Teenage boy happiness?

[axolotlfloof]

It hasn't been something that concerned me till DH asked, but now it's on my mind.
He wondered out loud if DS1 is happy.
He is contrasting him with DS2 who is 2 years younger and bouncy, cheerful (mostly) and spends time with us.
DS1 in contrast spends most of his time at home in his bedroom, and answers in monosyllables.
So is this normal for a 14/15 y o boy?

DS1 has friends, and spends time with them (most of Saturday and part of Sunday this weekend).
He loves him computer and phone and it is hard to drag him away from them.
He is hard to talk to, and in particular doesn't talk to DH.
He needs a lot of sleep and normally doesn't get up to lunchtime at weekends.
He is doing fine at school - never in trouble, completes homework etc.
He cycles 5 miles to school and back, plays football and goes to the gym so is getting a reasonable amount of exercise.
He is increasingly difficult to get to join in family things.
He is often rude and uncooperative but is usually pulled up on proper rudeness and will apologise.
Largely he just wants to be left alone - this is a hard one to judge as we would like to spend time with him but he can be pretty sullen/unenthusiastic.

So normal or worrying?

I have suggested DH ask him if he's happy.

[familyissues12345]

I have two very different teenage boys - one who's what you would call a social butterfly, loads of friends, always out, at his happiest with people - he's 18, but always been like that

Youngest is 13, total opposite, finds people hard work, has a few friends , absolute happiest in his room (actually has to take time out if we've had a busy day).

I've worried about DS2 for a long time, mainly due to the way his big brother is. Ive now realised it's ok, he's introverted and likes a quiet life!

[boonducks]

You are right to ask the question but probably wrong to worry.
Don't compare to younger brother because two years is a long time at that age.
He will come back. In 2 or 3 years you'll find you have a lovely young man who speaks to adults again. Meanwhile as others have said, find something to do together.
When mi e were that age we found something to watch . Like Breaking Bad. I hated it bit pretended to love it as much as they did.
Treat him to food out (food never fails IME).
Talk to him. Even if you don't get much back, chat to him.
Try and get DH to do the same, DH and my DSs are all very geeky and can out nerd me any day though I can feign interest in anything.

[InconvenientPeg]

I switched communication largely to WhatsApp with my son at this age. Funny memes or GIFs, I knew I was winning when he started to send some back. He's largely out the other side now but we still have great meme in jokes between us.

[OuchitHurtstoomuch]

I would still say we are close, he let's me hug him, and I tell him I love him every morning as he leaves the house (to which he answers, bye)

You should be mindful that he may not like you hugging him? Some people don't like being hugged and although it's nice for you it may not be what he likes and he may be letting you because he feels you would be 'hurt' if he refused.
I have three huggy kids and one that really doesn't like it.

[Usernameismyname01]

My DS (17) is very much like this and the best way I found to keep the interaction between us with me asking lots of questions and him feeling interrogated was to keep the relationship quite light.

We have a laugh together through our phone chats/WhatsApp (it's what he's on the majority of the day watching videos/texting, so thought he would text with me) it's short little burst of interactions, we send funny memes/gifs/videos to each other and text.

[axolotlfloof]

@Donkeyinamanger

It could be entirely normal, or he could be unhappy, as it sounds like you sadly know from experience there is really no way to tell whats going on in someone else's head without asking them. I would be fairly blunt with him, and ask him to put his phone down for a bit and actually speak to you. Tell him you love him and you are worried about him. That you are happy to leave him alone to game etc in private, but that you want to know he is OK, and there is nothing going on that he needs help with. Hopefully he will be able to reassure you, but if there is something going on, at least he will know that he can come to you with it.

Thanks.
I think you are right.

[Donkeyinamanger]

It could be entirely normal, or he could be unhappy, as it sounds like you sadly know from experience there is really no way to tell whats going on in someone else's head without asking them. I would be fairly blunt with him, and ask him to put his phone down for a bit and actually speak to you. Tell him you love him and you are worried about him. That you are happy to leave him alone to game etc in private, but that you want to know he is OK, and there is nothing going on that he needs help with. Hopefully he will be able to reassure you, but if there is something going on, at least he will know that he can come to you with it.

[axolotlfloof]

@JuneOsborne

I think it's at this age that you have to start finding new ways of enjoying some time together.

My son is a couple of years older and we've been trying to find that thing for a while.

What I've found is: he loves coffee. So, we go once a month, to a pretentious coffee place together, just me and him.

Previously, we've had a cheeky afternoon at the cinema (but it defeated the pont of being able to chat!) And we've done trips to the city centre. We've hung out in some of the cool places. We have also gone on the hunt for the best sushi together. We've hit on coffee and we now have a list of places to go!

It means we get a couple of hours together and we chat and laugh and generally enjoy each others company. Is there anything like that you could try together?

This sounds fab. Well done for building a grown up relationship together.
I gave him lots of options this afternoon, and asked him for suggestions.
The only one he would agree to is a short walk near home, but we will go with it.
He used to play tennis with me or go running (over lockdown), but he would rather go to gym, and wouldn't want me to go with him, now.
He would like to go and watch a Premier league match so I will try and make that happen next season, but it will probably be all of us as DS2 will be keen.

He wants to go to Australia and Norway, I am not sure we can make either of those things happen.

He likes London so maybe we can go there in the summer holidays.

[axolotlfloof]

@OuchitHurtstoomuch

With teens I think you need to be constantly checking that they are ok even if they seem to be happy.   I had a good relationship with my kids and was/am very close with them but I missed that one of them struggle with anxiety as they masked it so well. I feel a lot of guilt about it as there were signs had I given it more thought (they were active had friend, went out, exercised, had a partner and laughed a lot)

Can you get him to do things one on one without your DH or other son. Maybe a quick visit somewhere for a bite to eat? Doing everything in a group would put a lot of people off. I went out to play board games and have lunch with all my kids including my boys. We wouldn't go out long but we would chat and have fun. 



Are you giving him lifts anywhere? I had my best chats with my kids in cars! 



Do you think your DH might be the problem? Does he nag or try and control him? Is he boring or competitive? If it might be him then make sure you try and maintain your own relationship with your son. My kids (now adults) do a lot with me but don't like to hang out with DH as much. He is not as good as relating to them and is a bit uptight. They like him they just find him a bit hardwork. (He is) 



Is your son planning on going to Uni? If so then that could be a great opportunity to get to know him in more of an adult/ adult relationship rather than as you being a parent. 

I took my kids all over the country looking at Unis (I left them to it during the Uni day, I just provided transport as it was invariably cheaper and more convenient)  

At 15/16 you really need to make sure you try and reset the relationship and not treat him as a child even if he behaves like one sometimes. No nagging and no telling him what to do with things that are his concern like schoolwork. 

He sound like a good lad though.

Thank you.
He has deigned to come on a short walk with me this afternoon (DH is out with DS2).
I offered a short drive, short walk, cafe option, but that was turned down.

I do drive him places but he tends to just look at his phone/answer in monosyllables or sighs, but I guess that's better than nothing.

He definitely thinks we ask too many questions (of the where are you going, who are you meeting variety) although he will answer as shortly as possible. Actual conversation is quite difficult.
I would still say we are close, he let's me hug him, and I tell him I love him every morning as he leaves the house (to which he answers, bye).

[JuneOsborne]

I think it's at this age that you have to start finding new ways of enjoying some time together.

My son is a couple of years older and we've been trying to find that thing for a while.

What I've found is: he loves coffee. So, we go once a month, to a pretentious coffee place together, just me and him.

Previously, we've had a cheeky afternoon at the cinema (but it defeated the pont of being able to chat!) And we've done trips to the city centre. We've hung out in some of the cool places. We have also gone on the hunt for the best sushi together. We've hit on coffee and we now have a list of places to go!

It means we get a couple of hours together and we chat and laugh and generally enjoy each others company. Is there anything like that you could try together?

[Staynow]

I think his behaviour is perfectly normal, I wish my ds did half of that! He literally would never get dressed or leave his room if I didn't make him.

It just sounds like your two boys have quite different personalities, just because one is quieter and more introverted doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.

[HistoricMoment]

With many teens it's very hard to know how they are really feeling. Just because they excel at school and participate in team sports doesn't necessarily mean they're happy. I think it's great that your DH has raised this question. Why not just have a chat with your son about his life in general instead? Even if he doesn't offer much (verbal) information, a conversation in RL will help you more than a bunch of people on MN who don't even know him.

[titchy]

Do you at least eat dinner together? Do chores together? Holiday together? Drive him anywhere? They're all good opportunities to chat and check how he feels about stuff.

[toomuchlaundry]

I know it can be seen as quite bad form but we will watch Taskmaster whilst having dinner. Does mean we can have some interaction other than grunts!

[OuchitHurtstoomuch]

With teens I think you need to be constantly checking that they are ok even if they seem to be happy.   I had a good relationship with my kids and was/am very close with them but I missed that one of them struggle with anxiety as they masked it so well. I feel a lot of guilt about it as there were signs had I given it more thought (they were active had friend, went out, exercised, had a partner and laughed a lot)

Can you get him to do things one on one without your DH or other son. Maybe a quick visit somewhere for a bite to eat? Doing everything in a group would put a lot of people off. I went out to play board games and have lunch with all my kids including my boys. We wouldn't go out long but we would chat and have fun. 



Are you giving him lifts anywhere? I had my best chats with my kids in cars! 



Do you think your DH might be the problem? Does he nag or try and control him? Is he boring or competitive? If it might be him then make sure you try and maintain your own relationship with your son. My kids (now adults) do a lot with me but don't like to hang out with DH as much. He is not as good as relating to them and is a bit uptight. They like him they just find him a bit hardwork. (He is) 



Is your son planning on going to Uni? If so then that could be a great opportunity to get to know him in more of an adult/ adult relationship rather than as you being a parent. 

I took my kids all over the country looking at Unis (I left them to it during the Uni day, I just provided transport as it was invariably cheaper and more convenient)  

At 15/16 you really need to make sure you try and reset the relationship and not treat him as a child even if he behaves like one sometimes. No nagging and no telling him what to do with things that are his concern like schoolwork. 

He sound like a good lad though.

[axolotlfloof]

@toomuchlaundry

Sounds normal. Good that he meets up with friends. DS(17) social life tends to be online now.

Are there any tv programmes you can watch together? We are currently watching all series of Taskmaster, other hits have been Friday Night Dinner, Black Books, Live at the Apollo,

We used to, he always says he's too busy (gaming or homework) to watch TV with us these days.
I will try again.

[axolotlfloof]

@titchy

Bet he laughs when he's out with his friends. Does he ever have friends over? Why don't you get him to invite some over for pizza and gaming. I'm sure you'll hear a quite animated side of him you've not heard before.

It does sound like he's living teen-boy best life ever tbh. Friends, family, tech, own room, no hassle from school, minimal parental communication. Every boys dream that!

You are right that he has nothing to be unhappy about.
He hasn't had friends over for a while (he mostly goes Out, which is largely Mcdonalds or gym or occasionally someone else's house).
Good idea to encourage him to have friends over.

[toomuchlaundry]

Sounds normal. Good that he meets up with friends. DS(17) social life tends to be online now.

Are there any tv programmes you can watch together? We are currently watching all series of Taskmaster, other hits have been Friday Night Dinner, Black Books, Live at the Apollo,

[axolotlfloof]

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

Thanks for the Kevin the teenager clip, we have already watched that this week as DS2 turned 13!
DS2 is still the before midnight version, but DS1 if like a less communicative version of the post midnight Kevin.

[lljkk]

Any time he wants to talk, you listen. Be someone who he knows is a reliable listener, who respects his autonomy but will also honestly tell him what you think and why.

If he's facing decisions you don't like, don't tell him what to do. But you can tell him why X, Y or Z is the decision you think he wants to make. Give a line of logic about what you think matters to him and therefore why X/Y/Z is going to be a good decision. The final decision is still his, and your role is to help him figure out how to decide things.

You want to be the person he brings his problems to, and that means letting him make (most of) the final decisions about his life even when you suspect they might not be good decisions.

I can't guarantee that OP being a good listener will make the lad happy, but at least OP will know she did what she could to help him be happy and to learn how to make good decisions, take actions he later likes or at least doesn't regret.

[axolotlfloof]

@vdbfamily

I have a 17 year old who sounds quite similar. He works out, cycles 10 miles a day to college and back and games.
Communication is mostly via grunting
I ask him at least monthly to rate his life out of 10 and he had been a seven or eight for as long as I have been doing it. Occasionally I will push conversation as to what would be needed to make it a 9 or 10!!
It is a simple way of assessing where they are without a long conversation.

That's a good idea.
I just went to say good morning to DS (he's woken up while I was out with the dog), I said how are you, and he said fine.
I will try your rating system later 😁.

[titchy]

Bet he laughs when he's out with his friends. Does he ever have friends over? Why don't you get him to invite some over for pizza and gaming. I'm sure you'll hear a quite animated side of him you've not heard before.

It does sound like he's living teen-boy best life ever tbh. Friends, family, tech, own room, no hassle from school, minimal parental communication. Every boys dream that!

[axolotlfloof]

@YRGAM

As a former teenage boy I can contribute that this is totally normal!

Thank you.
I hate the thought that he could not be happy, but he seems content.
DH asked when the last time I heard DS laugh, and I really don't know.
Perhaps visibly happy is too big an ask.

[vdbfamily]

I have a 17 year old who sounds quite similar. He works out, cycles 10 miles a day to college and back and games.
Communication is mostly via grunting
I ask him at least monthly to rate his life out of 10 and he had been a seven or eight for as long as I have been doing it. Occasionally I will push conversation as to what would be needed to make it a 9 or 10!!
It is a simple way of assessing where they are without a long conversation.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

Seems normal to me OP.