Parents of adult children
What decision do I make??
crazylady121 · 17/07/2022 23:00
My daughter who is now a young adult,suffers with social anxiety and doesn't like change doesn't want to move house.I want to do swap so I can move my life on with my partner.He has teenage children part time so need a bigger house to blend both families.My daughter doesn't want to move and wants to stay in the house.She doesn't work and it works out more financially viable for myself and partner to move through swap.The decision is causing so much upset but I know I want to under same roof as my partner.Do I stay in house and live unhappy or make the move for happier future.
Ragwort · 21/07/2022 07:33
18 months is really not a long time to know someone and move in with them if
they have three teenage DC at home (even if not full time). It's not the same as two younger, single (ie: No DC) people meeting and planning their future together. Presumably this guy is in his 40s/50s.. do 40 year old men really 'insist' on a woman moving in with them for purely altruistic reasons or is he looking for a housekeeper?
Luredbyapomegranate · 21/07/2022 06:56
Obviously you move.
You’d be doing your daughter no favours at all allowing her to use her anxiety to limit life like this. Get her to the GP for some treatment.
crazylady121 · 21/07/2022 06:47
I am having counselling which is helping me to be more assertive.My partner is a very caring,understanding person,we have been together 18 months.He's just been honest that he doesn't want a separate relationship forever.My daughter doesn't have therapy,refuses to talk to people,I do all her doctor appointments,she won't even talk on phone to people.
Ladybug14 · 21/07/2022 06:37
Your partner will leave you if he doesn't get his own way? I think your DD is doing you a favour here. Please don't move in with him
ihatethecold · 21/07/2022 06:35
Op I would recommend some counselling/therapy for you.
you’ve been through an abusive relationship and now seem to be stuck in the middle of two people.
you love them both but I wonder if you could do some work on yourself to be able to use and understand boundaries.
to be able to talk through your worries and wishes in a confidential space.
CourtneeLuv · 21/07/2022 06:34
I don't think he sounds abusive. How many times are women on here told to outline what they want, set a deadline and if children/marriage hasn't happened by then, move on?
I say move op, suggest your dd approach the council to take over your current house if she wants to stay there that much, she'll get brought into the real world sharpish.
Ragwort · 21/07/2022 06:33
Just re-read your post, if your DP has three teenage DC that live with him part time is he looking to you to help out? Do you really want to go back to having teenagers at home when your own DC have grown up? Even if you are not expected to cook, clean and care for these teenagers and I bet you will be it s bound to be a very busy, noisy household - as a DM to a grown up DC myself I can think of nothing worse.
Ask yourself why he's so keen for you to move in? And is it the right thing for his DC?
Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 21/07/2022 06:31
Have you done the Freedom programme? Sounds as if you are being controlled by two people and need to take some time to decide for yourself what you need/ want. Sounds as if your dd needs some more external support.
Ragwort · 21/07/2022 06:25
Regardless of your DD's issues your DP doesn't sound great, why is he threatening you with 'walking away' if you don't move in with him? That is not the sign of a loving relationship between two adults. Why is he so desperate for you to move in with him? Would you be giving up your own home and financial independence?
It sounds like your life choices are being dictated by two different people, take time to make your own, independent decisions.
HappyHappyHermit · 21/07/2022 06:16
Your partner sounds quite controlling, how long have you been together? He doesn't sound like he is putting you and your situation first at the moment if he is not willing to wait a little.
I think I would intend to move hut would give your daughter time, so say to her in x months I will be moving in with my partner. This way she (probably with your support) will have time to try and prepare herself mentally for the change.
MolliciousIntent · 21/07/2022 05:59
What help is your daughter getting? Medication, therapy?
crazylady121 · 21/07/2022 05:30
Thanks for your thoughts on this.My head is all over place and I will take all your opinions on board.
abdidab · 20/07/2022 22:37
You say your previous partner was abusive. For this reason alone please take things slowly with your partner.
I wouldn't rush to move but I would make it clear to daughter and partner that it is you plan in the next few years.
A partner that won't wait is not the right partner for you.
crazylady121 · 20/07/2022 22:03
She hadn't been out since July 2021 but has recently been out to few gatherings which she doesn't find easy.She's telling me that just as she tries to get on her feet I do this.I have always supported her but just need a life of my own now.I've been dealing with this problem for 7 years ,she didn't do her last years at school as couldn't cope.My partner isn't black mailing me,he is being honest what he wants from this relationship,I don't want to be living separately forever either.
Johnnysgirl · 20/07/2022 21:47
Does she expect to live with you forever? She must understand that she can live where she pleases when she's self funding?
Social anxiety shouldn't prevent anyone either studying or working for a living.
What are her plans?
Pattypatience · 20/07/2022 21:42
Oh he doesnt sounds great.. how long have you been together.. that sounds alarm bells to me that he is pretty much blackmailing you to move in
crazylady121 · 20/07/2022 21:32
I told my daughter about move and she had massive melt down.Doesn't want to live with me and partner,wants to stay in her secure place.My last partner caused a lot of trauma(domestic abuse) so I get she is wary .My older children love my partner and have a good relationship with him as I do his 3 children.My partner has made it clear if we can't be under same roof he will walk away for sake of my daughter.I'm devastated at thought I may lose him.
XDownwiththissortofthingX · 19/07/2022 05:09
You can't put everyone else's life on hold just because of your daughter's anxiety. Compassion and empathy doesn't come at the cost of everything else being thrown out of the window. You have your own mental wellbeing, and that of your partner and his children to consider also.
ShippingNews · 19/07/2022 05:07
I'd recommend moving. My sister is still stuck in the same house with her son who is in his 40s, for similar reasons. Life has passed her by because she couldn't stand up to him. He happily lives in his little comfort zone, and seems to have no understanding of the sacrifice that his mum has made for him. Don't let this happen to you !
crazylady121 · 19/07/2022 04:55
This is so hard ,I feel stuck in the middle of daughter and partner.
crazylady121 · 18/07/2022 10:26
Thank you for your responses.Sometimes it helps to hear opinions from outsiders who don't know you personally.I will take all opinions on board.
itsjustnotok · 18/07/2022 07:42
I think you need to do this for yourself. How long will you put off living because she has anxiety. At some point she will need to find some way of living with her anxiety. It’s hard! It’s taken many year for me to manage mine and it doesn’t sound like it’s as bad as your daughters. Good luck!
crazylady121 · 18/07/2022 07:24
My daughter is 19 but doesn't work due to her mental health
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