Single parents who work full-time, please tell me how you do it - how you juggle everything and keep smiling

[Rumbled]

So far as a lone parent, I've been able to work part-time, which has worked well around DS going to school - I've been able to see a lot of him in the gaps between school and him visiting his dad. I have found there's enough time to do housework, errands, cook some decent meals, and also see friends and enjoy some down time when DS's been with his dad. It feels balanced. Given my/our circumstances, I feel very fortunate, and DS and I have a lovely relationship.

My financial circumstances are changing, however, and in a few months' time, I'll know if I'll need to switch to working full-time, which is looking likely. I realise a lot of lone parents work full-time, and I'm in awe. I don't know how they/you do it.

I'm so afraid that, if I work full-time, I'll see so little of DS (nearly six): four rushed mornings and tired bedtimes a week, and every other weekend only. I won't be able to organise playdates (we have a few a week at the moment), and DS - who tends to be withdrawn in big groups and clubs - will have to go to after-school clubs because grandparents can't help five days a week. I worry that I'll struggle to keep on top of things to do with the house - housework, maintenance, paperwork/admin, cooking, etc - and errands. I'm worried I'll be tired and grumpy, and see less of friends/pursue fewer interests because I'll need to catch up on chores (and sleep!) when DS's with his dad.

I know I'm being really negative about this and worrying a lot. I suppose it's because life feels manageable now - balanced - and is far better than I ever imagined it would be as a single mum, and I'm reasoning that working full-time will surely upset this balance. My best friend works full-time. She's single too, and her life seems exhausting - and she doesn't have kids!

Please tell me it can be OK; how I can view this likelihood more positively. If you're a lone parent working full-time, tell me how you do it - how you juggle everything: being a good enough mum, doing a good enough job at work, keeping your home more or less in order, getting enough rest and having a life outside of all of this. Is it possible?!

Thank you.

[BlakeXBlake]

Hi ladies, I’m a single mother of one who lives in Kent while my whole family lives in London. I’m currently on benefits but I’ve also been looking for a job and nurseries since we moved and managed to find both but the nursery only has space for one full day at the minute (15 hrs free childcare, only takes 9 hrs) then the job is part time but requires me to be flexible (care work). Also in October I’ll be going back to study psychology through distance learning. So I’m wondering if there is any additional support we could receive to help us.

Thank you in advance
BlakeXBlake

[IndieTara]

You will be able to do it because you will find a way. Im a single parent and work ft and a separate part time job as well as after school clubs twice a week. No family support for childcare etc as parents live abroad.
Im always knackered, never go out because i cant afford it and because of this my friendships suffer.
However I dont have to consider an OH and can do everything in my own terms.
We just about get by but at least I'm doing it.
You will be able to as well.

[MahaChandran]

Stay strong dear sunshine !!! Its bloody tempting to quit and i have many many times thought of quitting the job but somehow managed to remove that thought...U can do it !!!

[MahaChandran]

Thanks Jeaux..that has given me a ray of hope im planning to use a nanny agency to find a live in mothers help...im also thinking of going for a mature lady who will be able to understand my situation and help...also trying to find some good livein in childcare.co.uk. its bit tough to find that one person but this time im going to be careful and choose the right nanny even if takes long !!!

30 mins swim a day is something too far for me now but its my dream..hopefully i can join the club one day

[requestingsunshine]

I work full time and really it's about getting good at juggling. I can't afford a cleaner or an au pair . We pretty much scrape through each month but we do manage and you will too. I have 4 dc and to be honest something has to give each day as you just can't do everything. I tend to pre-prepare meals each night for the next day so that we can eat good food (but sometimes that doesn't work out and it might have to be pizza but that's ok once in a while. I don't beat myself up over it). And sometimes the house is messy and the bathroom needs cleaning or the garden needs weeding or the cars a tip. And sometimes I do sit and cry in the bath because I think I'm failing my children for not being there when they get out of school/nursery. Then I pull myself together and carry on doing the best that I can. My children are loved, clean, well fed and still participate in clubs and activities. They have decent clothes and shoes and I very very carefully budget out a holiday once a year if I can (this year it's camping).

You will manage. And your ds will grow up knowing he has a strong mum who is doing the best for him, even though sometimes you will second guess yourself.

I could quit my job and live off the state and be no worse off. But I don't want my children to see me doing that. It's not who I am. It's bloody tempting though!

[jeaux90]

Maha do it, I promise like will be so much easier once you work out how to live together. Mine gets Saturdays and Sundays off and I am home most Fridays, and most evenings unless I am travelling. The blessing is being able to not worry about fitting in meetings and travel but also having time to keep yourself sane by doing the things you love (I swim every day for 30 mins)

Being able to say yes to dinner with a friend without worrying about baby sitting etc

I went with a mature nanny, she's from the Philippines and friggin awesome x

[NeverTwerkNaked]

How flexible /sympathetic would your employer be?
I do about 1/3 of my ours when kids are in bed or on the weekends they are with their dad... I am lucky I know to have a sympathetic employer and a job that allows that, but it could be worth considering?
Alternatively if he would thrive in after school (mine didn't like it either) then could you see if a friend woth a child he likes would have him in exchange for some money? My best friend used to Come to mine several nights a week for several years and we were like twins

I sympathise, I do, it's tough waving them goodbye every other weekend

[Starlight2345]

I did it but didn't manage.. I was miserable and exhausted. I felt I wasn't great at my job, was too tired to give my DS the attention he deserved.

I now work 32 hours a week and find it more manageable. I think that is the better balance for me. I could earn more but I grew up in an unhappy home with lots of money.

Could you up your hours but even give yourself one half day or a day a week. I was completely unable to get my hair cut until I found a mobile who would work past 6, I found it awful. Hats off to those who manage.

[MahaChandran]

By de way, I would like to say a biggg cheers to all the single mums in this forum and esp this thread who are all staying strong through all the troubles...My mantra is "Everytime I fall down, I will get up more stronger than before "..Big hugs

[MahaChandran]

Jeaux,
I totally agree with going with a live in nanny option. Infact after all the sleepless nights of thinking what will happen tomorrow, how to manage meetings( if at all i goto office if my nanny turns up ), I have decided to go with a live option. I'm planning to search for a mothers help as i found au-pairs are better for grown up kids and esp for my situation where my daughter gets sick very very often, au pair hours didnt match. Praying that things should turn well and one day for sure one day life will start to get better..Full of positive hopes :)

[feelingdizzy]

Am a long term veteran 2 Kids,13 years a lone parent,kids don't really see their Dad so its just us.
1.Be kind to yourself,don't compare yourself with others.
2.Each day be ready for the next,clothes out bags packed.
3.load of washing a day.
4.I rotate same few meals, and use slow cooker.
5.kids have jobs and responsibilities.
6.If it takes less than 2 minutes do it now.
7.online shop,everything amazon is your friend.
8.have cleaner ,recently. used to do 20 minutes a day ,hour at weekend.
9.have a finish time,I am sitting at 8pm if its not done,that's OK
10.occasionally, throw all the routine in and do something different,stop you feeling like a rat in a wheel.
11.plan but be flexible,also you are one person ,I am much practised at saying no sorry I can't do that.

[ENFJ]

Lower your standards. That's my main piece of advice. If I get to the end of the day and can say 'everyone fed*, no dead' then I give myself a smug pat on the back and await my Mother of the Year award in the post.

That's what I did!!

[ENFJ]

I've no tips! I did it for six months and it was tough. Internet shopping. Lowering your standards. Knowing that the kids' homework was probably shite and living with it. Forgetting to take the sandwiches out of the freezer the night before and telling them to just eat around the edges then. Outsourcing laundry. I was operating on a more immediate sense of panic! Every night it was 'omg what do kids need for tomorrow '. I was neglecting myself though. Smear tests, dentists etc....

Unemployed atm and I miss the money but I don't know if I could go back to that high level of panic. It's different for couples. They're a team. I'm less stressed now but I'm looking for part time work.

[jeaux90]

Maha I went with a live in since my daughter was a few months old. She is now 8 years. As a single mum with a full time job (and I travel) it was the best decision because of the house stuff and my daughter being ill etc.

Having a live in really enabled me to just focus on being a mum and my career.

[MahaChandran]

Hello ladies,
I'm a LP and in the same boat !! I work full time and trying to juggle things to make sure im providing a good life to my kid who is turning 5 soon. There is no help from family( Lost mum recently ) and no help from her dad. I have a live out nanny but since my daughter is born with a rare disease she gets sick very often. So me trying to keep up with the full time demanding job and begging the nanny to adjust her schedule when my daughter falls sick kills me.

I tried Au-pair once but didn't work out well. Planning to look for a live in mothers help to see whether i can manage. Its all scary on my own without anyone to even talk and cry. I hope one day things will settle down and god sends someone reliable to live with us to take care of my daughter. Please share if there are any tips that i can use who is a single parent with a sick child.

Thanks.

[Potentialpoochowner]

Lower your standards. That's my main piece of advice. If I get to the end of the day and can say 'everyone fed*, no dead' then I give myself a smug pat on the back and await my Mother of the Year award in the post.


*even that bit of the clause had wiggle room

[TurtleIsland]

Justthetwoofus - look for the entitledto calculator online and call the Gingerbread helpline for advice x

[Justthetwoofus1]

Help please!

Searching, searching but can't find the answers.

I'm newly single parent, full time working mum with a 20 month old. Was living with his parents but of course can't now. Going to move into Mum's for support but she is also on benefits.

Well this affect her benefits and then what can I claim if living with a parent who is on benefits themselves? Can I claim housing benefit for my part of the rent?

Any advise on my next steps would be greatly appreciated.

[Dollytwat]

I've done it on my own since DS2 was 6 months old, and I think you have to accept that you physically can't do it all.

So, my answer to my life being managable:-

1. Get a cleaner, I have someone come in once a fortnight, so I don't worry too much about it in between times. I do bathroom and kitchen cleaning and tidying, but leave the beds etc to her.

1. Try to get some flexible working hours, I now work from home all the time and it helps as I can put a wash on while I work (and MN!)

1. Get as much help as you can, accept all the help that's offered.

1. Try and find someone to babysit regularly for you, I have a teenager who is cheap, so I feel like I have a life as well.

1. Double up and freeze as much as you can, so you have ready meals if you need them, and don't feel guilty if you have a pizza or take away once in a while.

1. Don't feel guilty about anything, you are doing the BEST you can do

I now employ a nanny 10 hrs a week as I can now afford to do it, so she does 3 school drop off's for me and a few hours on the weekend. I've decided that the quality of life that gives me is worth the money. I do appreciate that it's a luxury though, but it takes the drudgery out of being the sole carer (my xh contributes nothing).

[alwaysindoubt]

I do it. I'm newly single. But to be honest, I found full time work and children pretty tiring before I separated.

I think a cleaner would help. I can't afford one right now but will find one as soon as I get a pay rise. Little and often with housework and turning a blind eye to lots of things. Always putting time with the kids over the Hoover.

Knowing lots of super-fast recipes. Taking time to exercise helps me. Friends and a bottle of wine.

Every Friday, I think "Phew. Made it.

[nighbynight]

Well, from my experience, everything the OP fears will probably come to pass. But dont worry, you will be too tired, and too pathetically grateful for half an hour on mumsnet when youre knackered at the end of the day to feel bad about it. Smiling? Ha.

I think if you have got to do it, you'll do it, and cope. If you don't need the money, then you can stick happily with your current situation.
Everything changes though, your ds gets older and more independent, you may get a better job, or meet someone nice.

[pinkheart]

also LP. have 2 ds's (11 &3)the older one tends to help me out now, he does his own packed lunch, sorts his bedroom and cleans the bathroom not a proper clean that we would do, but tidys and rinses the sink out etc. Order shopping online, dont havea cleaner so live in a bit of a mess, but tidy mess iyswim. and do all ironing on a sunday afternoon in front room while we all watch a dvd together.
ds2 goes to nursery 4 days a week (his dad has him 1 day a week, no maintenance out of him as yet but one day nursery saved a week equals £160 a month!)i already have ds2's name down for the before school club when he starts next spring, i work full time 8.30 to 4.30 and am at uni 1 day a week doing a post grad course.
i wont deny its hard work as it bloody well is, im shattered but were all happy most important part i think

[babyowl]

I used to think I was organised until I gave birth.

What has worked for me is trying to keep things as simple as possible. I don't live too far from work & nursery (so working full-time is managable). It takes me an hour to walk to work via the nursery (no need for gym membership or transport costs/frustrations). I have come to terms with living in a messy flat & only consider other mums to be true friends if their place is just as messy as mine (or more if their place is bigger).

My employers are quite flexible & child-friendly, if only my job was more fulfilling though...

[lollyhop2girls]

Hi There,

It is hard no one will deny that and I have the huge benefit of now having a new partner who plays a very equal part in all of the household chores/ admin etc. But I was a single mum for quite a while and it is do able! We mothers are very resilient creatures and can adapt to anything for the good of our broods/ our own sanity!

(sorry if I sound smug with the new partner thing - just dont want to mislead in to thinking I live alone with kids when I dont - Also, with the new partner came a step daughter so that has its own issues!)

First of all regards the housework, with no one at home all day its a damn sight easier to keep clean! You'll very quickly get in to the habit of doing chores as you see them rather than setting time aside.

I plan a weekly menu and then have online shop delivered on a Friday night.

I think its all about routine, you'll find yours in no time.

Your DS will grow up to be so proud of his mummy and all that you have acheived. I have always worked full time and my daughter is the cleverest, most confident and most articulate child in her class.. ok, ok, all mums think that I know... but im pretty sure im right

Good luck, think of it as an exciting new challenge! God I sound like a life coach - of course it doesnt seem exciting now! but it will, I promise.

And as for personal relationships, any new guy worth his salt will find the fact that you work so hard and have such a full life incredible, and rightly so xxx

[AlwaysTheMummy]

I'm a LP and work full time, it's been 4 months now lol. It certainly is a juggling act, I work 8.30am til 4.30pm monday to friday then during the week my ds has beavers and swimming lessons, it sometimes seems as though i hardly see them during the week but it's how it has to be for now.

We have a lazy day on a saturday, where we will watch dvds, or play with toys or bake or the kids will just chill out in their own way and in that time I will blitz the house, then on Sundays we go out for the day, to the town past the boating lake for messages and treats then we may visit family members before bathtime and bed.

I try to do all my housework on a saturday so that its just minimal during the week, maybe half an hour clean up if that, so we can spend at least an hour together having dinner and chatting about our day.

I always book my holidays to coincide with school holidays but I have excellent support from my family and they will happily step in when I can't be off or need to take ds to beavers or swimming or if ds has a school event I can't attend I always ask either his dad or my stepmum to go so at least he has someone to wave to.

It all boils down to doing what you have to do really, some days you will feel on top of it all then others you will feel like you're drowning.

Oh and I'm always in bed for half 9 on a school night, not through choice but b'cos I can never eep my eyes open long enough