*tw* self harm. Anyone just feel they have nothing to live for?

[fidgetcube]

I constantly feel like im just a waste of space because Im autistic, adhd and tourettes. Not saying others should feel like that but I do.

I hate the tics, theyre fucking awful, so embarrassing and intrusive and stuff. Tourettes is a disability.

I hate being autistic, it fucking sucks, it might be a difference for some people but its a fucking disability to me. I have two friends, which I know is better than a lot of people but I barely speak to them maybe once every couple of months.

Adhd is fucking annoying too. Very much a disability for me, im unable to be medicated at the moment due to the mental health issues ive had in the past.

I dont want to die, I just feel like i have no good points. I self harmed again today, I dont do it very often anymore though. Nothing to worry about.

Sorry. I want this thread in this section as I know you guys understand.

[Tired2tired]

Hey 👋

(if anything I say sounds blunt, its not delibrate I just suck at expressing myself!)


Know how you're feeling, I've been there for years and years tbh, in the self harming, suicidal, depression cycle.
The autism can feel crushing at times at least for me, the lack of friends, job, purpose just urgh it sucked any happyness out of my life.

Its really hard, as I said I was in that cycle for years but self harming does not help only harm.

What makes you happy? Even little things, for me it was gaming and fingerboarding.
Can you try and do something that makes you happy every day even if you're really not feeling it? That's really what helped me, I still have to utter feeling of uselessness, no friends, job etc, but taking that time to do some thing that makes me happy every day really helped me stop self harming, even though often I feel I don't deserve that happiness.

Or you can reach out for support (it wasn't for me) but it might help you.

It really sucks, but I hope you start feeling better 💙

[fidgetcube]

@Tired2tired

thanks. I do have support I have a therapist, psychiatrist and family support. Though I’m alone till Tuesday.

im watching ncis which I love, and I’ve been to the gym three times this week. Next week I’m going 4 times. With a pt so I get chat and support.

I just feel like shit (not suicidal really just a bit passively, I dont want to do this anymore sort of thing). But anyways. Thank you for replying.

I just hate all these bloody threads on here about how much they hate autism and difficult it is with their child and how much they hate it. I get it I hate it too, but I feel like I’m wrong. Like everyone hates me because I’m autistic etc etc. I just I dunno. I hate what people say about autism, that it ruins people they’d be better without it. I feel like they hate me when they say those things.

[WeirdPookah]

It is tempting, but it is so self-destructive to read those threads, there are so SO many horrible people on these forums, those that would argue the sky was green with orange stripes to get a rise or to shit-stir. It's self destructive to read those world-is-ending threads by "autism parents" who refuse to acknowledge the sentence "my child is autistic" and constantly refer to them as "having autism" as if it's temporary or curable.

I have made myself have the discipline to not read certain places on here, (though thought I was safe on the food forum and still get somebody crapping on a positive thing) you need to stay away. Use ad-block if you can't. I use it to block the trending threads etc, so I don't see the misery of the AIBU forum.

May I ask a few questions? You don't have to answer if you don't want, I would just tailor some suggestions based on the answers.
How old are you? Do you have a job? Who do you live with?

[fidgetcube]

@WeirdPookah thanks. It was in chat unfortunately.

im mid late 20s. I don’t have a job too stressful. I’m trying to get a volunteering role at the moment. And I live with my dad and step mum (not technically step mum but you get the drift lol). The only time I’m not miserable is when I’m at the gym with my pt, even then I cry sometimes. I just don’t see the fucking point if anything. I hate a breakdown after working for 10 months 30 hours a week, that was 4 years ago. I’m still not right.

[WeirdPookah]

A volunteering role sounds like it might be great. If you like animals, shelters often need help, and they don't make small talk! 😉

Do you get much support from your Dad/step mum? I'm glad you are not living alone.

[LivMumsnet]

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this, OP. We wanted to share Mind's information with you - it has practical tips on what you can do when you feel like this and where to get urgent help.

Maybe take a look and see if there’s anything which might be helpful right now: www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/self-harm/helping-yourself-now

Samaritans are there for you too, 24/7, by emailing [email protected] or calling 116 123. You can also see the resources in our Mental Health webguide here.

[fidgetcube]

@WeirdPookah im hoping to volunteer in a shop. I do like animals but only really cats and dogs, smaller and bigger animals freak me out lol. I do like seeing and talking to people.

my dad works abroad 4 on 4 off, so he’s away at the moment. And my step mum is visiting her family til Tuesday. So I just feel very alone.

[WeirdPookah]

Oh that's good you do enjoy being around people, I hope you get that organised for yourself.

It's difficult when your living situation changes, even temporarily, I know how weird it was when my husband was away in the US for work.

[Andsoforth]

Come over here as soon as you see those threads! This little corner of MN is so nice, particularly since it got hidden from active and the trolls don’t find us!

How did you self harm? Self harm has such a shame and taboo but ultimately it’s a form of self regulation. I find pain very regulating and since I recognised that about myself, I’ve started using it as a conscious strategy and rejecting the shame piece.

For instance, since I was very small, I sometimes bite my lip or dig my fingernails into my palm if I need to focus on something important like a doctor talking.
When I’m struggling, I press my thumb nail against the pad of each finger in turn.

Those are very subtle stims, I had less socially acceptable ones like pulling out my eyebrow hairs. And as an adult I’ve embraced bdsm, precisely because it can give me access to pain safely. And because I have that safe access, I can firmly draw a line between pain and causing actual harm.

It’s not something that can be talked about, and I won’t be surprised either if this post is deleted. But for me personally, recognising that I sometimes need intense physical stimulation, has helped me emotionally regulate and seek out safe avenues.

The fact that you are benefitting from the gym suggests that you are craving the benefits of endorphins. Are you on medication at all?

I really, really hear what you’re saying about these conditions being disabilities. I hate the superpower bs. To me it feels like a neat way to brush us off and ignore what’s really happening. Actually living inside my brain is fucking hard and some days overwhelmingly hard. I have days when I wake up and think “fuck, still here”. I’m not actively suicidal (too many people, and dc that would be hurt) but it’s just hard.

I find it harder and harder to be around people - I say the wrong stuff, I clutter under pressure and sound like an idiot, I hit the wrong note and I come home exhausted with snippets of conversation in my head for ages. But I also feel lonely.

I’m not very cheerful am I? Maybe it helps to know you’re not the only one though?

[chocolatebrownhair]

I too can relate so well and often feel like this. As the above poster @Andsoforth said, I'm not actively suicidal but there are days when i Wake up and just find everything very overwhelming

I relate to the loneliness too. I have moved so many times throughout my life that it has been hard to put down roots. I've also always been the friend that is there for others but nobody wants to know when I need a listening ear

As for some of the autism threads on mumsnet, I find I cannot read them anymore. they are constantly full of ableist comments about how their children may never marry or have kids and how they themselves will never have a normal life, never thinking about what their children might actually want for themselves. This is the only board I come to on mumsnet now.

I wish I could offer you more words of hope and comfort but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.