I'm trying to figure out my significance and where 'it all went wrong'.
I once had countless friends and had one of the very few good things my Mum ever gave me, my freedom.
I loved music, outdoors, sports and people. I also loved to paint and loved animals. I never had a boyfriend until I was 16 because I was so busy enjoying life while helping everyone and anyone I could.
I was that girl that would suddenly be by your side when you looked worried or sad...even if we didn't know each other.
By the age of 13, I had been through more than most go through in a life time so I was rather good at giving advice and seeing a hidden sadness behind a glowing smile.
10 years on, 3 children and a husband - I don't recognise myself.
I have been in the same job for 4 and a half years and yet I never talk to any of my colleagues. Where music was once apart of everything that I did, I now no longer listen to music. I only go out for the school run and shopping. I haven't; roller bladed, played basket ball, rode a bike, gone for an outdoor run or played badminton in 10 years. I am a pathetic unsociable withdrawn mess around people.
I don't even let my children paint...and I secretly wish we never got our dog.
My main qualities of hope, optimism and 100% effort in every detail of my life has now turned to regular pessimistic outlooks and a constant yet stable state of 'I can't be bothered'. I even quit my job the other week, noone has even noticed I had left aside HR.
Is my only purpose to life to look after these 4? (My 3 children & husband). Is this what my whole life was about?
I don't mean to sound like I am complaining.
I don't mean to sound depressed.
My life is and always has been good and full because with every painful memory I have a good one which I focus on no matter how small.
I have always seen the good memory as the one that matters and I have always pushed the bad one to the side and gotten on with things.
Recently, however, I have stopped doing this.
Maybe, this is why I feel the need to ask: "Am I alive to just be a Mum?".
I have nothing else in my life anymore.
Right now, I am a Mum and that is all.
All my choices and all my sacrifices have brought me to this moment. My choices. I did it all.
.....
So,...I don't understand why I am not ok with it all? I'm trying to be. But I can't see things the way I use to.
I have lost myself.
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Am I alive to just be a Mum?
2 replies
ljl1415 · 11/07/2017 14:39
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