Contacted by daughter after 20+ years

[delfin821]

Joined today, as I feel I need some help.

My second wife and I split up and divorced in the late 90's with our son and daughter living with her. I lost contact with both children as my wife was very, very difficult (long story).

My daughter from this marriage contacted me 3 days ago, out of the blue, sending me a message on Facebook messenger. She is now in her mid 20's with a young daughter.

We have chatted over the last three days, using Messenger, the first day almost constantly, then by arrangement the following two evenings.

I find myself feeling very nervous in the run up to our chats, I'm afraid that she might stop contact, but it's in my nature to commit fully to something no matter the consequences.

I would like some advice on how to develop the relationship with her, taking into account that we live a long way from each other. There's only so much you can do on Messenger

All advice gratefully received.

[Chocolate50]

I don't have any real experiemce of your situation but have you tried to explain your absence? I can imagine that approaching this will be difficult depending on what your daughters relationship with hermother is like but I think steer clear of slating your ex - I totally believe that she made it hard for you but it's more important to rekindle the relationship with your daughter at this point.
I imagine that you are worried about losing her all over again - I don't think that there's anything wrong with telling her how much it means to you that she's got in touch & that you'd like to build a relationship with her.

I would also suggest meeting with her why not invite her to stay for a weekend or meet somewhere halfway or what about if you went yo stay in a b&b near her so that you could meet her & your grandchild? That wouldn't be too intrusive I'm sure she would appreciate the sentiment & after such a long gap you deserve to meet one another.

[SugaryFreak]

I know this is a few months old, but I'm curious how it went?

I was in the exact same situation 2 years ago after being contacted by my father after almost 20 years. He also lives far. At first it was great but it quickly turned bad. Well quickly... It took a year.

I hope it goes well for you!! I offer some advice I wish I had gad myself. Clear the air. Don't think that dwelling on the past is unnecessary because you've already lost 20years together. Air it out, argue, cry, scream... Well she might want to. Let her get her feelings out, because she'll have them.

[Babymam1214]

My dad was out of my life since I was 12 I know it’s not the same but gradually building a relationship is hard, iam in contact via messages and FaceTime and calls as I have just become a mummy so he likes to keep in contact with my DS, but the tbh the connection isn’t really there I’ve only seen him twice since I was a child, this is only because of the he said she said my parents liked to keep up, in my opinion I would keep the contact to just you two for now and keep building it via message try phone calls and tbh I would’ve loved a simple text everyday or now and again to let me know my dad was thinking about me, Evan just a how are you doing today and a good morning hear and there making contact first will improve your relationship, I feel as though I’m the one that reaches out all the time, hoping your relationship improves and it’s really nice to come across a father who genuinely wants to try Evan after so much time x good luck