Kelevdon It's a hellhole

[TheGreenUser]

If you don’t know Kelvedon (not that surprising, it’s so remote it barely exists), keep scrolling. This thread isn’t for you.
And if you do know Kelvedon but actually like it? Honestly, this thread isn’t for you either.

I just need to rant. I can’t even pinpoint exactly why, but living here feels awful. It’s like the life is slowly draining out of me. On the surface, it’s a “nice village,” but in reality? It's boring, isolating, and completely unrelatable.

Most of the residents are elderly or parents who’ve moved here just to get their kids into the local nursery/primary (which, fair enough, has decent Ofsted ratings). But there’s this weird snobbery from some of the mums at pick-up time, and I know I live in a bigger house than some of them, not that it should matter, but the attitude is ridiculous.
Two in particular seem to exist solely to gossip about everyone else. It’s petty and exhausting.

There are two shops (a Co-op and a Post Office), a couple of overpriced coffee shops, and a greasy sandwich bar. That’s it. The library is open one day a week, and the Rec? Absolutely dire. Some of the kids there are just nasty, rude, intimidating, aggressive for no reason. I witnessed a 7-year-old girl push an autistic boy over because he picked up a stick from the den she and her friends had built. No remorse, no parents stepped in.

I’ve got DS2 and DD6 at the local school and nursery, and I just don’t connect with any of the parents. It’s all a bit “keeping up appearances” but deeply dull at the core. I feel like I’m on the outside of a cliquey little club I have zero interest in joining.

Please tell me I’m not alone in hating this place. Is it just me?

Well, I’d never heard of it but was curious, Are you in a position to be able to move away? It doesn’t really matter if other people like or dislike it, you hate it and I imagine that’s affecting your mental health.

By the way, Inwas in a hell hole, there’s nothing worse. It’s your life isn’t it!

I always roll my eyes when someone says people are being very outing but in this case you might find you are quite easy to identify.

Looks like a pretty village with OK house prices for the SE. You’re obviously someone who would prefer a city. Where were you before? I moved from a very busy London area to a smaller town and miss a lot of things but I’m old so do appreciate the greenery. Maybe you just need to move. Find your people.

Have you visited the secret nuclear bunker though?

@unlimiteddilutingjuice I love that nuclear bunker!

Its a very cool bunker. But maybe not worth staying in Kelvedon for, by itself.

I’m putting the house on the market next week. I moved from London to Kelvedon quite suddenly as a family member had a vacant property, and I needed to relocate quickly with my children (not going into the reasons here). I’ve lived all over the UK and travelled quite a bit, but I’ve found Kelvedon particularly isolating.

I honestly find the vibe here a bit... hostile. There seems to be a definite "outsider" mentality. I’ve noticed some judgment for being from London — for example, the manager at the local pub made a comment to my friend along the lines of, “I know you’re from London, but that’s not how we do things here.” 😳 That happened after she went to the toilet to inject her diabetes medication and was accused of taking drugs while paying the bill!

I also get the sense that being a single parent raises eyebrows here. I suspect some other parents assume I’m on benefits and judge me as somehow ‘less than’, when in fact I don’t qualify for any financial support and pay full nursery fees myself — I have a decent passive income.

I know not everywhere is like this, but the combination of snobbery and small-town suspicion has made it hard to feel settled.

I’m putting the house on the market next week. I moved from London to Kelvedon quite suddenly as a family member had a vacant property, and I needed to relocate quickly with my children (not going into the reasons here). I’ve lived all over the UK and travelled quite a bit, but I’ve found Kelvedon particularly isolating.

I honestly find the vibe here a bit... hostile. There seems to be a definite "outsider" mentality. I’ve noticed some judgment for being from London — for example, the manager at the local pub made a comment to my friend along the lines of, “I know you’re from London, but that’s not how we do things here.” 😳 That happened after she went to the toilet to inject her diabetes medication and was accused of taking drugs while paying the bill!

I also get the sense that being a single parent raises eyebrows here. I suspect some other parents assume I’m on benefits and judge me as somehow ‘less than’, when in fact I don’t qualify for any financial support and pay full nursery fees myself — I have a decent passive income.

I know not everywhere is like this, but the combination of snobbery and small-town suspicion has made it hard to feel settled.

Well good for you. Small town/village mentality can be thoroughly draining. I wish you well on your move.

Surely you are going to be very easy to identify and.osolate yourself further as a consequence.

Kelvedon’s worst kept secret 🙊 I haven’t been, but I’ve definitely seen the posters! The secret bunker is actually in Kelvedon Hatch, which is out near Brentwood — and I do quite like Brentwood, to be fair. There’s a bit more going on there, and the giant Sainsbury’s is a weirdly satisfying outing 😂

Sadly, Kelvedon (under Braintree Council) doesn’t have anything like that. No secret bunkers, no big shops... not even a whiff of excitement!

I know not every village is like this, but Kelvedon just hasn’t been a good fit at all. Honestly, I’m just looking to bond with others over a shared sense of apathy toward the place 😅

I've stayed there for a week or so about ten times and it's the most insular, snobby, unfriendly place I've ever been! It's a weird combo of "a local town for local people" and an undeserved superiority complex. I thought it was only me who thought this, so I'm glad to find there's someone else! Get out of there asap! I've lived in a couple of other home county villages that were extremely lovely but Kelvedon is the exception for sure.

That said, I was wrong about Kelvedon not having any attractions. There is, in fact, an adult store:
www.pulseandcocktails.co.uk/sex-shops-near-me/essex/
And according to an old Mumsnet thread I stumbled on, there used to be a local swingers scene. Apparently, people would signal each other by leaving a bottle of Fairy Liquid in the kitchen window… Fact or fiction? Who knows, but once you've read that, you can't unread it 🤢
Oh, and just for bonus points, there’s a known PDF living three doors down from me. 🫠
Honestly, I’m just here looking to bond over a shared sense of apathy (or bewilderment) about this place 😅

So now you know why you don’t fit - they think you’re a prude. 😁

I honestly don't care if people realise this is me. 🤷🏼‍♀️ not like I'll lose any friends!

Oh well! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Never heard of it but omg you could be describing the village I live in. Down to the rec and the pulsesndcocktails sex shop! Maybe we’re all living in the matrix and the villages are being replicated/respawned!

I have friends that live there op. Essex commuter villages can be like that I think. Two clear divides of the locals and the Londoners. Have you visited Coggeshall? Lots of beer festivals etc. I know some people who have moved there and they really like it. But it's whether you enjoy village life ultimately. Hopefully you'll find somewhere that's more you op. Not nice to live somewhere you feel you don't fit in.

Stay strong, soldier 🫡🙏 Don’t let their inbred ignorance bring you down!

Thanks for the recommendation. Been there, it was a bit slow paced and no WiFi (I know there's more to life, but you know...)

Life is too short for cliquey nonsense. And the school gate stuff will be something you have to deal with for another 5 years ( if your youngest is 6) if you stay.
I’d be getting the hell out of there.

Everywhere has its own sense of identity and community, and not everyone fits. That is just life - nothing unique or special about Kelvedon. I do think you are spectacularly brave (or possibly stupid) to be posting such vitriol about the small village you live in which is so identifying, because if you think you didn't fit in before, just wait 'til they see this thread 😅

Got to admit though, he may have got it wrong, but I am deeply impressed by the publican who not only spotted drug taking but tackled it as well. Most would turn a blind eye even if they knew about it.

I live in a much less isolated part of Essex, I'd absolutely HATE to live anywhere like Kelvedon! I can't stand cliquey, pathetic little groups.
I hope your next place is much more lively 🙂

PS I know its not Kelvedon hatch, but honestly, the bunker is so creepy and fun! You should visit

This sounds like a plot of a book, smart Londoner inherits a house in a cliquey village, people get the wrong impression - next thing you know you’ll bump into a grumpy vineyard owner in the cafe, and enemies will turn to lovers!

it does sound like it’s a poor fit for you though, hopefully you’ll be able to move soon.