Best age for boarding; 11 or 13?

[WhereWeGoingNext]

I always though 13 was the right age with 11 being just that bit too young.

Looking around now at future options. I still have the above belief, but a lot of schools, especially state boarding schools, start at 11, not 13, therefore wondering what people thought was the best age? Is it best to go from 11 and be there the whole way through? If starting at 13, when the school starts at 11, how well do children integrate into existing boarding houses?

I appreciate something very similar has been asked recently, but particularly interested in
a) what age people think is the ‘best’ age for coping with boarding
b) entry at 13 into state boarding

[MrPickles73]

Zombie thread..

[DornfordYates]

Depends entirely on the child. DD boarded at 11 at a school that is technically full boarding but offers the option of going home most weekends. We have to really struggle to convince her to come home occasionally as she just enjoys the school, the weekend activities and her friends there so much. Out of a year group of about 70 perhaps 10-12 or so seemed to struggle a little during the first few weeks (based on DDs stories) and only a couple seemed to have any issues beyond that.

What I have heard from other parents is that it is in fact harder for the 13+ as the intake is smaller and friendship groups has already formed. But again, I wouldn’t send a child boarding at neither 11 nor 13 if she didn’t want it herself. To DD boarding just seemed like a permanent sleepover and she went into it with a very positive attitude. If that’s the case I think you might as well go for the 11+

[SurpriseSparDay]

Good to see you’re making progress!

Few points - for the benefit of other uncertain parents, at traditional independent schools as well as state:

DS, well he’s only 10 so he can’t make a decision like this

Obviously. But when I said the child should drive the decision I meant it. It’s not all that unusual for children to make the first enquiry - of their parents or sometimes a school. But in general, it’s you who will notice whether your child wants or needs something you can’t provide at home in combination with day school - space, challenge, more time with a wider range of friends, better teaching, whatever. And then, when you visit schools with them, you’ll see if their eyes light up from the minute you step through the gates, you’ll see if they’re yearning to join in with the pupils they encounter, you’ll notice if they keep positively quoting the staff you met, or sighing over the new environment …

We have also said, if he really doesn’t want to board, we won’t force him.

As I said, I have no experience of state boarding, but I can say that over wide experience I have never, in this century, encountered a boarding school that would accept a child who discernibly did not want to be there. All those interviews and seemingly inconsequential chats while they show the child around aren’t just to assess their knowledge of Latin. There is absolutely no benefit to a school in having unwilling pupils.

This thread is primarily about state boarding - but for our senior boarding school parents were required to register their interest (small fee which covers admin and timely reminders of each stage of the application timetable) before the child was ten and a half, and the first stage of entrance exams happened around eleven years old. Most places may be a little more flexible, but you do need to be on your toes and pretty well organised.

[BoardingSchoolMater]

@ Just noticed that a PP said that it's better to choose a school which is either full boarding or as near as possible to that, as the hybrid versions do tend to empty out at weekends. One of my DC went to a school that was day and boarding for some time (then went to a full boarding school), and the others went to full boarding schools. The latter was much better, as the timetable and activities are all then based around all the pupils being there all the time (apart from exeats and holidays, obviously).

[WhereWeGoingNext]

At the risk of dragging this back up again, but I’m going to answer @SurpriseSparDay question.

We’ve talked about it a lot. DS, well he’s only 10 so he can’t make a decision like this, it’s going to be ultimately a parental decision but we are going to listen to what he wants.
DS understands why we are considering boarding. We have also said, if he really doesn’t want to board, we won’t force him. He has mentioned he might like it “because it will be like Harry Potter and I can learn magic” to which I replied “erm, sort of, you can live with your friends but the closest magic will probably be Chemistry which is a bit like potions”. Anyways, he (and we) would like to look at some schools. Whether he goes at 11 or 13 (or at all) is still unclear but we are going to investigate.
What we have done is got the entire list of state boarding schools and have made a list of all the logistically possible ones based on up to 1.5 max drive from where a potential UK guardian would live. (I’m going to start another thread about these schools not to mix the two together). After Easter I’ll be getting in touch with all (or maybe only some) of the schools to have an initial chat and will be doing my own research into them to make sure they fit what we want as a family. Will also involve DS in looking at the websites as well as any visits we decide to go on after the initial investigations. I’m still
leaning towards 13, but doing some research and looking now won’t do any harm, we can always go back again.
That’s about as far as we’ve got really.

[Bambala]

I went at 7 and have boarding school syndrome. I would send boys at 13 and girls at 16 once their hormones have settled and they have learnt to deal with mood cycles and the friendship dramas have calmed down a bit. But every child is so didfferent so no one size fits all.

[SurpriseSparDay]

Don’t know if you’ve made progress in your ruminations, @WhereWeGoingNext .

Our university age former boarder (full boarding, with constant intermingling of home and school) looks bewildered when I them that ‘people on MN’ have asserted that they must have cried steadily from 10 years old. On the other hand they’ve been astonished to meet fellow undergraduates who had never spent any significant time away from home before university. Ours had had countless nights, weekends, weeks away with grandparents, cousins, aunts, friends and school (in and outside the country) before they began boarding - not as any conscious preparation, just because that’s what provided the best quality of life (as in fun and interest) for them.

I’m well aware that severe homesickness can strike anyone, unexpectedly, at any age - but in my long experience, children accustomed to wide interaction with people and places outside their nuclear family and home would be as happy starting at 11 as at 13. (Starting earlier also brings the benefit of getting to be a senior at prep though that may not be relevant to you.)

Obviously for most parents in England boarding isn’t the choice they make for their 11 year olds, but for some it can be the very best choice and provide a transformative experience that would be unavailable at a day school. (The right day school might be unattainable because parents can’t buy the gazillion £ house in the catchment area.)

Really it’s about meeting your individual children’s needs for stability - while ensuring that any decision is to an extent driven by the child. And with the proviso that it will be perfectly fine for them to change their mind at any point.

[Juja]

My two were at State Boarding Schools (different schools as one was single sex) Both went at 11 in Yr 7 following state primary schools. Both weekly boarded so were home 3 nights a week so not really a comparable situation to OP as we were only a hour away. Younger DC left last year.

Overall worked well for our family situation (DH & I travelling lots for work and a remote home location) and both great schools where DC flourished. In retrospect DC1 who is a boy would have started boarding at 13. Not an issue for DC2. Challenge is where do DC in state sector go for Yrs 7&8, do you move them twice?

State Boarding schools vary. Ours worked extremely well for weekly boarding but not sure I’d have chosen them for full boarding though lots did. Great week time extra curricula activities and academics but much quiet at the weekends.

I would agree with PPs who say children at 10 are on the whole too young to know what being away from home means in practice. It is our role as parents to assess their suitability though very hard to know how they’ll react. Ours always knew they could come back to being day pupils at an our local school (still 50 mins on bus each way each day).

Everyone’s situation varies, my view is decisions on schools are best to be child and context specific rather than set patterns. And if a school doesn’t work you can always change.

[GrassWillBeGreener]

DD went at 10, DS at 13. Experiencing prep schools with them both really brought home to me the advantages of the 13+ school structure, but perhaps much more so for boys in terms of maturity. DD only boarded for reasons of a specific school choice, at first coming home every weekend and after that we usually made sure one of us visited if she wasn't home. I can see that 11+ boarding for girls could work just as well as 13+

With being overseas you've got a tougher choice. We've only been 1 - 1.5 hours away. I'd say, plan for 13+ unless there's good reason, child led, to go earlier. Good luck finding the right schools and the right times for your children and your family.

[londonmummy1966]

If you are going to be abroad then I would say that the really important thing is to make sure that the school you choose is genuinely a full boarding school and not one where pretty well everyone disappears home at the weekends. Also bear in mind that even if the school says lots of children stay over the weekend, if there is a very large foreign contingent your DC may find themselves alone in a sea of teenagers speaking Mandarin together. Tha can be even more isolating than there being hardly anyone around at all.

[IWantToBeACat]

I think it very much depends on the child, it certainly isn't a good choice for many children. Due to circumstances, my daughter started at 11, Year 7, fully discussed and agreed with and by her. She was involved in every decision made. She is now in Year 10 and she loves it, thrives there and has made some fabulous friends. She had an opportunity to change schools a couple of years ago, to go to a different school, private or state, or stay at the one she is at but as a day or weekly girl. She begged to stay boarding because she gets to do so many things and has loads of fun (and noooo, it's not because she hates us or because her home life is awful, as has been thrown at me on other threads, we have a great relationship!). However, some of the other girls that started at the same time were miserable and terribly homesick and still are, which is very sad.

I would involve your child, talk to them, ask their opinion, get them on a taster sleepover if they do them at the school you are considering and make sure they know that if at any point in the future they are unhappy, for whatever reason, then they can leave and you will find a different option with absolutely no recriminations. Good luck with your decision, it is a hard one.

[26374hsg]

State boarding is still possible at 13. Hockerill took in an additional 10 or so kids into year 9 last year and even a few into year 10. Seem to fit in well, mainly weekly boarding and a few termly from abroad. St George’s also increase their numbers higher up the school, worth calling admission to check.

[RedPanda2022]

Ds1 is going next year at 13 - his choice, weekly boarding, we live 35-40mins from the school. I wouldn’t have done it at 11 as he is quite young for his age, but I’m noticing huge change at the moment so I think 13 will be okay. He is well aware that we are ‘sending’ him and he has choice in day vs boarding.

[AgeingDoc]

If you are looking at state boarding OP, I think you might find it difficult to get a place at 13. Obviously I can't speak for all state boarding schools, but my children are/have been day pupils at one and I have a close friend whose children are at another, and both schools are very oversubscribed. There are relatively few boarding places in each year group and certainly at our school they get snapped up quickly and a space would only become available after year 7 if someone left.
State boarding schools, in my experience at least, are on the whole set up to receive pupils from state primary schools so the normal age of entry is 11, the same as it is for the day pupils. My children's school is primarily a regular state secondary school that has a boarding house, rather than mainly being a boarding school if that makes sense? So the boarders follow the same pattern as the day pupils, and the normal entry points are therefore years 7 and 12. I'm sure it's not impossible to join in other years, but it's likely to only be individual pupils filling a space when someone leaves. That could make planning very difficult as there would be no guarantee that there would be places available where and when you wanted them. It's pretty hard to get a day place at my children's school outside years 7 and 12 and I believe boarding places come up even less frequently.
I think it's a bit different in the independent sector because moving school at 13 is a more common thing so the system is better set up for it. My niece boards at an independent school and started at 13. A number of her friends left her prep school at 11, but plenty stayed on til 13 and most of them then went on to board in various places. So I imagine those schools expect an intake at that stage and therefore have places available and established strategies to integrate a new cohort. From what I gather there were quite a lot of new starters at the same time as my niece so she didn't feel particularly "different" and she made friends quite easily with both the other new starters and those who had been there longer.
I know that's not really answered your question as to the "best" age, but logistics might mean 11 is more feasible in the state sector, though obviously do check out the policies of individual schools. I suspect the independent sector would give you more options if you decide that year 7 boarding isn't right for your children though.

[ISawFreeShips]

I'm with you OP, I think 11 is too young and 13 is better.

We had about 25% join at age 13. I know some of them did privately find it hard going into established groups. But there are going to be challenges going into such a different environment at any age, and I think they are better served by another couple of years at home. Especially international students, who perhaps need a another level of self-reliance. Also, while acknowledging there are exceptions, on average boys tend to be a bit behind girls developmentally at 11 so it is arguably a bigger ask of your sons.

Judgement and cognitive skills take an enormous leap forward between age 9 and age 13. I think you have to decide for a 9 year old - they don't developmentally have the judgement yet to weigh up the costs and benefits of something as big as boarding, nor the experience we all need to develop our judgement, values and sense of perspective. Consult them, fine, but ultimately it's on your shoulders. If 11 did turn out to be too young in hindsight, it would be completely unfair to say to the child "well it was what you chose when you were 9."

[Hoppinggreen]

@Lilgamesh2

@Hoppinggreen well then if we all have to be eternally supportive of all boarding-related choices you ought to report the OP's post as she is the one with reservations about 11 year olds boarding and asking whether they will "cope".

I'm being facetious of course, no need to actually report the post as it's a normal question for a loving parent to have.

I would love to see the rules that say these things can't be discussed. It seems bonkers that in a boarding school board, in a thread about the impact of boarding on 11 yr olds and 13 year olds, any comments on potential negatives for the child would be reported for being against the rules.

If it’s ok with you I will decide what posts to report.
As I said before I am certainly not supportive of choices that include Boarding schools and I have had plenty of verbal tussles with people who have or are considering that option.
Due to the arguments on such threads this area was created for parents who have already made that choice to advise and support each other. That is the whole purpose behind it, it was requested by and is for parents whose DC go or are about to go to Boarding school not to invite opinions on whether it’s a good idea

[BoardingSchoolMater]

Ideally, 13, as it's nice for them to be the 'big ones' in Year 8 at a prep school. Plus it keeps them child-like for longer. But 11 would be ok if that's what fits better with your family/work. My DC went at 13, but they went to schools which had Year 9 as the standard entry point.

[SurpriseSparDay]

Hadn’t actually considered it as an option for the OP!

[Legoninjago1]

Yes @SurpriseSparDay makes a really good point actually about starting out at the top of a prep school. I know you're looking at state so presume those start at Y7, but if he was ready at 11 and wanted to experience boarding in a smaller, cozier environment to begin with - and to be a 'senior' at the top of a prep, that's actually a great way to see if he's suited to the life. Our prep school is sort of a diamond structure - it starts smaller and grows bigger in the higher years with Y7 & 8 having approximately the same numbers as Y3-6 so half the school. It's compulsory boarding in Y7 & 8 (day or optional boarding prior) so they're all together and we get lots of new joiners coming into board at Y7. Definitely a thought for you OP.

[SurpriseSparDay]

@WhereWeGoingNext it really depends on context. (As well as the individual child!) Children much prefer to join a school at the main entry points, so they’re on the same footing as everyone else. And it’s important to remember it’s school primarily - you and they need to have confidence in the day to day educational environment as well as the new element of boarding.

I have no experience of state boarding but our most recent boarding child says yr 7 of prep school was the greatest fun. All the joys of being relatively senior but without the yr 8 pressure of CE / Scholarship exams. Obviously your context and school structure is potentially different, so I don’t know how helpful that observation may be.

(For children who will be moving from prep / state school to a different senior school it’s obviously preferable to avoid moving them directly into an exam year - but nevertheless I have known new year 8 pupils achieve impressive scholarship results to senior school …)

I also don’t know how state boarding schools structure their timetables - at prep school (‘full boarding’) pupils are almost never at school for more than two weeks at a time (compulsory exeats + holidays, etc) and might see their parents almost every day if that’s how they choose to arrange things. At senior level the school completely shuts for exeats or holidays roughly every two to three weeks. Again, parents visit pretty much whenever they want to (and can become more involved in day to day events than day school parents!) So that would depend on your particular school and whether it’s full or weekly boarding or flexi-boarding.

I’m sure they’ll discuss with you the necessity for really committed and well organised guardians to act in loco parentis when you’re out of reach.

[Lilgamesh2]

@Hoppinggreen well then if we all have to be eternally supportive of all boarding-related choices you ought to report the OP's post as she is the one with reservations about 11 year olds boarding and asking whether they will "cope".

I'm being facetious of course, no need to actually report the post as it's a normal question for a loving parent to have.

I would love to see the rules that say these things can't be discussed. It seems bonkers that in a boarding school board, in a thread about the impact of boarding on 11 yr olds and 13 year olds, any comments on potential negatives for the child would be reported for being against the rules.

[Legoninjago1]

@Lilgamesh2

The purpose of this thread is to discuss the impact on children boarding at 11 or 13. All comments so far are relevant to that discussion. You just don't like hearing them.

Yes and no. Presumably the OP came to this board to direct her question specifically to parents who have direct experience of their children boarding in the 21st century at both 11 and 13. The answer to het question is patently - it depends on the child / school / time / circumstances / wider intake. It's not something you can pluck out of the air in my view.

[Hoppinggreen]

@Lilgamesh2

The purpose of this thread is to discuss the impact on children boarding at 11 or 13. All comments so far are relevant to that discussion. You just don't like hearing them.

Wrong.
This area was created so that parents who have chosen boarding can discuss it without other people (ironically often me) criticising their choice.

[Lilgamesh2]

That response was meant for @SurpriseSparDay

[Lilgamesh2]

The purpose of this thread is to discuss the impact on children boarding at 11 or 13. All comments so far are relevant to that discussion. You just don't like hearing them.