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What decision do I make??

52 replies

crazylady121 · 17/07/2022 23:00

My daughter who is now a young adult,suffers with social anxiety and doesn't like change doesn't want to move house.I want to do swap so I can move my life on with my partner.He has teenage children part time so need a bigger house to blend both families.My daughter doesn't want to move and wants to stay in the house.She doesn't work and it works out more financially viable for myself and partner to move through swap.The decision is causing so much upset but I know I want to under same roof as my partner.Do I stay in house and live unhappy or make the move for happier future.

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crazylady121 · 14/08/2022 11:32

Thank you all for responding,positive or negative,all opinions have helped me stand back and look in at situation.

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MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/08/2022 22:08

That sounds very positive, I’m glad your daughter has coped well with you being away and is doing better. It sounds like you may be right that she has become overly dependent/ reliant on you and it may be good for her to have to take a little more responsibility for herself and to have a little purpose. Splitting your time between the two households seems like a good compromise for now and a good way to test how well living with you partner and seperately from your DD could go. At 19 she is still young and I think you do need to take her needs into account, but equally you can’t spend the rest of your life alone (unless you want to) just because your adult daughter doesn’t want to move so it is reasonable to start taking some steps towards the two of you living independently from each other.

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crazylady121 · 10/08/2022 22:03

Have not yet resolved or made decision but wanted to just add this to discussion. I've just been away for two weeks,FaceTiming my daughter every day to check in .She has been doing jobs around house,her mood seemed to have lifted slightly and in general she coped ok.I'm now thinking that maybe when I'm about 24/7 she relies on me too much.I think us having space from each other is a positive.For now I'm going to split my time between our two homes and see what future holds.

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crazylady121 · 25/07/2022 21:59

Thank you all for your replies.I will return on here and let you know progress.Having outsiders views that don't know us personally is very helpful and is much appreciated.

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KangarooKenny · 25/07/2022 21:46

You need to put your daughter first. She is so young, to be suffering with her MH and to possibly lose her home. You need a plan, to work towards a goal.

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MeridianGrey · 25/07/2022 21:38

When you said in OP “adult daughter” I expected her to be older. Most this age still live at home, some are at university but home in holidays. I would put her first tbh.

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crazylady121 · 25/07/2022 21:23

I'm all up to taking everyone's opinions,or I wouldn't have spoke out on here.When you say (perple) that I didn't put my daughter first because I involved her in an obusive relationship.My daughter actually got on with him but unfortunately he turned on us both and if I'd known that was going to happen he wouldn't have got over my doorstep.No one says let's take this man into my home so he can abuse me and my daughter.My daughter knows I'd protect her and be there no matter what,

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crazylady121 · 25/07/2022 17:09

We've been through the social system,unfortunately wasn't much help.Myself and family are her main support.

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Soggycrisps · 25/07/2022 13:57

Since she's had issues since being a child I don't think it's fair to expect usual milestones. Just because she's an adult doesn't mean she's ready to live independently. Has she got a social worker? If not look into it.

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crazylady121 · 24/07/2022 22:14

She's had behaviour problems from age of 5.In teens it got worse.Because of her lack of communication,I feel system let her down.She has come long way in last 5 years .It has been a struggle but I would never put a man before her ,happiness or not.

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WudYouSayItInRealLife · 24/07/2022 21:51

18 months is a fairly short relationship especially as you have been in bad ones before. Surely there is a middle ground with this. Why don't you wait another year or so before considering moving in with your boyfriend. Where does your boyfriend live at the moment? Moving in with him and his teens (even though the teens are part time) would be a massive ask for anyone let alone for your daughter. Why can't you just date for a year or so longer?
How long ago was it that your ex was off the scene?

I get that you are worried about your happiness but I couldn't be happy if I knew one of my kids was suffering. Presumably you believe her MH issues are very genuine otherwise you wouldn't have left her not attend school for the last ten years.

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crazylady121 · 24/07/2022 21:36

Negative or positive,all your opinions count.I am taking all your opinions on board.I have made few mistakes in my life where partners are concerned and intend to make no more.

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Soggycrisps · 24/07/2022 15:46

Put your daughter first.

The best for your daughter might be for you to support her moving out anyway.

Why is he in a rush to live with you? Is it so you can do his housework?

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Riverlee · 24/07/2022 15:42

I agree @Perle. This dc hasn’t been out since July 21, and op is expecting her to look after herself, buy food etc. Also, how is dc going to finance this.

I get that op wants to move on with her life, and is maybe tired of her dc having all these problems, but she can’t just abandon her.

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Perple · 24/07/2022 15:20

But the thing is - the ops daughter is damaged as a rsult
of the childhood the op gave her. So what at 19 she’s suddenly supposed to snap out of it and move out and somehow manage an independent life even though she doesn’t have those skills because of her childhood?

all well and good for the op to put herself first and crack on with her shinny new life - what about her daughters needs? The daughter has no skills or means to put her own needs first.

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WinterMusings · 24/07/2022 15:19

@crazylady121

your daughters feelings aside, you've only been together 18 months, how long were you single before that? You've left an abusive relationship - what work have you done on yourself since then.

your daughter lived through that abusive relationship as well, even without her anxiety I can see why she's not impressed with being moved in with the new bloke.

im not sure you've done enough work on yourself before getting onto this relationship. 18 months after an abusive relationship from your side, 3teenagers from his side. Now he's saying if you won't move in with him, he's going to end up, everyone else can see this us controlling/abusive, only you can't. He might be better then your ex, but he's no prince of men AND he's trying to have you believe it's for your daughters sake. It's not, it's for him to Dave money & share the care of his : teenagers.

you need to open your eyes. Moving in with him & giving up your independence woukd be extremely foolish.

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hattie43 · 24/07/2022 15:12

HappyHappyHermit · 21/07/2022 06:16

Your partner sounds quite controlling, how long have you been together? He doesn't sound like he is putting you and your situation first at the moment if he is not willing to wait a little.

I think I would intend to move hut would give your daughter time, so say to her in x months I will be moving in with my partner. This way she (probably with your support) will have time to try and prepare herself mentally for the change.

He doesn't sound controlling . He is also wanting to move on with his life just as OP wants to . He is being very honest in that if OP can't move in with him he doesn't want a forever relationship as boyfriend / girlfriend not undef the same roof

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hattie43 · 24/07/2022 15:09

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 19/07/2022 05:09

You can't put everyone else's life on hold just because of your daughter's anxiety. Compassion and empathy doesn't come at the cost of everything else being thrown out of the window. You have your own mental wellbeing, and that of your partner and his children to consider also.

This . Absolutely

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Perple · 24/07/2022 15:08

And you haven’t put your daughter first If you e put her through a previous situation of domestic violence - was that her father?

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Perple · 24/07/2022 15:05

after a very traumatic childhood when I was still at home whilst at uni (where I lived was normal to live at home during uni) my mother sold our house and moved to a new small house with her new husband where I had a tiny bedroom, wasn’t allowed to watch the tv in the main room and there was one shared bathroom. There was a lot else going on, it it was horrific and our relationship never really recovered and we’re nc now.

it wasn’t just you but also your daughter who went through your previous relationship.

its not like she’s had a lovely secure childhood and is now ready to move independently in the world. She’s had a vad
childhood and you want her to move in with a man she doesn’t have a relationship with.

it’s selfish.

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crazylady121 · 24/07/2022 14:59

Horrible position to be in.Can I live with myself if move sets my daughter back .I really want to be with my partner too.So difficult.Has anyone else been in similar position .

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crazylady121 · 21/07/2022 15:40

I have always put my children first,I just want chance for my happiness now.If only life was simple ah!!! Thanks all😊

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RoseMartha · 21/07/2022 08:18

Move. You cant put your life on hold forever for other people including your children.
I am just coming to this conclusion for my circumstances also it is hard to put your own needs first. I get that.

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crazylady121 · 21/07/2022 08:10

I personally feel that we should trial for while,my daughter managing living on own and us living together full time.I'm not willing to make anymore mistakes for my self or daughter.Saying that I have been given no reason to doubt that it will work,we get along magically.

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Riverlee · 21/07/2022 08:05

Your daughters situation reminds me of a similar thread, whereby a mother was surprised that her daughter was only entitled to £60 to live on per week. The daughter had a trauma when she was 14, but refuses to seek counselling, doctors help, has social anxiety etc. There were lots of comments on there about the daughters situation, and, at some point, changes have to be made, as the daughter can’t be a recluse for ever. Either the daughter had to take responsibility for her life (ie go to the gp etc) or the parents intervene.

I think you’re in a similar situation, in that you’re stuck in a rut. Maybe you see this move as a way out of the situation. However, it’s not surprising that a teen with social anxiety refuses to move into a new house, with strangers.

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