Feeling So Low

[Sproodlemummy]

I'm 10 days into my short protocol on our 4th and final ICSI. Up until now I've been feeling ok. Trying to keep myself on an even keel, not getting too excited but not being too negative either.

Today I feel like all hope is lost. I'm so tired, I'm emotional and I just want to go back to bed.

I know it's the drugs and my hormones are all over the place. Up until this point I was ambivalent about whether this cycle worked or not. Myself and DH have a nice social circle at the moment mainly with couples who either have no children or have grown up children. Today I'm starting to panic about this cycle not working. Where do we go from here if it doesn't?

I think it's self preservation that i've not been too bothered about this cycle but to be honest i'm totally kidding myself.

I think reality has just hit and I'm absolutely scared to death

[ohbigdaddio]

Hi Sproodle I can totally relate to how you are feeling.

I did a FET cycle which lasted 9 weeks from beginning to pregnancy test day. Had to do medicated cycle as ovulation sticks don't work for me.

It was my 2nd attempt (1st go with a frozen embryo) and early into the 9 week 'journey' I started feeling low, very emotional and anxious. I went to counselling at my hospital and cried my eyes out for the whole 50 mins in one session as I just felt so awful and I was worried it wouldn't work. It was almost like I was grieving in advance. Little things set me off crying all the time, I'm sure being on medication for 9 weeks didn't help. Sadly I didn't get pregnant. Strangely, when I found out I couldn't even cry but maybe that's due to the how much crying I did beforehand.

We have one frozen embryo left and I am thinking that will be our last attempt. Anyway, sorry, I'm rambling, and this doesn't help you. You are in a incredibly difficult situation with the added pressure that this is your last go. Can you write down all the different paths you could take next and explore them? I really really hope this works for you but maybe as a back up?

I tried doing lots of yoga and Headspace for anxiety helped a bit.

Sorry if this isn't much help, wishing you lots of love and luck. Fingers crossed for you xx

[Kaznet]

Ahhh I assumed because of icsi, even after a year of infertility stuff I still know relatively little. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. C'mon eggs you can do it!
It's good you've already thought of other options, hopefully you won't need them though

[sproodlemummy]

JeNeBaguetteRien - Thanks for your reply. I'm feeling a little better today but still very emotional. I'm an emotional person anyway being pumped full of the drugs doesn't help. I've been to the clinic today, follicles are growing nicely, not too quick but there is a LOT of them, which is why i'm probably feeling so bloated and uncomfortable.

I have vowed to go and see a counsellor this time round no matter what happens. We've had some family tragedies in the last 6 months which i'm still trying to process so it would be good to get it all out.

Hi Kaznet - my DH has top notch sperm so a sperm donor would not really help. I'm afraid it's me with the crap quality eggs. We've discussed a donor but I'm so not sure about it all yet. It's a big decision.

We've also looked into adoption but again it's a major decision.

Bring on egg collection next week

xx

[Kaznet]

Hi spoodle
Have you thought where you might go from here? I hope this works for you but I found it helped me to have the next step planned to help calm my mind.
Have you considered donor sperm for example or is that not an option for you.

[JeNeBaguetteRien]

Oh Spoodle, I don't think I can help but will send you some virtual 💐

I'd say there's no point trying to kid yourself because it doesn't work.
I've had 2 failed cycles this year and am signing up for a 3rd soon. You're on round 4, you presumably wouldn't put yourself through this if you didn't care so much.

There is a chance this could work, your clinic may understand more about you and how you respond and it could make all the difference.
It might not work, but honestly I think there's no point on dwelling on that prospect while you're in the throes of treatment. It's enough of a headmelt even without the added hormones.

The "where do we go from here" question can only be answered when you reach that destination, and I really hope you don't. But if you do you will find a way through it.
Have you got anyone to talk to? Or a counsellor at the clinic?
I listened to calm meditation music to try to stop my mind racing with possibilities.
Good luck.