancel seeing our friends 'it's awkward for me going on my own'. I spend about 70% of the weekend in bed & as soon as I'm
Back from work I get into bed and when he comes in he almost looks repulsed at me. It's annoying as he has no idea how horrible it is. Has anyone else had an experience of a less than supportive other half? If so.. what did you do you improve it? Thanks all x

[RedPandaMama]

That sounds awful for you! The first trimester was, in my opinion, the worst! Your hormones are all over the place, your body is changing in weird says and it all seems rubbish because you haven't even got a bump and can't feel the baby yet! I doubt you'd be spending your only free time in bed doing nothing, it's no fun feeling nauseous and exhausted, I was the same.

Maybe direct him to some pages on first trimester sickness/tiredness and get him to read up on it. To be honest he sounds immature and a bit uncaring - you need to be harsh and explain how much this is taking a toll on you and it's basically like having a debilitating illness some of the time. He needs to be much more understanding! You're doing this for him too, he needs to take care of you. If that fails, tell his mum/sister (If he has one) how much you're struggling and hope they talk to him.

Good luck

[Upyourdaisy]

Make him an undercooked curry and tell him to enjoy the sickness when it hits

[SheSaidHeSaid]

I feel how you do but thankfully my DH has been good about it. He downloaded a pregnancy app so he has more info and feels more involved. Now I don't even need to tell him now rubbish I feel, he already knows it's a symptom and how he can help me feel better.

Why not suggest something similar for your DH so he feels more involved (And is more informed and supportive).

[strawberrysodasmiles]

Oh god - I had his issue!
I had a quiet chat with my midwife at my first appointment when my DH went to get me some water and made sure she fully informed him of the pregnancy symptoms I was experiencing and how it can make you feel!
She was brilliant and the trick definitely worked!! hope you feel better soon! xx

[capricornegg]

Aw thank you... he is out tonight and I text him saying I needed a bit more support as sometimes I'm not ok and he replied saying ' I know I'm a disappointment' ... what good are those words to me?! Why can't he just want to support me a little bit..

[2furbabies]

My partner was the same! After a while though he did realise that it wasn't an act, I think it takes a bit more time for men to adjust because they can't see or really understand what's going on inside our bodies yet.
The midwife speaking to him is a great idea !
Good luck

[smu06set]

Have you tried telling him what he can do to help? It sounds like he has no clue so is burying his head! And even the stuff that's obvious to us (put a wash on, load the dishwasher) doesn't occur to them unless explicitly told! Or maybe it's just my DH lol

[forfucksakejanet]

Remind him you're growing a human, and a new organ, and it's pretty bloody exhausting!

I was like a sloth for the first 14 weeks of my pregnancy, could have easily slept 20 hours a day.

Tell him. Tell him straight, point him to articles and if he doesn't buck his ideas up and support you tell him to fuck right off

[Princesspinkgirl]

Sorry to hear this op i have u tried to talk to him face to face about things you need support your in the first stage of pregnancy its tough going im also in first stage but luckily my other half is very supportive

[LorelaiVictoriaGilmore]

I had this with my first pregnancy. DH just didn't get it. Lowest moments were: (1) after I worked a 14 hour day, commuted home and then spent an hour throwing up, DH said 'I just don't understand why you're not enjoying this more'; and (2) after throwing up for an hour, I crawled into bed and asked him for a cup of tea and he offered me his old cup of tea because he couldn't be bothered to go downstairs again.

I wish I could say that I did something to improve it - nothing I tried worked at all. Things were very up and down all the way through my pregnancy and the first year of ds's life. I now realize that actually it had very little to do with me . DH had started a new job and was struggling massively - the pressure of a sick wife and a new baby was just too much for him. It really hurt our marriage for a while. BUT DH is now a brilliant father and during my second pregnancy seems to be trying to make up for last time.

[GlitterSparkles17]

Show him this thread so he can see what an inconsiderate pig he's being.

The first trimester in my eyes is 10x harder than the others, nausea and exhaustion are the worst, I'm 31 weeks atm and prefer this stage to the early stages.

[capricornegg]

Thank you all, I never thought pregnancy would actually be this hard..not to be dramatic but the constant nausea/ tiredness makes you feel like half a human being. Praying the 2nd trimester will hold some relief. I'm going to speak to DH tonight to try to explain that it's not laziness but he is quite single minded sometimes so it will depend on his mood. I did say something last night and he admitted he was feeling left out of it as it felt it was 'my baby' as I was experiencing the symptoms... I would happily share them with him haha!! Think he isn't very good at adjusting to change to be honest. Hey ho... thank you all for you advice and comments, it's so so reassuring for to hear similar stories and really appreciate them xx

[GlitterSparkles17]

Sounds like he needs to grow up, he's jealous and sulking over his own baby!

Hopefully you can make him understand how hard this is, and yes the 2nd trimester for me did offer some relief so hopefully will for you too. Congratulations :)

[Urglewurgle]

I don't think anyone who's not been through it can quite 'get' the sheer exhaustion alone! But he does need to be more sympathetic. I got DP a 'Dad's guide to pregnancy for dummies' which seems to explain things well.

[LoislovesStewie]

I ws sick all day, every day both times ; you have my symapthy! I actually lost weight with my first pregnancy, so with the second one I was quite pleased I could actually eat and gain weight. I think you need to get him some app or book on pregnancy that he can read and understand that you do feel awful, and you aren't putting it on. I really thiink if he can't understand what you are going through now then how much practical help will he be in labour and when the baby is born and crying at night etc. Really wish I could give you big hug and cuppa , you need some TLC.

[WeAllHaveWings]

I was lucky not to have any morning sickness, but I was exhausted all the time in the first trimester. Bed at 7:30-8 most nights.

Tell your dh your are growing his baby and its completely normal to feel exhausted, you aren't lazy and he is making you feel bad at a special time. His job is to make sure you get every bit of support you need regardless of whether he understands the ins and outs of pregnancy or not. For him to make your feel he is repulsed by your is abhorrant. Tell him to grow up. id be worried he'll be this selfcentred when you have a newborn which will take priority over him.

[Cailleach666]

He sounds horrible.

Having said that when I was pregnant with my first I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was 15 weeks.
OH and I were having a cuddle in the kitchen one night when he said " Oh god you have a baby in there" - I did a test and he was right.
I had no idea. I was working full time and felt completely normal, apart from putting on a little weight, but I thought that was too much cake.

[capricornegg]

Thanks all.. my husband isn't 'horrible'.. I think he is just not as empathetic as perhaps he could be. I didn't really want this to turn to an husband hating thread so will leave it there. Thanks to those who have offered useful and practical words of advice xx

[Cailleach666]

OP - your words- not mine.

[Jessiecat27]

Make a list for him of ways he can help like the bits you can't do, for example I couldn't go near the dishes (normally I love doing them, sad I know) without heaving so I told my oh (who hates doing them) it was either he did them or they'd get left! and send him some links or ask him to download an app, it's hard for them to understand how you feel!

[enduringlove]

Caille- mumsnet is a support network so suggest if you have nothing to add you don't. If you took the time to read my post, it remarks that my experience has been 'horrible' not my husband.
Jessiecat- very good idea... thank you.. I'll do it now whilst I'm in bed(again haha) xx

[Nat1512]

I'm currently 22 weeks and my OH has been amazing through the sickness and tiredness and all the other symptoms you get during the first trimester. However I'm currently going through a phase of feeling fat, down, very emotional and very insecure. Which in turn is creating a few arguments between us. I feel like I don't want to talk about it all with him and cause yet more silly arguments. And he keeps saying "im pushing him away" "im putting a wedge between us" and thinks that clearly make me feel worse than before the argument.
I just don't know what to do to pick myself up.
Xx