Wanting a second baby but boyfriend isn’t ready

[Amytay27]

Hi, I’m currently a mum to a little boy who is 2 in April.

I fell pregnancy unexpectedly in 2020 and myself and my partner were 22 at the time. I had a great job, we lived in a nice home and although it was a surprise, I’ve always wanted children and I was very excited.

My partner on the other hand was a bit all over the place and I thought he was just adjusting but when I was about 6 months pregnant, he left saying he was unhappy. It was an awful time where we were both horrible to each other. I struggled with what I think now was depression, I worked from home and I rarely left the home other to go to my parents. I felt shame and I was embarrassed of my current situation, didn’t tell anyone at work, etc. He then started to date someone at work (who he had previously assured me was just a friend) whilst ignoring me about baby updates. I accepted I would be doing this by myself.

Then after the baby was born, something clicked for him. We got back together, he finally matured and grew up. He’s a great dad and boyfriend. When he wanted to get back together, I said that I really wanted a second and we shouldn’t get back together unless that’s what he wanted too. He said it was what he wanted.

So now I’m ready for baby number 2. I’m so ready, I’m broody and it’s all I can think about. My boyfriend says he’s not ready yet and we should discuss later on this year.

But I’m absolutely miserable. He wasn’t there for my pregnancy or our son’s birth and I feel I deserve a happy pregnancy and birth where we are all together. I think part of me thinks that this will help me get over my first pregnancy.

I am very impatient as a person, but I just feel so miserable each day knowing I’m ready for #2 and he isn’t.

Does anyone have any tips or advice on how to get through this?

thank you so much

[Tumbler2121]

Please enjoy the baby you have instead of wishing the time away till you have another one. A bit more of an age gap gives both your children the opportunity to be “the baby”.

Others have said that you may be pinning your hopes on the next pregnancy being perfect, but life can be unpredictable, there are often other factors that get in the way whatever you plan.

[Eastereggsboxedupready]

Point to consider is that maybe you are keen for another dc to do it 'properly' this time. As in him involved and being a decent bf /df.. And he is having flashbacks to how he wasn't coping and doesn't want to do it again just yet.
2 years is still fresh to be reliving it!
Enjoy your toddler!!

[Amytay27]

I will try! Thank you

[Swiftswatch]

But I’m absolutely miserable. He wasn’t there for my pregnancy or our son’s birth and I feel I deserve a happy pregnancy and birth where we are all together. I think part of me thinks that this will help me get over my first pregnancy.

Having another baby with someone who isn’t ready is not going to make it a happy pregnancy, it will probably only bring up the old feelings not heal then.

You are still very young and your other child isn’t even 2 yet so it’s understandable your bf isn’t ready yet.

[Amytay27]

We can definitely afford another child. I made a spreadsheet of our outgoings so he could see money wasn’t a problem. We have a 2 bed house and he said he doesn’t think our son should have to share and another reason he doesn’t want to yet is the stress/ lack of sleep. He did just say he needs time, but part of me thinks he will never be ready!

Lovely outcome for you! :) What’s your age gap between your children?

[Eastereggsboxedupready]

Op he is telling you he isn't ready.
Best listen imo.

[MrsDanversGlidesAgain]

But I’m absolutely miserable. He wasn’t there for my pregnancy or our son’s birth and I feel I deserve a happy pregnancy and birth where we are all together. I think part of me thinks that this will help me get over my first pregnancy

It seems to me that you're pinning an awful lot on this second pregnancy to make everything in your life right again and turn the three of you into the perfect family.

[Reclining]

Your story sounds a bit like mine, except me and my partner were 24. He was the same in that he struggled through the pregnancy but things clicked when DD arrived.

I was like you, desperate to have another, but I didn't want to pressure him and risk another tense pregnancy. I think you've got to just wait for him to be ready. Has he given examples of what he wants sorted before you have another, or is he just saying he generally doesn't feel ready?

My DP changed his mind when DD was about 2.5, we'd bought a house and he was settled in his job.

I think having a calm and settled home life is more important than having a small age gap, but I know how it feels to stress at the prospect of it not happening.

[Viviennemary]

You are still very young. I don't think you should push him into having another child if he does not want this. He doesn't sound great though leaving you and dating somebody at work. Try not to revolve your whole life round having another baby.

[Amytay27]

Also just to add:

he did say we could start trying and then changed his mind! So I think this is also why I feel so let down.

thanks