Needing to get things off my chest after Miscarriage at 6 weeks

[Mntha88]

I just felt the need to write something as I had my first miscarriage on Friday 30th October at 6 weeks pregnant and I'm feeling numb, I wondered if writing something down would help.

Myself and my partner already have an amazing two year old DD, she will be 3 in May. Back in September we spoke and decided that I would stop my birth control and we would try for our second.

We never expected that a couple of weeks later I would be having a miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant at the same time! It was a rollercoaster of emotions!! I hadn't really had any pregnancy symptoms.. some breast tenderness but I get that sometimes with AF, so I assumed that my body was adjusting after stopping birth control and also thought that was the reason AF was late.

We had said that we would wait a week and take a test if AF hadn't appeared but then last Friday I started bleeding.. I thought 'oh AF is here'.... Then it got bad! My bleeding became extremely heavy and I started cramping, I decided to go to bed early and rest thinking that my period was heavy as my body was adjusting from birth control.

I woke in the early hours with more cramping and the need to use the bathroom.. I was horrified with what happened next.. I passed a huge clot and instantly panicked. I called to my partner who came to me and he was also shocked.

I said I think I am having a miscarriage (only from what I have heard from others/online/TV), he said "don't be so silly your not pregnant". I had a pregnancy test in the cupboard from my last pregnancy and asked him to get it for me to take.. we sat and waited for what felt like the longest 3 minutes and the positive result appeared.

We looked at each other with shock and sadness as we knew what this was likely to mean with what was happening to me at that time. We managed to get an appointment at the EPU 2 days later and due to Covid I had to go inside alone whilst my partner waited in the car.

At the EPU they took details of my last AF etc and estimated I was around 6 weeks.. hearing them say 'you are around 6 weeks pregnant" gave me a glimmer of hope.. then they did an internal scan and confirmed that there was nothing left and that I had had a miscarriage.. even though I already knew, I was devastated.

I then had to deliver the news to my partner in the car who I could tell was hoping for a positive outcome. We cried together and he has been a massive support since. I bled for another 4 days after the EPU visit.

My close family and two close friends now know about the miscarriage but what I have struggled with is the things that I have had said to me.. my partner for example (as amazing as he has been) made the comment of "at least we have this amazing little girl and we should be thankful and not dwell as it will affect her".. I agree she is amazing and I am so lucky, but that doesn't change how I feel about this loss.

Other family members have said things like "oh, it wasn't meant to be" or "everything happens for a reason". One even said "maybe it was a boy and you will struggle to carry boys".. I understand they are trying to be helpful but these aren't the things you want to hear.

The worst thing was that my close friend said to me "well you were only 6 weeks so it wasn't a baby yet and you should feel lucky that you didn't get to a stage that some people get where it's a real baby" !!!???

I have also found that as a week has passed, nobody wants to ask how I am anymore and it feels like everyone wants to pretend it never happened so that they can avoid that awkwardness.. even my partner doesn't ask how I am now.

Anyway, I have gotten some things off my chest now. Thank you for letting me do that here.

[leftitlate37]

im so sad to read what you have all been through,and the bad experiences youve had with EPU and scans etc - it must make the whole awful experience so much worse and am so sorry.
@Mntha88 youve kinda summed up what i was feeling- that a week goes by and its like u should suddenly be fine. tbh its really made me think about what i will do with friends in the future when they experience grief for whatever reason; and i'll check in with them more often for longer. I just think for other people tho, their life goes on and who knows what they r experiencing, and I think they probably just assume we're all fine!i hadnt realised how much a miscarriage would take its toll on me mentally and emotionally - nearly 2 weeks had gone by and did a pregnancy test that wasof course stillpositive. that day turned into the worst day ever and i really struggled with work and spent the whole day crying and just feeling like i've totally lost all self confidence. i dont think we had ever realised how long a process it is even with the physical side of things and for the bleeding to stop and for hormone levels to return to normal. anyway, im still struggling with concentration and focus at work and at home and felt pleased with myself for manging to build to some furniture yesterday. said to my mum i did it and i know she was being supportive, but she just went "well done you're back on it" - to me it just feels like thats it now, she expects me to be totally fine and not have any more bad days.
you are so right tho, that however commn it seems to be, you never expect it to be you.
there are lots of us experiencing this though, and perhaps we cant fully expect others to understand how we feel and how long it will affect us for - its something that were never gonna forget and will always be a part of us.
sorry for rambly post - thinking of you all xx

[Mntha88]

Thank you @Littleonefirsttime.. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine being that far along and being told that awful news.. it's heartbreaking ☹️

You are so right that there is no idea how it feels until you have been through it. And though we are told miscarriage is common, I don't think any of us expect to have it happen to us.

I also feel like you are immediately put into the "1 in 4" category and it makes you feel like you shouldn't expect too much sympathy.

I know that we are told that we won't know why we miscarriage in early pregnancy and maybe I am just seeing what I want to because of the time (6weeks) that I miscarried.. BUT, I am seeing a lot of people saying they also miscarried at 6 weeks or like you, had a missed miscarriage where they were told the loss would have been at 6 weeks. Then I wonder what the significance of 6 weeks is? Maybe I am just searching for answers.

[Littleonefirsttime]

I am sorry to hear about your loss @Mntha88. I went through a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks and found out the baby had died at 6 weeks. The baby then miscarried naturally at 13 weeks on the morning of my return appointment for the secondary scan and to discuss options etc. The whole thing was traumatic.
The natural miscarriage was a month ago today. I do know what you mean that it’s as if people forget in a way and don’t mention it or ask. I know what you mean about the comments too but I just think some don’t have a clue what to say and don’t necessarily mean any harm. Really hope you’re okay though as I know how it feels. It’s one of those things you don’t really know what it feels like until it has happened to you. X

[Mntha88]

Oh Fra03 I am sorry for your loss and all of the horrible things you went through.

I didn't make mention in my first post but I too had a nightmare in getting seen at first.. I called 111 and was told that the EPU don't open weekends so I wouldn't be able to see anyone anyway and to go a&e if I bled through three pads consistently.. I did but I had also passed the clot by then and knew deep down what was happening so didn't think sitting in a&e would be much help.

They also told me to call my Dr Monday morning which I did, the Dr's words were "I can't confirm 100% over the phone but I'm very sorry that you are probably miscarrying". He then referred me to the EPU and said to wait a call from them. They didn't call and it was near closing so I called them.. they didn't have a clue who I was and said they couldn't find a referral so I would have to explain everything again. I did and then was told to await a call back.

I didn't receive the call so waited until an hour and a half after they opened on Tuesday before calling them again, the receptionist was SO rude.. I was being very polite but was told "if we said we will call you back, we will. We are busy and you are placed in priority order".. I felt like oh so I'm not a priority. Also I just wanted to know when the call back would be be... Today, tomorrow.. next week!? She couldn't tell me.

Anyway another 2hrs and no call so I called them and explained that I had probably miscarried the early hours of Saturday morning and I couldn't face another agonising day of wondering and hoping and then admitting defeat and then hoping again.. this time the receptionist agreed to let me speak to a nurse. This nurse again had no notes on me and actually thought I was someone else that they had called 6 times and had conversations with.. I explained that wasn't me. Anyway, after that confusion I had to go through it all again over the phone before she told me to come straight in.

I felt panicked, it had gone from no urgency and no call backs to "COME STRAIGHT IN!!".

I went in and like you had to watch happy/nervous pregnant ladies walking the corridor as they were in early stages of labour, other ladies excitedly holding their scans leaving the hospital etc.. I don't know why the EPU is so close to these other departments ☹️

When I was given the news although the nurse was very nice and soft in her approach, she did also say numerous times "this is very common and happens to 1 in 4 women".. I was also told that by family. You don't want to hear it though, yes it happens to 1 in 4 but it happened to YOU and it hurts.

I was handed a leaflet on miscarriage and told there was no need for follow up or any other checks.

I have days that I wake up fine, like I was never pregnant.. then I get days where I am so upset and nobody can say anything to me and all I can think is there would have been a baby here in a few months ☹️

There were two other ladies in the waiting room with me and they were chatting happily as they had already been seen.. this was whilst I was still nervously waiting to be seen so I wasn't very chatty. But from their conversation I learnt they were both also 6-7 weeks and had bleeding but both had scans that revealed baby was fine and they were just waiting for their notes to be arranged so that they could make a midwife appointment, they kept saying ohh how lovely we will be due around the same time.. now I always think of those two ladies as they will be having their babies the same time as I would have been if things were different.. I am happy that their outcome was a good one but also so sad that mine wasn't.

[Fra30]

I found myself in a similar situation.

I fell pregnant for the 1st time in August, I was very nervous and had some stressors in my personal life although I very much wanted this.

I had breast tenderness but no other symptoms. But took a positive test.

I was continually crampy and spotting.

I sought advice from the hospital as my first scan was a while off, and was told no I cant bring the scan forward if im worried, speak to gp.

Called and waited for a nurse consultation, they can't help, call doctor, doctor can't help, refer to the hospital again. I gave up and awaited my first scan.

The bleeding got progressively worse, a period type bleed for around a week.

And then I awoke in the middle of the night in agony feeling like I was giving birth. Doped myself to the eyeballs with painkillers and went back to sleep.

The next day it got worse. I was plastered to the floor in agony, called the hospital and a&e said i would have to make my way down. Again, up to the eyeballs in painkillers and had to sit and wait in a&e, alone, taken 4th, and after obs, back out to sit in the waiting room, a very bloody urine sample confirmed pregnancy and I was sent home with 2 paracetamol until the next day.

Back to early pregnancy, alone, for a scan, they cannot see what they are looking for, possibly an empty Embryo sack, and fibroid, but they are questioning the pregnancy, so do an internal (excruciating) again, can't confirm. They take blood tests, and send me away with 8/500 cocodamol. I am brought back to the early pregnancy unit a further 3 times, alone, for repeat blood tests, confirming I was around 7 weeks pregnant due to my hormone levels, each time, I receive a phone call confirming, sorry to tell you, you are having a miscarriage. Which I already knew, but they forgot who i was each day I went back.

The pain of having to see everyone else walking around pregnant and happy was even worse.

Now, no follow up, no counselling, no discharge, no sick note, no nothing.

My first pregnancy experience has been truly shocking.

Back at work and back to life as normal and the sympathy has well and truly worn off. No-one knows what to say to you. And you become a '1 in 4' statistic :(

I know we are in the middle of a pandemic, but this system is truly flawed, there are vulnerable people out there right now who are not being given the treatment or dignity they deserve.

Mentha88 , I am sorry for your loss 💙