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Paedophile grandad

18 replies

VLouise12 · 30/01/2022 20:53

I'm hoping I can reach out to anyone who is or has been in a similar situation.

My father in law which we thought was amazing was sentenced on 3rd December for sexually abusing both of our daughters. One is now 17 and it stopped when she was about 9 and the other is 11 and stopped also when she was around 9. It all came out at the end of June 2021 when he had commented on a dress the eldest was wearing on her what's app profile. He commented 'I like that dress sexy' with a sweating imoji. He'd been touching both of them for years under clothing.
My husband has lost all of his family. They have disowned him. He was never close with his brother so there was no love lost there, but his mum was his absolute everything. Any worries he had ever in his life he'd be on the phone to her. We saw her most days, went on holiday with both his dad and mum and had endless meals out/days out. The man we thought the world of was sexually abusing them when we went to work or had some time to ourselves. It took alot of guts for my eldest to reveal what he'd done to her and she only really knew she had been abused when she did sex education in year 6. He never denied it, he admitted it to the Police and his excuse was his wife wasn't giving him any sexual attention! I had to hear in court of how his wife was fully supportive yet she didn't go to court to listen to his disgusting ordeal. I heard lots of desperate attempts to try to stop a custodial sentence such as his wife needs help out of the bath, he's her carer yet she walks everywhere no problem, his elderly mother had medical issues and even one if his children was mentally disabled which wasn't true.
They think that we are 'punishing' my mother in law by stopping my children seeing her. Little do they realise that why would we put them in the company of a relative who supports the abuser to them! I just don't get it, also social services have warned us absolutely no contact as it is deemed unsafe for them to have a relationship with her. They don't want to anyway with the choices she's made. I just don't understand why she is staying with him? She makes me absolutely sick, he's the lowest of the low and has hurt her grand daughters so why would you not be repulsed by him? Why would you make an acceptance for him just because you been together 50 years? Her love for her son and grandkids was never real and it has destroyed her son completely. He turned to alcohol and still is to an extent and has sold all of his hifi to pay for it. He has nothing. We are selling our house next week to get out of the area as she lives less than half a mile from the house and we are surrounded by the rest of the paedophile supporters. I just can't believe it, we have nothing and I'm so frightened about the future. I have had breakdowns at work, feel depressed all of the time. I'm trying to keep it together for the kids but it's so bloody hard. We feel like our world is completely destroyed and I feel helpless the fact I can never take away what he has done to both of them for years.

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BodgertheJogger · 30/01/2022 21:17

You are not alone. You, your DH and your DDs are very brave.
I have this problem in my family and now live in a women's refuge.
It took my all to exit and tell.

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IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson · 30/01/2022 21:27

I have no advice (not that you're asking for any) but just wanted to say my heart goes out to you and your family. What a terrible, heartbreaking situation x

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VLouise12 · 30/01/2022 21:40

It destroys you, we'll never heal from this ever. The only satisfaction I have is he's in prison for the next 2 years and 4 month then out on licence for 2 years and 4 month. He's also got a SHPO for life and on the sex offenders register again for life. I just can't stand the thought of when he gets out and everyone will be welcoming him home with open arms. You are brave coming forward, there was one thing my eldest said as soon as she told us. She said that she feels like she can finally sleep properly at night. It was a massive relief for her. Big hugs to you, you got this xxx

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Teacake2000 · 15/07/2022 14:59

I wondered how you are now?

I am going through a different but not unrelated thing.

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Okokok123 · 20/02/2023 01:24

Hi Louise,

I am 23 years old and a similar thing happened to me when I was a child, however it was not just the one grandfather, it was both.

My dads dad was caught by the police watching indecent videos online, then to find in appropriate pictures of myself and my younger cousin saved (not sure if they were posted anywhere) and was arrested when I was around the age of 8. My Nan also chose to pick him over her grandchildren, and I have seen her since in very limited occasions but the elephant in the room was never brought up. But I plan on having this conversation with her at some point, as to why she chose to stick with him knowing what he had done.

The other I had vivid memories of, but was in denial that both could be. He was a carer to my Nan with MS so I never told a soul. After he died and my Nan also, when I was 18 I revealed to my mom what I had remembered.

She was distraught and blamed herself and I’m sure to this day she still feels guilt about it.

However from the perspective of your children, I never once blamed my parents. You should be able to trust your and your partners parents to look after your children and you were never to know that that was going to happen. Just be there for them, let them speak to you, as this never really affected me until I hit my 20’s and thought of having kids of my own where I struggle at the thought of leaving my own kids with anybody.

so please don’t ever blame yourself, unfortunately you can’t trust anybody in this world, but you were never to know, and I’m sure your children understand this.

you are a great mom <3

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fUNNYfACE36 · 20/02/2023 02:54

I am so so sorry for your daughter's x.it isn't your MILs fault though.

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Fraaahnces · 20/02/2023 03:26

Like you, I can’t understand how they can choose to fly against his own testimony - and of course that if your very brave daughters. They would be dead to me.
Meanwhile, society will judge them. They will be shunned.

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Lambchop1 · 20/02/2023 03:31

OP you all have each other - your Dh and the DDs, you don’t need that toxic family. People deal with grief differently and really that is what I think is happening. It’s grief in knowing who you thought he was is dead, and actually he is an evil man who even sought to blame his own wife for his evil. Let her live with that. Let her own her decision and move on with your life and your girls.
sending you strength 💐

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Lambchop1 · 20/02/2023 03:32

fUNNYfACE36 · 20/02/2023 02:54

I am so so sorry for your daughter's x.it isn't your MILs fault though.

She is standing by him ?! After that!
oh please.

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Alex Drake · 20/02/2023 03:35

This is a zombie thread from last year, getting weird vibes from it.

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Calistan · 20/02/2023 03:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Thenose · 20/02/2023 03:49

"it isn't your MILs fault though"

Yes it is. She may not be at fault for the original abuse, but she's at fault for letting down her adult son and grandchildren now, which is what the OP is upset about.

I don't understand it, either, OP. It's very common for partners of child sex offenders to remain with them after they've been convicted. I've tried to grasp it but, like you, I just can't understand how they get past the disgust.

There are women on here who get the ick because their husband gains a stone or eats too loudly. Elsewhere, women are wrecking their relationships with their children and grandchildren to sleep beside disgusting, perverted, child abusers.

It doesn't make any sense.

I'm so sorry for you all.

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LakeTiticaca · 20/02/2023 07:43

How awful for you all. I can't imagine the pain you are going through. I've never understood why anyone would stand by a man who could do this. Many of these scumbags seem to trot out the excuse that the wife didn't give them enough attention. That is not an acceptable excuse. Hopefully the whole lot of them rot in hell and I hope it was in the local.newspaper so everyone will know

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VLouise12 · 13/04/2023 12:49

It's hard nearly 2 years on. Our lives are still raw, I still can't believe after all this time that people have had to digest it that they have stuck by their decisions. Just goes to show a mother's love isn't strong enough in some cases that the perpetrator carries on with support. I couldn't sleep next to him in the same bed, I would feel that the love he had for the other half was never real and the fantasies that must of been running through his head all the time would bring sick to my mouth. I feel like they have managed to shove it to the back of their head and Bury it, I just don't and will never understand ever

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VLouise12 · 13/04/2023 12:49

It's hard nearly 2 years on. Our lives are still raw, I still can't believe after all this time that people have had to digest it that they have stuck by their decisions. Just goes to show a mother's love isn't strong enough in some cases that the perpetrator carries on with support. I couldn't sleep next to him in the same bed, I would feel that the love he had for the other half was never real and the fantasies that must of been running through his head all the time would bring sick to my mouth. I feel like they have managed to shove it to the back of their head and Bury it, I just don't and will never understand ever

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BMW6 · 13/04/2023 13:11

I'll never understand it either OP. Is your DH coming to terms with it better now? I hope he's dealing with the excessive drinking.

God knows I understand why he was, but he was only adding to his problems - and yours, and your girls.

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VLouise12 · 16/04/2023 21:03

BMW6 - Yes it's been curbed now and has been for a good while.

We've rebuilt our life with our girls and we're in a much better place altogether. It's just the pain that fails to leave, it's like a thick scar that won't go away.

Main thing is my girls, they are thriving now. They don't have that terrible pain of the secret that they were carrying.

They are both doing well and hoping for a better future

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BMW6 · 16/04/2023 22:56

That's really really good to hear, I take my hat off to you all for having the tenacity to get through that.

I hope the pain fades in time - I know it will never go away, but it can change intensity.

Flowers

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