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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Mothers point if view of what your partner can do during labour.

72 replies

Firstimefreaked · 05/05/2017 22:25

I get the birthing class thing of support breathing etc, but what personal advice do you ladies have for a father to be during labor, he's a bit worried and wants to feel useful. During the labor I highly doubt I'll be coddling him but I don't fancy directing him either so any tips I can give him now would be appreciated x thanks guys.

OP posts:

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YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 22:28

Tell him in advance what your hopes for labour are and ensure he's happy to advocate those as long as it's in the best interests for you and baby.

Tell him not to offer you a cheese sandwich mid push like my DH did

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pinkiepie1 · 05/05/2017 22:47

And tell him not to eat anything in front of you if you're starving an in need of an emergency section.

My dh sat and drank a can of coke in front of me and ate a bag of quavers... In that moment i think i hated him slightly lol.

My dads best one was when my mum was having my sister, him asking her if she was going to be much longer cos he was getting bored.

My dh said he couldn't do right for doing wrong when it came to it. (i don't remember it being that way) but as long as he's supportive that's all that he needs to do. And if you need something from Drs or midwife get him to stand up for you as some seem to think you are irrational just cos you're in pain. (Again maybe just my experience.)

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Wolfiefan · 05/05/2017 22:49

First labour. He poured water on my back during a water birth through each contraction. DS was back to back. Ouch!!
Second. He was the only one to realise I had gone from not in labour to about to push within half an hour.
Thank fuck for DH!!

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Wolfiefan · 05/05/2017 22:50

Fetching you stuff.
Speaking out for you if you can't.
Calling a mw if you need one.

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CabbagePatchKid91 · 05/05/2017 22:51

OH rubbed my back, apparently. I was so out of it on gas and air I can't even remember him being in the room

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aprilanne · 05/05/2017 22:53

well i told my hubby to bugger of out of room .he was never there for any my three births so i dont suppose that helps but just do what feels comfortable ..but tell him not to ask daft questions like is it really that sore

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Batghee · 05/05/2017 22:55

it totally depends on what goes on during your labour. Every labour is different. So i think the best thing for him to do is just to be there and listen to what you need him to do at the time. You may need to direct him a little as whatever plans you had in mind for your labour may change dramatically as it actually happens.
Maybe try to run thru all the different things that might happen and what you would want from each situation in an ideal world.
Bare in mind though that what you think you want in theory may not turn out to be what you need at the time.
During my labour the i got really hot so my husband spent the majority of the time running up and downstairs to the foyer to buy ice lollies that i could rub on my face haha!
I found it helpful that he didnt panic and just kept telling me i was doing great.

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BertrandRussell · 05/05/2017 22:55

I insisted that he "rubbed" my back so hard I had bruises. He hated doing it but he did whatI wanted.

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AlexandraEiffel · 05/05/2017 22:56

Mine put his hand just so on my back. I growled at him when he dared to briefly remove it.

If you have a home birth he can also spend hours and hours filling and refilling your birth pool.

Really their role is to do whatever they're told, no matter how bizarre.

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Intransige · 05/05/2017 22:57

Tell him to pay attention. Listen to what the midwives are saying/asking, keep a watchful eye on you etc. And think for himself, not ask you every five seconds what you want.

Most importantly, not to take anything personally. It's not about him and you won't be quite your normal self!

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Firenight · 05/05/2017 22:59

Mine filled the birth pool, baked goodies, fed the midwives cups of tea. My friend was more use as an advocate when we transferred to hospital and DH was too emotional and tired!!

Home labour both times; home delivery too second time. He definitely felt like less of a spare part at home. I didn't need him helping with breathing!

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MollyHuaCha · 05/05/2017 23:03

Asking her if she was going to be much longer cos he was getting bored.

Love this!

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SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 05/05/2017 23:05

Make sure he knows your wishes so he can stand up for you if needed. DP really made my case when I was in too much pain and a bit high off gas and air to be coherent.
Offer water, juice and lip balm at regular intervals.
Do not eat smelly food.
Tell you you can do it if you're struggling, don't just panic and tell the midwife to get the pethidine! DP hated seeing me in pain and was all about the drugs, but I wanted to hang in there, just needed the support. Obviously if you're up for pain relief then this rule doesn't count... No blue Peter badges for being brave!
Know where everything is in the hospital bag, refreshments etc or for dressing baby afterwards if you're still high as a kite!
Don't watch the machine that shows you when contractions are coming and "helpfully" point it out when you're about to have one! This was DPs favourite part of labour and I would have knocked him out if I was capable.
Stay away from the business end!

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Neverknowing · 05/05/2017 23:17

DON'T PULL FACES. Seriously. I know I look like shit that's not helping.
Let him know now you will probably be shouting at him that he did this to you and you hate him. Also, it's not going to be as much of a miracle moment as he thinks, it's going to be horrible for him he's watching the person he loves in pain! My partner thinks it was just as bad for him as it was for me (was it fuck)

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YouCantArgueWithStupid · 05/05/2017 23:38

PP reminded me! I made him rub my back whilst I was over a ball on the crash mat. After a contraction I farted really loudly in his face and I said "well that'll learn you to take me from behind" 😂

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annlee3817 · 05/05/2017 23:56

I got my Dh to put his foot down with things I couldn't express mid contraction, other than that though I really didn't want him to speak or touch me, apart from when I was pushing. I used him to hold at that point. He did make me drink fluids though, I bought a sealed cup with a straw that went to the bottom so that I wouldn't have to tilt my head to drink, and a big bottle of still lucozade. I was sick a lot during labour and my Dh was great because I avoided a drip because he kept making me drink. I found it was the little things :)

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coldcanary · 06/05/2017 00:00

Stay calm and keep me calm and focussed. That was it for me.
(Along with stay away from the business end because nobody will pick you up off the floor if you pass out)

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traceysn3 · 06/05/2017 00:05

my husband with our 1st just cried the whole time, i thawt it was sweet the 1st couple of crys but then it got to the point i was having a contraction and comforting him telling him everything will be ok!
with our nxt 2 he was alot better massaging my back and making the midwives cup of teas as we had 2 home water births x

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MakeItStopNeville · 06/05/2017 00:17

He needs to listen to you. He needs to accept that you may want pain relief even though you may have said you didn't. He needs to massage your back and then stop the moment you tell him to. He definitely shouldn't eat a foot long Subway in the delivery suite (ain't that right, DH?!). He needs to be strong...that's the whole point of him being there. He needs to not take offence when you shout at him and lose patience, even though he probably hasn't done anything wrong. And he needs to know it's ok to cry when your healthy baby is safely delivered.

The rest is all down to personal preference. I'd have murdered my DH if he'd been like Robbie Williams, for example!

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Oysterbabe · 06/05/2017 10:12

He whatsapped the family group to keep them abreast of developments, tracked down midwives for me when I wanted to see one, timed contractions and that was about it really. When things were further along I wasn't really aware of him, I had my eyes closed and focused on breathing through contractions and staying calm.

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Berrybakecake1 · 06/05/2017 10:49

With ds the midwives and doctors all asked if dp was a midwife he was so good at monitoring me that they practically left him to it. Even in theatre when i had to have an emcs instead they thought he was brilliant and didn't even put a screen up so he watched everything and asked questions even helped resuscitate ds.
With dd he only just made it to theatre in time to see her born.

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WinkyisbackontheButterBeer · 06/05/2017 11:06

Honestly, you don't know until you are there. I assumed that I would want my back rubbing. DH started and I immediately pushed his hand away.
I didn't want to be spoken to and went into myself when the pain was bad. It was my way of coping.
DH fed me drinks, wipes my face with a cold cloth and held my leg while I pushed.
When I had to go for an emergency csection he sat next to me and talked about what he could see. Basiscally he kept me calm.

Mainly he needs to be led by you and not take anything that you say or do during labour to be a personal slight.
My friends husband had a big paddy because she told him to shut up during a contraction. he is a fucking dickish man child

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LaPharisienne · 06/05/2017 11:10

For us, there were a couple of hairy moments and difficult decisions to be made. I was not capable of thinking straight and I will be eternally grateful for DP taking control. He is a very sensible and unflappable person and it was wonderful.

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Isthisusernamefree · 06/05/2017 15:01

I was in for a bleed for 8 hours a couple of weeks ago and I could have killed my OH. He moaned about being bored, he fiddled with everything, he had a nosey through all the drawers, he tried to turn on the scan machine and insisted he could do it himself, he told awful dad jokes, he measured his head and thigh and bicep with a tape measure he found...then he got in a strop and pissed off out for a walk just before the Dr came in to explain what was causing the bleed and so missed it, then moaned I didn't ask the questions that he would have done.

So I don't think he'll last too long in the room when it comes to the birth, I'll be kicking him out sharpish lol I spoke to my mum about it and she suggested I buy him a handheld console to distract him and say it's from the baby! I'm also going to get him a book of updated dad jokes to expand his very limited and often repeated repertoire!

But it's my first so I've no idea what he can do to be useful! He's got two boys so he will hopefully have more idea of the process than me!!

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Tigerblue · 06/05/2017 15:33

Just being there and if you need a midwife, he's concerned or you want anything, track someone down for you. As said, discuss your wishes for the birth - if you're getting tired he can help and support with your wishes. You may not be thinking straight in labour, so if there are any questions he has to help you both understand or he wants to know why something is happening, I'd want him to be free to do that.

I was in labour quite a long time and sent my home to feed the cats even though I knew someone was doing it. Sounds a silly thing but it helped me to know they'd had company. He was pretty much with me for 31 hours and just sat quietly, but your DH might want to take a couple of magazines/a newspaper.

I have long hair and I wished he'd combed my hair as it was a struggle to get the tangles out!

When I had my first shower after the birth, I asked him to stay with me - I was very shaky after the maximum top up epidurals and nursing staff weren't able or willing to do that. This was the thing I think that helped me the most.