Having a second child harder than the first?

[Bella8]

Hi, I currently have an 8 month old and I'm interested to hear if having a second child is a lot harder? I do think I'd like a second child if I'm lucky enough to but I'm still a little undecided on when to start trying or do I just stay with one? Me and DH have no family support so it literally is just us. I'm 32 so my clock is ticking and I also had a very difficult time with DS; he wasn't an easy baby and I think what would it be like to have a newborn and then another child to look after as well. Things have only just begun to get a little easier as DS is getting older and we're only just getting a little extra sleep. Which age gaps do you find best; both little together or a bigger age gap? Just interested in getting some opinions and thoughts on the subject. A big part of me wants a second baby but another part of me is worried I wouldn't cope.

[Ceesadoo]

Sorry that should say *cant imagine

[Ceesadoo]

Hey. Interesting post. I have one child (3 months) and my OH and I regularly debate whether or not to have another.
Tbh at the moment I can imagine having another. I'm like you, still in the early days, still sleep deprived, still breast feeding, still adapting to the huge life change... I want to give everything to this child. I want to have time for my first love (my OH). I want to have time to be me, not just a mother. I don't know that I could survive the newborn time a second time while keeping my first child alive. I don't want my child to be lonely, but I don't want to have a second child just to give my first born a sibling.

[ruthieruthuk]

There’s pros and cons, have you any brothers and sisters?

Yes it may be hard work.

My mum was an only child and always wished she has had a sibling.

A play mate for your other child.

Nobody can give you the right or wrong answer, so the decision is entirely yours and your partners, if your not sure then take your time and decide and don’t rush into anything, you’ve got loads of time left!

All the best x

[euanthesheepiloveyou]

Thanks Bella - it's a mad house at times but a lot of fun. Good luck with no. 2. You won't regret it & it'll actually be easier in the long run as your DC will have a playmate/confidante/someone to fight with! 😉

[Bella8]

about*

[Bella8]

applaud*

[Bella8]

Thank you euanthesheepiloveyou, I absolutely applause you for doing so well with six! Wow I don't know how you do it, You're a stronger woman than me! I used to always think I would have 3 when I was younger but now the reality of having 1 has made me change my mind! Me and DH have decided if we have a second we'll prob stop there. We have a three bedroomed house and want them to have a room each and for us that will be ideal and financially we would be okay with 2 maybe bit 3 would really be stretching things. I'm not good being pregnant and feel one more time if that is personally enough for me! God here's me worrying abit whether I should have a second and you have 6, congrats on your beautiful family!

[euanthesheepiloveyou]

Oh, there's a year between 1&2 by the way... which as crazy as it seemed (to everyone else!!) at the time, actually wasn't a bad age gap. A bit like twins - bloody hard work (!!) but no.1 wasn't walking when no.2 came along. There was no jealousy as he had no memory of it just being him. Going from 2 to 3 was actually even easier as then 1 & 2 could play & amuse each other while I was feeding the baby. I really think it gets easier the more you have (within reason!!!)...but maybe it also has something to do with the lowering of standards! Lower...lower...yup, there you go!

[euanthesheepiloveyou]

I think you worry too much!! I only had one DC at 32. I am 40 now & have 6. I work but am a breastfeeding, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, baby-led-weaning, attachment practising parent...the older kids go to swimming, scouts & football every week. Yes it's busy & you have to be adept at keeping a lot of balls in the air (not to mention a financial wizard!!) BUT I love it. Watching them together, their different relationships develop & the dynamics of the group is just fab. I couldn't imagine not having a big, loud, chaotic family. For me, the positives FAR outweigh the negatives. You'll have to divide your time, for sure. But your love? It doesn't divide...it multiplies.

[Bella8]

If*

[Bella8]

Hi, thanks backforgood you're right, I guess it's difficult to think of it as a fraction of time when you're in the thick of it. Sometimes it feels like it will never pass 😬. It anybody reads my thread who only had one child by choice I'd be interested to hear your reasons. Or if anybody knows of anybody I'd like to hear some insight from the other side to help form my decision.

[BackforGood]

As your baby is only 8 months old, and you struggled for the first 6 months, I think this is perhaps making you focus too much on those early months. Yes, they are hard work - no-one likes being sleep deprived, lets be honest - but they are a tiny, tiny, tiny fraction of your child's life. Indeed, of your life as well. You will have children - or 'a' child - until you die//// probably for another 50 years or so. Although it doesn't feel like it at the time, the first few months are such a small part of that.
Having one child becomes a lot more work than having two children, IMO, once they get beyond toddler years, for they entertain each other. Don't forget they really are only babies for a very small part of both their, and your lives.

[Bella8]

Thank you Ecureuil. You're right. I'm the worst for putting so much pressure on myself! I guess I just need to make sure a second child would be the right decision. I've heard of people having second children and regretting it. Obviously they love their babies and wouldn't change them for the world but if they aren't happy. My own Mother was like that and saw parenting as being full of negatives. I don't want to be that way so have to make sure it's the right thing.

[Ecureuil]

If you look at it as ‘is having a second child going to take away attention from my first?’ Well then yes, it is. You only have a finite amount of attention. You have to decide whether the benefits will outweigh the risks.

[Bella8]

DS**

[Ecureuil]

Weaning is easier when you have a toddler... you’re already cooking at least one meal that is nutritious and toddler friendly so you just give the same thing to the baby! I never made baby food for DD2, she just had some of whatever DD1 was having.
Seriously, you can never give ‘it all’ so more than one child. They’re always going to have to share you. But that’s not a bad thing. Mine are 20 months apart and genuinely best of friends. The advantages to them both of having a sibling far outweighs the downsides of having the odd chicken nugget.

[Bella8]

Sorry also wanted to add i don't want to just cope; I want to enjoy being a mother and don't know how I could give my all to DS as well as a second baby. DS has always had my best efforts. For example I make all his baby food from scratch, I worry with also a toddler I couldn't do this for a nother baby and would end up cutting corners which I don't like to do. DS has me with him all of the time. I believe in gentle parenting and I'm there for him as soon as he cries, he's used to plenty attention. I'm worried I couldn't do this for a second baby while also having DS and that something would have to give. I worry DS would lose out or the second baby would not have as good of care that DS had and would
Be somehow disadvantaged. How do you give enough with one child not being left out?

[Bella8]

experience *

[Bella8]

Thanks, I guess I don't feel old to have a baby right now but just think I haven't loads of time to leave too big of an age gap. I feel I need to make the decision by DH's first birthday; I will be 33 a couple of months after that. I really don't want to have a baby after 34 as that's too old for me personally; I get tired now as it is! It's wonderful that women can have kids alot later but I know by my experienc me this time around that I wouldn't want a baby at that stage of life. I would like to enter my 40's with no nappies to change and school age children.

I can completely relate about having difficult personality types in babies. DH has been a very difficult baby, I love him more than life itself but I am somewhat traumatised from the whole experience. I guess you can't guarantee what personality type you're going to get and any complications that could occur. I say this because I'm not sure I could deal with my DS's personality type in a newborn along with toddler DS if that makes sense. DS is a loveable handful.
DS was in SCBU at 1 day old for a few days and we could have lost him. I breastfed for 6 months when I should have stopped a lot earlier, because DS had been so poorly at birth I forced myself to continue at the detriment of my own health. I was determined he would get my antibodies and spent most of the 6 months very unhappy. During this time 4 of our family members became estranged, one of them being my own Mother although her estrangement may not be permanent (I haven't decided). DS also had colic and silent reflux since birth. He screamed the house down for the first 3 months straight and intermittently there after only ever sleeping in 30 minute intervals. My little man has his good moments now at 8 months and he's even been sleeping a lot better although he is still extremely fussy. Something as simple as touching his cheek when he doesn't want that or giving him his milk at the wrong angle can set him off. He likes everything so so. DS has massively improved though and I think he's maybe just going through a developmental phase at the moment and some sort of sleep regression.

I love my DH more than anything and I'm eternally grateful to have him here. I love all of him even his grizzliness. However I feel scared about having a second child incase a repeat of my first experience. Once was certainly enough. I'm so sorry for the rant...x

[tellitlikeitispls]

Depends on the children. DS1 was hard work. He still is actually 10 years later :) DS2 was a happy baby born 2.8 years after his brother. He actually willingly napped when put down!
Like another poster states as well, it wasn't such a shock with the 2nd. I'd never actually exposed to babies when I had DS1 at 32. I had no clue what we were in for. We had no family support either so it was just us, utterly adrift with DS1 and no idea what was normal or not (oxygen deprivation at birth so we double-scrutinised everything he did or didn't do - as it happens he is fine - if high maintenance)
I don't think there is an ideal. If you want and can manage a 2nd, go for it. No guarantees other than you WILL cope.

[BackforGood]

Agree 32 is hardly old for having a baby...

I found 1 to 2 a piece of cake. That said, I'd been fairly traumatised by 0 -1, so I reckon that makes a difference. Their individual personalities makes a difference too - my dc1 was really hard work still is whereas dc2 was a FAR better sleeper, and FAR better at entertaining herself, and just generally so much calmer.
Plus, generally 2nd time parents are less worried / uptight / anxious / call it what you will, than first time parents are.

[Ecureuil]

32 isn’t old! I’m 33 and haven’t made my mind up whether to go for a third yet

[Bella8]

Thank you all for you helpful comments. I wasn't sure and have been going back and forth. One minute I want a second one and the next minute I don't and think it's been so difficult just with one. Falange I think you're incredible and don't know how you do it! I struggle with one and have DH as you say.
DS is only 8 months so I still have a little time to decide but I am 32 so I can't take too long! I was discussing it with DH and it turns out he really would like a second one but but we've both agreed if we do try it will be after DS's first birthday and only if financially able as one has cost so much as it is! I just worry with two I'll never have any alone time with DH as we have no family support and nobody to babysit!!

[ferrier]

Hardest going from 0-1. No. 2 didn't make much difference to the workload. 18 months gap but no.1 was sleeping through the night and she adored her little brother.

[flumpybear]

Oh 3.5 years between mine .... good age gap