Well, everything was patriarchal.
It doesn’t have to be.

Yes my mother did this in the 60s, seething with bitterness and resentment. Probably why I have never hosted, nor cooked a Xmas dinner

Can be, needn't be.

I don't cook- OH does all the shopping, cooking and washing up.
I light candles.

Well, marry someone who shares the household chores.

I think it is more common for these chores to be shared- it is getting better

No.

I think a lot of men (not all of course) have carefully crafted their lives to ensure someone else (female family member usually) does all the grunt work as mentioned. You know, they try to help but constantly do it wrong and it is often deliberate so they won't be asked again!

Some women (not all) play into this by being a bit perfectionist and controlling around certain household/festive things too.

It's a bit of this and a bit of that. I am Ok with them doing the heavy stuff, but two people in the kitchen cooking does not work very well. Whatever sex that might be.

I remember very well the Christmases when I was a child - the whole family used to gather at my great Aunt's house on Christmas morning, then all the men would go off to the pub while all the women stayed at home and made lunch. The men would get served first, get the choice of the best of the "white meat" from the turkey, once dinner was over the women would bustle around clearing the table, washing up, etc, then get on with preparing food/a buffet for the evening while the men went off to the living room to watch tv and carry on drinking.

I recall arguments between my mum and dad because we used to spend every Christmas staying with my dad's family, my grandparents on my mum's side never got a look in.

And I realise now as an adult that my mum did everything for Christmas, the buying of gifts, decorating the house, writing and sending cards, shopping for food, etc.

My DH and I couldn't be more different and my mum spends any Christmas that she's here with us telling me how "lucky" I am to have a husband that "helps me" so much, while I bite my tongue.

No, but then I don't martyr myself.

If you don't want to do it you don't have to, it's a choice.

The expectation is definitely patriarchal. I’m actually shocked by how many women find it so difficult or impossible to say no or put themselves first. More difficult when there’s kids in the picture, yes, but I despair of the emotionally manipulative families and useless partners I read about on here. Christmas is just an amplification of all those issues.

Absolutely agree and that’s how I conduct my life. More people should!

I'd say it simply reflects whatever the expectations are during the rest of the year.
The cooking, present buying etc. etc. are shared in many households throughout the year but if they're not, then Christmas will follow that same imbalanced pattern

It doesn't have to be.

I do most of the cooking because I enjoy it but do no clearing up.

Just set your boundaries and expectations in advance.

Personally no.
When I was a kid, although mum did a lot of the "run up to Christmas" stuff it was primarily because that was dad's busiest time of the year and he would be away all week, sometimes not getting home until Saturday morning (he was a HGV driver who worked long distance aka "tramper"). On Christmas Eve he would prep all the veg for the next day and help mum with whatever else needed doing. He never went to the pub on Christmas morning and always washed up whilst my siblings dried up and put away. On Boxing Day he would stay at home whilst mum went to the local club (Boxing Day was always "Mum's time off" for the women in the village at that time).
ExH was the same and so is DP. I don't understand why some people complain that they have to do it all, when it's more of a case that they just don't ask for help or just say "x needs doing so could you do it or it won't get done" Obviously in an abusive relationship that's different.

I think a lot of people’s Christmases are patriarchal but it’s an output, not a cause. Exhaust gas not petrol.

I have a book called “Christmas and the British”, which is an interesting anthropological study of the modern festival.

It makes the good point that on the whole it tends to be women that do all the grunt work to make the holiday relaxing and “magical” (ugh) for everyone else, and two men (Jesus and Father Christmas) get the credit.

Yes my mum did more than my dad. Nowadays, with DH it’s more split. I do more of DS shopping.

But in response to it being festival about a man I disagree. It’s a festival that celebrates a woman giving birth to God (who was incarnate as a man but is ultimately not male God doesn’t have a sex).

Depends who is cooking!

Probably quite family-dependent. In our house, I choose the food, DH cooks it, and I'll be cleaning up after. Worth it for a delicious meal cooked and on the table for me.

I do most of the present buying and general Christmas stuff, because I love shopping for other people and I just love Christmas. But I HATE wrapping, so he shares that with me.

As a kid, my mum did all the cooking, it's true. But I have loads of brothers and there definitely wasn't any males-get-the-best-bits nonsense.

Too many women choose to be a Christmas martyr.

Oh! My DF probably did slightly more cooking and prep than DM. They shared the clear up and got it over with on double quick time.

She decorated the house and wrote Christmas cards, remembered to buy crackers. He laid the table, made all the cocktails, polished the glasses and silverware, chose and bought his presents for us and her and his family.

For a man who worked full time and a housewife, I have just realised how comparably equable their Christmas labour was. I can’t imagine one woman doing all that work to get it all done well!

DH and I share most things equally. Whatever he does better he does and vice versa.

Seems to me that for hundreds of years this was always the situation for women, but it had nothing to do with Christmas. It's not as if women shopped-cooked-cleaned at Christmas, but not the rest of the year.

I think even in the most patriarchal households, it's the men who do the decorations.
In my experience (and family members) it's not like this at all, although it probably was in the 70s and 80s.
Anyway, it's funny how many women say they do these things because they enjoy doing them and making Christmas magical.
You say women are expected to do these things, but it's usually the women driving these decisions.
If you don't want to do it, don't.

No because I don't cook. We share the gift shopping and wrapping. He does the food shop and cooks it.

Men do the decorations? You mean electrical decorations? Or stealing the Christmas tree?
Patiently testing each bulb in the chain was a job for my father, but otherwise he was uninvolved. (He does peel most of the vegetables these days to be fair).

I’m not sure if it’s a Christmas thing, as such? Surely those expectations are there year round?

DH does the Christmas dinner at our house, with me pitching in a bit. He does most of the clearing as well. He chooses and decorates Christmas trees. We share buying Christmas presents (though I do more) and I do all the wrapping. I think I get off lightly. It doesn’t feel unfair in this house.