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Guest post: 'In the Club' - what were your antenatal classes like?

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MumsnetGuestPosts · 06/08/2014 11:39

I don't know what I would have done without this group.”

“I don't what I would have done.”

“I don't know either!”

So came the semi-drunken chorus around the table of a trendy bar at midnight. I was out with the group of mums I'd met at my antenatal class and, though the evening had been pretty fizz-fuelled, we were all very earnest in expressing how important the support of other women had been to us.

Last night, I watched In the Club - a new BBC drama following the lives of six pregnant women who meet through a ‘parent craft’ class. (Yep, ‘parent craft’ -feel free to vomit at that name and then come back once you've cleaned up.) They are a bit different to my group though. None of us is a 15-year-old who’s told no one she’s pregnant, for a start. And we’re missing the woman going through a nasty divorce whilst bunking up with her new toy boy. And the one who has just found out our husband had been secretly unemployed for 5 months. Nonetheless, it got me thinking about the way expectants mothers - thrown together in church halls and hospital rooms and assumed to have some instant bond - form relationships.

In the episode, we learnt that the expectant mothers had met no more than four times. And yet they seemed to have become very comfortable with each other. During the cup of tea before the class, Jasmine (an endearing newlywed) confesses she is worried she won't love her baby. Later, in the pub, the dads discuss the details of their sex lives, despite most of them having only met that very evening.

Their candidness is something I recognise – but in my experience, it takes a bit more time. My group are a great bunch of interesting, friendly, funny women and I expected we’d become close, but that doesn't mean I instantly felt able to divulge my deepest fears. Frankly, that would be weird. The fact that all of our wombs had residents didn't automatically make the eight of us into an instantaneous sisterhood. Instead, we chatted about the things normal human beings talk about, like what we did for a living.

When we started meeting up we were all still pregnant. One of us would disappear into the new born haze for a couple of weeks and re-emerge to share knowing looks with the other mums who’d already been through labour. I'm not sure any of us were 100% honest about just how hard it was. We hinted at it. We said: ‘God, it is bloody hard, isn't it?’, and I remember saying that I didn't feel the ‘instant rush of love’ I expected (which others agreed with, phew!) but I also remember holding it together, not saying what was really on my mind at certain points. I'm sure we all did.

And that's because the bond that women form as new mothers doesn't just appear by virtue of shared experience. Of course that is a massive part of it; the middle-of-the-night text conversations definitely played a part in keeping us sane - but that wasn't what sealed the deal on the safe space my friends and I created for each other.

In those early days there were a few mantras: ‘They’re all so different!’ and ‘It’s just what works for you’, were oft repeated phrases. But both were said with heartfelt sincerity and not the slightest hint of a raised eyebrow. I worry about what people think of me a lot, but I soon felt that these women provided a place for me to come and chat, eat cake and be supported. So much so that when I went into hospital with postnatal depression these women, who I’d only known for a matter of months, were some of the first people I told.

What really matters in those first, guilt-ridden, advice-laden days of parenthood is being open to the parenting choices of others and not feeling judged about your own. It’s being able to laugh about poo and cry about sleep. The last thing you need is to feel you should be presenting yourself as a ‘perfect’ mum. Some babies in our group have been breastfed on demand; some were bottle fed with a routine from early on. Some have been weaned using the ‘child-led’ method and some were given yummy purées first. They are all fab little people and we’re all supportive of whatever choices each of us have made. I feel very lucky.

As for the women In the Club, I fear that things will get worse before they get better. Well, it would be a pretty crap drama if they didn't. What I hope for the show is that their motherly bond isn't taken for granted, and instead shown to be cultivated by the women themselves rather than their shared circumstances. This bond is a lot more subtle than a spur-of-the-moment bank robbery (yes, that actually happens) and, if handled sensitively, it's what will set the programme apart.

Want to know what to expect when you're expecting? Then come along to Mumsnet's inaugural Bumpfest - a one day event on all things birth and baby-related. Find out more here.

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Gen35 · 07/08/2014 10:24

I did antenatal classes in the US and found them a total waste of time and scare mongering about interventions, epidurals etc. I won't be doing classes for dc2 but I will join post natal groups to get out the house.