Friends questions about sperm donation

[doninga]

Me and my husband have recently started TTC via IUI with donor sperm after a long slog with failed ICSI/ IVF.

We have both been really open throughout the whole process and shared quite a lot with friends when they have been interested. They have been a great support to us and we haven't regretted anything we've shared during the IVF process.

But since we've started the IUI and donor conception process, I have found I just don't want to share so much anymore. It's been really hard coming to terms with using a donor, the process of choosing, and finally the treatment. I just feel like I can barely get my own head around it let alone talk about it casually.

I have one particular friend who we see once or twice a month, usually eating out in a group of us. She will always corner me at some point and ask me how it's all going. It just puts me on edge and affects my mood because I know it's going to come up. I used to really appreciate her concern, which comes from a good place, but now I just feel like I don't want to talk. I don't want to be off with her either because she cares about me.

We've had our first IUI last week so I am mid TWW, and I saw her on Saturday and I didn't want to tell her, so I lied and said we are still waiting for tests.

Most people don't share anything until they are 3 months pregnant, but now I feel like everyone knows our journey and we have to share because otherwise it will seem really off?

It's really hard... does anyone have any tips or experiences to share??

[doninga]

Thanks for the replies, very helpful to get some other perspectives/ ideas.

I guess I feel a bit bad because I have encouraged this level of interest through the IVF and appreciated it. But now I suddenly don't feel comfortable with it. I just need to get used to letting people know that!

[Greenlee]

It's taken me a lot of years to realise (and practice!) not actually giving answers just because someone asks.

It's ok to say: Thanks for asking, but if it's ok with you, I'd rather chat about something else.
It's ok to say: We've decided not to talk about that.
It's ok to say: Husband is the baby's daddy, and that's all we're going to say on that from here on.

And if people are asking you in kindness, all you need to add is a smile, and then ask about their kitchen renovations. It will shut down the conversation.

I am going the donor route myself and I absolutely agnonised over how to explain a pregnancy while single. I was trying to steel myself for all the judgement and nosy questions and people wanting to essentially read my entire medical history and ask about my treatments - while I wasn't comfortable sharing the details at all. In the end my cousin did me a favour by becoming a sole parent by choice herself. When people ask her about DD's dad she says, "Oh, it's just kiddo and me." If people push about who the father is, she just says, "Kiddo has a mum, and that's all she needs." I was amazed to see that people absolutely back down at this point and stop asking.

And if they ask a third time, fix the smile in place and just stare 😆

[IWillBeWaxingAnOwl]

I've backed off speaking to friends about our fertility interventions etc too and have said a few times recently that I just dont want to speak about it as I'm feeling fragile. It's okay with good friends to not give info too, for whatever reason

[summergone]

Yes @BiscuitLover3678 is spot on . Nice text message that morning just to say you just want to have a relaxed evening and forget about it for the night and you will talk about it another time with her

[BiscuitLover3678]

I think message her before and say things are feeling delicate so please don’t talk it about it when we catch up as we just want to focus on something else - but thank you for her support so far

[knackeredagain]

It sounds like your friend is well meaning rather than simply nosey. It’s absolutely fine to say to her, ‘we’re at a bit of a delicate stage at the moment so we’d rather keep it between the two of us right now. As soon as we’re able to share anything you’ll be the first to know!’

Any good and caring friend would understand.