ADHD/ASD support thread - relationships

[TonyBravo]

Can I have an out pouring (again) about how fuming hard it is to exist in a marriage or relationship with neurodiversity? In my case my sensory issues and the fact I can't stand being touched or having someone expect things from me, I hate being needed, it makes me feel trapped.

I'm half way through an adhd assessment but I think it's clear to anyone that I have it and many who know me well have questioned ASD too. (I appreciate that's not a sub for an actual diagnosis and that there is a lot of co-morbidities but something is deffo up.)

Anyway. DH and I had a big talk a while ago, my MH has spiralled into an awful place and I had completely withdrawn from everything around me as I struggled to juggle all the many aspects of life, this lead to me telling DH that I was numb to the world, including him.

DH wanted to talk about our non existent sex life and intimacy in general and begged me to be honest with him. I said that whilst I believe I love him in whatever way I can, touch is really bloody hard for me as it feels so alien and uncomfortable, this included sex. I said for me I couldn't see it being on the table again for the foreseeable. I said that I would be willing for him to look outside the marriage (with pre agreed respectful boundaries) because I understand it's not ok to expect an adult to live without sex if they didn't want to. He firmly declined on the basis that a) his confidence would mean he wouldn't be successful and b) that if we opened the marriage up for him, we'd have to do it for me too and he couldn't bare the thought. (I said this wouldn't be an issue, I'm honestly not interested but he still declined)
I asked him if he wanted to break up, he also said 100% not am she started to have some counselling.

This was about 4 weeks ago, everything seemed to settle down and daily life resumed.
Today he says to me "what would you say if I made a move on you tonight?" I was a little taken aback due to the previous conversation but gently said "no DH, nothing has changed for me since we last spoke."

He then proceeded to tell me that he feels this isn't true because "DD had read my messages!" ... I got him to explain and he claims our 6 yr old DD read some messages I had sent to a friend where I'd said "I don't know if I have the hots for xxxx"

Firstly, that message was read waaayyy out of context, it was a a play on the Fry Futurama Meme where I had put "not sure if I'm on a tattoo dopamine high or if I have the hots for tattooists name" I think it was fairly obvious it was a joke.
Secondly, for DD to have read those messages she would have had to unlock my iPad and go into messenger and click on this friends picture to open the chat, all my messages are muted so I don't get notifications.

If I'm being honest I don't believe DH, I think he snooped and I'm hurt, it's happened before where he checked what he thought was my Mumsnet history and it triggered a huge fucking depression in him because apparently I spoke of previous sexual encounters (turns out it wasn't even my username!) anyway I'm hurt and exhausted and now awake again stressing with a day or work looming ahead of me.

I can't see how this relationship will work at the moment with this issue going on every few weeks. I know it must be hard for him, I really do but I can't see what more I can do. I can't force myself to want sex, he doesn't want me to just do it for him (which I appreciate) he won't seek it elsewhere. It's so bloody hard and the stress is really making me feel unwell.

[Clarice99]

@ofwarren

I expected more comments on this. I can't believe it's just us.
It's a very personal topic though I suppose.

I can totally relate to challenges within a personal relationship, but as you said, it's a very personal topic.

I feel reluctant to post. I wouldn't know where to start .............. or end!!!!! 🤪

It takes courage to talk about intimacy and not name change!! Especially on a small'ish board like the ND section. I think people who post on here and open up are brave.

[Percie]

It isn't just you, but it's very hard to talk about (for me, anyway).

I think having kids changed everything. Suddenly I have none of the head space I so desperately need and nothing left for me or our relationship - the kids take up all the everything. I'm completely touched out and need to have my body to myself.

[ofwarren]

I expected more comments on this. I can't believe it's just us.
It's a very personal topic though I suppose.

[ofwarren]

My marriage is very similar to yours at the moment, regarding sex. I too struggle with intimate touch and used to drink to dull this in the past.
I don't drink any more and we haven't had sex for months and months. There is literally no intimacy at all and I really don't know what to do.
I like firm touch, like I can have massages but the touch of intimacy makes me feel weird and uncomfortable and anxious.
When we do have sex, I can orgasm but it's all the leading up to it that I can't stand.
If I know he wants to have sex with me that night, I try to avoid it.
I wouldn't care if I never had sex again to be honest.