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A whole new level of pain

Rainbowafterrainbow · 21/12/2020 11:56

I’m not really sure my purpose for writing this, I think I just needed to get this out somewhere.

I am currently going through my 5th miscarriage in the last 12 months.

I’m numb.

I have cried so much that my face aches. My whole body aches.

But perhaps the worst pain right now is that I’ve finally realised that my partner does not understand my pain in the slightest.

I apologise if this goes on. As I said I don’t need any responses, I just needed to get this out.

My partner and I have been ttc for 15/16 months now. I have children from a previous relationship. He has none.

I miscarried at 9 weeks in January, then again in March at 6 weeks, then again in June at a little over 6 weeks, again in October at 5 weeks, and now at just under 6 weeks.

After our 3rd miscarriage my gp referred me to a fertility consultant. We both had tests. Me multiple blood tests and scans, him a semen analysis. All results great, nothing abnormal. Told just bad luck and to keep ttc.

Now I know I’m no perfect partner and certainly don’t claim to be, but I also know that over the last 12 months the pressure of ttc and the feeling of hopelessness when I lose another baby, has most definitely affected me. I get moody and irritable with my partner, snap at him for things I know I shouldn’t etc. Thing is I know I’m doing it, and I still can’t stop myself. It almost feels like I want to start an argument so I’ll feel even worse, like it’s what I deserve - I know writing that down it makes zero sense.

My partner isn’t great at showing emotion, about anything. Not once with any of our losses has he been upset visibly. He tries to say what he thinks are the right things but most of the time to me come across as a little insensitive.

Last week I found out I was pregnant again. However, last night we had a big row, over my negativity and bringing him down. He feels he can’t cope with me being so depressed.

In all honesty I don’t know how to feel or be anything but negative anymore. Most days I feel numb like I’m just passing time going from day to day.

Last night my partner walked out and went back to his mums. While there he told her about me treating him badly and bringing him down by being negative. So naturally, as his mother, consoled him, told him to turn his phone off and be done.

He did come home in the end, and told me he’d told his mum. While I have no problem with him needing to talk to someone about our problems, what I feel unfair is that he’s painted me in this bad light by just telling her I’m negative and depressed but without giving her background and facts about why I might be like that and what has contributed to our problems. She had no idea about our losses or that we had even been ttc.

Anyway, he went to work this morning and when I woke I was bleeding heavily. More heavily than I had done with any previous losses, so I phoned EPU and was scanned this morning to rule out ectopic. Thankfully it wasn’t, but they confirmed a collapsing sac and a subchronic haematoma causing the extra blood loss.
I went to the hospital alone knowing he was at work and there was nothing he could do.
I did message him though to let him know what was happening. He said he’d call me on his break. His break came and went with no call. So I called him, he was furious at me for phoning him and actually shouted at me saying couldn’t this wait until he gets home tonight. What did I expect him to do from work etc etc. He reduced me to tears on the phone and then when he heard me crying told me to grow up and ‘go be a mum to the kids you’ve already got’.

I’m honestly broken. I had no idea he could be so utterly insensitive. I’ve not stopped crying since. I have nobody to talk to. My mum passed away a few years ago, my dad is elderly and wouldn’t understand these things, and nobody, none of my friends, I only have one close one, but nobody knew we were trying. I tried telling my partner that I just felt alone right now and in physical pain and needed him to be supportive and he just told me to wait. Then said he can’t cope with my nagging and that he’s ‘done’.

I explained that I felt if he’d wanted to open up to his mum about our issues then he should have given her all the facts so that she can make any opinions of me based on everything, rather than the lack of information he gave her. So he apparently text her and said “Mary (not my real name) had a few miscarriages this year” - he gave no context, just those words. So she replied with ‘well it’s not your fault love’.

Honestly I have never felt more alone.

If he wanted to leave me, that’s one thing, and I would have hoped for an adult conversation about that, but to say the hurtful things he has on the morning I tell him I’m losing a baby, I just can’t get my head around it.

It’s not like we’re young and only been together a short while. We’re in our 30’s, been together over 4 years and lived together for over 3 years. He’s been the most fantastic step dad to my kids, and up until now has usually been pretty thoughtful. I feel like I don’t know him for him to be as cruel as he has been today. He ended up hanging up on me while I was crying down the phone.

I think I’ve rambled, not a lot makes sense. But as I said I have nobody in real life to talk to, so this is my release. My children are here, and I’m trying to put on a brave face, but had to tell them I’ve got a headache because I’ve been crying so much and they heard me. I feel utterly useless, equally as a partner, a mum, and a woman.

Sorry for the rant. 😔

OP's posts:
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Puddlelane123 · 23/12/2020 11:04

Sending flowers and a hug and wishing you strength for the coming days. The feeling of loneliness in the grief resonates so strongly with me and I know from experience that is one of the hardest aspects of it all.

If you haven’t found Zoe Clark-Coates on social media yet please do look her up. She has experienced multiple miscarriages and writes so beautifully about it all. She truly ‘gets it’ and as a grief counsellor has also published some very helpful books on the emotional fallout of baby loss. I found it really helpful to read her stuff.

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Goatscheesewithhoney · 23/12/2020 10:52

I’m so sorry for your losses @Rainbowafterrainbow

I can’t imagine how you feel today, please rest as much as you can (can you stick the DC in front of screens for a day and hide out for a bit?)

I have only miscarried once and I’m not sure my relationship with DH could survive another one. I think our would break us as a couple, if not on an individual level.

He hasn’t looked after me in exactly the way I’d have liked him to, although he has picked up the slack with the DC while I have been struggling and been in bed, and I have been focused on my one pain so haven’t really acknowledged his or thought about who is supporting him.

Not because either of us are bad people, and we generally have a good marriage, but because it is so painful and the worst bit is happening to me and he is feeling helpless while watching - and because, like you I already have DC but he doesn’t, so it is his change to be a biological father that has gone.

Did your DH want to keep trying again and again? This isn’t the time for you to think about the future, just be kind to yourself right now and take it one hour at a time to get through Christmas. After Christmas though, some individual counselling for you might help as it sounds like you don’t have support other than DH, and it is a lot for one person to carry on terms of supporting you.

Sending you love Flowers

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JillofTrades · 21/12/2020 20:37

I'm so sorry op. I hear you. Its such an emotional and traumatic time for you. It sounds like your dp feels useless and can't help you, even though his behavior isn't acceptable. You sound like you are emotionally exhausted. Please be kind to yourself. You are not a bad person or mum. Just a mum who is going through alot. Flowers

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