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Another loss

BoyMumofOne · 03/03/2022 23:08

Hello everyone. I've found myself here again while going through my 6th miscarriage. What a lonely time it can be!

I recently found out I was pregnant again, I'm not sure how far along I was as I wasn't tracking and it really was a surprise to see the positive test only for spotting to begin a few days after which turned to a heavier bleed today.

I think I'm just emotionally numb at this point and I feel stupid talking about it even to my mum and partner because it's got to the point no one knows what to say.

I've been feeling relatively okay up until today. I phoned my MIL to check how her and my FIL were as he recently tested positive for covid. I wanted to make sure they were okay and ask if they needed anything. She asked how I was and I honestly wasn't going to say anything but she asked 3 times and I just explained I sound like a broken down record and wasn't going to tell anyone but that I was having another miscarriage. She said she didn't know what to say and I said there's nothing she can say and that I didn't even know what to say myself. She then went on to ask... "is it only a matter of weeks?" To which I replied yes and she said "do they even count that as miscarriage?" Then later she went on to say maybe I will just have to accept that it won't happen.

I came off that call more annoyed at myself for taking time out of my day while going through this to ask how she was. I feel like I should have told her to f#ck off and hung up the phone after her first comment never mind letting her make the second.

Sorry I'm coming on venting I just thought this would be a better place to talk as you ladies have been in my shoes and understand what I'm going through.

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Ellie5341 · 04/03/2022 08:50

Oh hun I can't imagine how you're feeling, I have experienced one and that broke my heart- 6 is so much to cope with emotionally.

To some of us we get that positive result and that's our baby, no matter how tiny. The maternal instinct is there but so is the fear and worry. Wanting to believe it'll all be ok but having that overwhelming feeling it isn't.

Big hugs.

I think the older generation just see things differently and don't have the 'feelings' we do. My mum when first found out I had a mmc was saying don't worry/ it'll be ok. And I'm like, how? Then she saw me and said nodding 'you're ok though aren't you?' I said no I've never been so sad, she didn't like that and avoided me for days and when she text didn't mention anything- didn't even say are you/ I hope you're ok!
Not making excuses for my DM or your MIL at all but I see it that they just can't cope with acknowledging what we are experiencing (for DM I think it's her own sadness and helplessness). Although she's not giving me what I need!

@BoyMumofOne find who will listen / who is there- on here for example. Get what you need from those who will give it.

By all means I'll always listen!

On another note, have you had medical investigations?

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thaimoon · 04/03/2022 09:19

I'm so sorry for your losses Thanks

A loss is a loss at anytime it doesn't matter how early.

I came across this attitude from people when I was going through the same and I'm afraid it's not that uncommon. Sort of a stiff upper lip don't-be-too-emotional-these-things-happen type attitude that thankfully is dying out now.

One person (family) even told me I shouldn't upset others by telling them and should just keep it to myself.

I spoke to the midwife after one loss and she said her mother used to say a loss before 12 weeks is not really a loss. I wonder if that's maybe what women used to get told? But of course it's a stupid way to think and feel. You were 100% pregnant and therefore feel 100% of the grief.

My advice would be to speak to and surround yourself with people who you know will give you the love and support you need and deserve in this time. You should also give it to yourself. It's exhausting and isolating dealing with grief, hope and grief again repeatedly. If you can find others who have also been through similar you might find a better support network too.

Also, don't give up hope. You are strong and you have got this

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BoyMumofOne · 04/03/2022 13:05

Thank you both @Ellie5341 and @thaimoon for you replies I'm emotional just reading them.

My MIL definitely wouldn't have meant to hurt my feelings I think her generation just have the attitude of brushing things under the carpet and pretending they aren't there. It's definitely not the first time I've witnessed this ignorant attitude.

@Ellie5341 I'm sorry for your loss having one or six the pain is the same. Big hugs to you 🤗. My first loss actually nearly broke me. I was 13 weeks and it was a MMC. I have PCOS and was told it would be really hard for me to have children so when I got my positive test I truly believed I was given a miracle only for it all to be ripped away. After that I then went on to get pregnant with my son who is 7 now and I just look at him in awe everyday at how lucky I am to have him. He is my miracle and he's the best 💙.

At the beginning of covid I went for a lot of tests and also a biopsy was taken. During my previous miscarriage they had contacted me just to talk through everything and had told me all the tests came back fine but I was being referred on the the fertility clinic. I just don't know how long I will be waiting for an appointment and the more time that passes I fear I may never have another baby.

I'm going to contact my GP today. When I had my son he was delivered by emergency caesarian and during it the doctor had said something but I only caught the tail end of what he said as there was so much going on which was "it shouldn't prevent you having future pregnancies". I keep going back and wondering if something went wrong during that as I'm sure I haemorrhaged. I'm going to see if I can get a full report of that and also see if I can have my scar looked at to make sure it isn't causing any issues.

Thank you both for your replies honestly it's so nice being able to talk to women who understand.

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