18 yr old, ED what to do, how to help

[TottiePlantagenet]

My 18 yr old DD has developed an eating disorder. Unfortunately we have experience of this with our other daughter, but she was under 18 at the time and we went through a very unhelpful CAMHS process with her.

I have no experience or knowledge of how to help a person when they are technically an adult and in charge of themselves What happens, what can I do to help my 18 yr old?

She is restricting her eating serverely. She already sees a therapist (for other MH issues) who knows about this and is trying to encourage her to see the GP. It's very slow progress because she is unwilling to talk about her disordered eating or even admit she has a problem with food.

Please can someone talk me through what options are available to us?

[TottiePlantagenet]

Thank you myrtle, everything is about the same - maybe a bit worse in fact :( DD has exams and we're all tiptoeing around her at the moment and hoping her mood will lift once those are over.

She did she agree to see another doctor (on her therapist's recommendation) and she will start on anxiety medication soon. Don't know if that's the best way, she refused a blood test as requested so no basic check on her body or weight.

viking how are things with you? How's your son? Is he willing to talk to anyone?

[vikingwoman]

Hello tottie - hope things are ok. We are at the same stage as you with our 18yo son, also autistic.

[myrtleWilson]

Hi @TottiePlantagenet hope things are going ok for you and DD

[TottiePlantagenet]

Thanks sheeesh, I'll take another look. But again, having read some of her stuff, that approach just didn't work for us, possibly because of my DDs autistic way of thinking.

We're way beyond the point of "controlling" DD2's eating - she will not be coerced into anything, but of course we will continue to try and nudge her towards a healthy attitude. The brick wall I'm hitting is how to do that nudging with an unwilling adult?

[sheeesh]

I agree that Eva musby’s stuff does seem to be focussed on a younger age group but I found her concept of ‘compassionate persistence’ helpful for us - much more so than just taking control (which actually led to more resistance in our experience). If it’s helpful I found this on her Instagram today: www.instagram.com/p/COKjB9-pDb9/?igshid=vdtcatpyzhv3

[TottiePlantagenet]

Ah, a quick google tells me that dysregulated emotions seems pretty common in autistic people.... Sigh.

[TottiePlantagenet]

Oh yes, she does have those physical symptoms! I'm going to suggest to her therapist that he gives her the shock statement (if he hasn't already). She won't admit she has a problem with eating, to anyone I believe.

I'll have a look into disregulated emotions, thank you. She's autistic, so that comes with a lot of rigidity, which kinda fuels any disordered behaviour it seems.

[myrtleWilson]

is her therapist working through disregulated emotions with her at all? DD's ED was triggered in part by a series of bereavements which left her feeling very out of control and a sense built up in her that feeling 'sad' was 'weak' and instead she sought control through restrictive eating etc.

Her adult therapist has been working on disregulated emotions and DD has got greater insight into why but also a growing sense of what she's missed out on over the last year - both of which are driving her recovery steps...

Only eating the evening meal is so restrictive - does she have physical issues around feeling cold, dizzy etc (you know the score!) - would a shock statement about what its doing to her body have any impact (even only temporarily)?

[TottiePlantagenet]

myrtle DD2 is down to evening meal only.

She has self-harmed in the past, but I don't think (but also don't know for sure!) she's doing anything else at the moment.

Part of the problem I think is that she saw her sister go through this a few years ago, and because of DD1's younger age then, we could intervene and do something. I feel that DD2 is wanting us to do something but obviously our hands are tied! She's pushing her boundaries but not acknowledging that the support we can give her will be different (she's horribly competitive with her sister and feels we neglected her in favour of her sister, due to the attention DD1 got when she went through this a few years ago).

I wonder if it's common for siblings to go through similar/ and issues? Often times I think I must have done something wrong for both kids to be so fucked up

[myrtleWilson]

tottie - I agree re Eva and indeed CAMHS services - whilst good I thought they were aimed primarily at younger teens and didn't seem to fit the 16 plus needs.

I've just bought Tabitha Farrar's book - but my DD is in early days of recovery so we're in a different place - but it may be worth a look?

What is your DD eating at the moment? Is she self harming or compulsively exercising?

It is hard at this age as you can't compel her to do anything, only encourage. Do you think she admits to herself she has an ED if not to anyone else? My Dd started following some similar aged young women on social media (she told us so we knew who they were etc) That helped DD as she could relate to their experiences more directly..

[TottiePlantagenet]

Thank you both for responding.

Unfortunately although we have looked at Eva Musby, we've never found it applicable to our daughter(s) partly due to their age and partly due to their personalities - they cannot be coaxed or coerced

I have followed your threads myrtle, they are supportive and we have (fingers crossed) managed to come out of the other side with my other daughter. But, again, because she was younger when it all happened, it was easier to insist she undergo CAMHS treatment (such as it was).

This daughter though is legally an adult and I don't know what measures we can take to turn her around from her disordered eating. She is due to finish her A Levels next month, and although school is aware and supportive we all feel impotent as she refuses to go to the GP - even though her therapist is trying to encourage her.

[sheeesh]

I’ve found Eva Musby’s bitesize audios helpful as well.

[myrtleWilson]

@TottiePlantagenet
Am sorry to hear about your DD's struggles. My just turned 18 year old has AN and has just transitioned from CAMHS to adults. At 18 her first point of access would be via GP or local ED groups if there are any, but if she's not engaging then that will be difficult...

Please do join us on the teen eating disorder thread as there are lots of people in similar boats and tonnes of advice/support/sympathy

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/eating_disorders/4210422-teen-eating-disorders-support-thread-3

[sheeesh]

Apologies I’ve just noticed you have been through this before so you may already have a lot of this info

[sheeesh]

The first step is refeeding which is very much easier said than done. A good website to look at is the FEAST site and they have a forum called Around the Dinner Table. My DD (16) was diagnosed with anorexia back in October 2020, we were referred to CAMHS and their guidance is refeeding first before anything. DD was at 78% weight for height and is now around 89%. She still has a lot of the fears and thoughts from anorexia but I have found that the increase in weight has made a massive difference to her mood.

Many people find that the refeeding stage is really really hard (it is) but it really is the only way back.

You can also self refer to CAMHS eating disorder services (or at least you can in our area, West Yorks. So check your local CAMHS service to see if you can in your area.

There are also some helpful Facebook groups - look for parents and carers of eating disorders UK - there is a lot of info and a lot of very helpful people on there.

It’s a hard journey and we’re still on it but in my experience everything starts with refeeding. One thing I found so hard is no one tells you how to do it but you find a way that works for you and then keep going or adjust as necessary.

Other helpful resources include the BEAT website and the maudsley parents site as well.