Sons friend has Asperger's

[paul2louise]

My son son has been friends with this boy in his class who has only recently been diagnosed with Asperger's. They have been very close but it goes in waves and at the moment they are not really getting on. My son tells me that his friend is in trouble a lot at school. He says that he hurts him quite a lot if he doesn't get his own way. I know my son isn't an angel. I just would like some advice on how to help him understand things a bit more. Thanks

[Harrysmummy246]

Really confused which child is which.

Doesn't matter what anyone else's mother thinks

[paul2louise]

The situation has escalated. My son came home today and said this friend pushed him over in the mud at school. I asked him what happend . He said he was playing with another friend 'T' and this boy 'I' came up and started pushing them both. Other kids were shouting fight fight. My son ends up in the mud. He swears he didn't do any pushing. I am not stupid and he must have been doing something. He tells me now that he must not play with 'I' anymore. This one incident must be one of many I expect to have a play ban. I think I need to talk to teacher about this. The mother of 'T' isn't happy either. I feel it gets to point where now he has to say no to 'I' when he wants to play. I don't know who 'I' will play with instead.

[Harrysmummy246]

And that is why he's hitting out etc, he can't express himself. It's not a choice as such, it's an expression of frustration

[paul2louise]

The outbursts can be shouting or throwing something. I know he chews a lot of things. My son says he can hit out if he doesn't get his own way which is why I think my son gets upset with him. I encourage my son to play with a wide group of friends as much as possible but he still seems to be drawn to playing with him and I think vice versa. I think the boy does have difficulty explaining himself. When I hear him talking to my son or even me it can be rambling and he doesn't seem to be able to get to point.

[Bluerussian]

What Harrysmummy said.

Asperger's isn't a disease, it's a personality variation and generally those who are Asperger's learn to adapt and cope. They're usually very bright too, can be fixated on some subjects. In other ways they are no different to anyone else and can be naughty like most kids. They also feel hurt deeply despite being quite blunt at times. There are no nuances.

You don't say what the boy's outbursts consist of, is he frustrated at not being understood, does he feel he explains things well but no one understands?

I have a very good friend and she never gets under my skin, I'm used to her and understand her but she had a horrible time at school, very much the odd one out. In her school days no one knew about Asperger's syndrome but she is quite typical. She's OK though, is involved in various worthy causes (retired from work), to which she is totally committed.

Things are better for young people now, more is known and accepted.

Your son sounds a very caring boy.

[Harrysmummy246]

If the child is only just diagnosed, they won't have been through the system to get funding in place for a ta yet and that can take a while especially if it ends up needing an appeal.

They can't appoint staff without funding to pay for them. And there are hoops to jump through to get there.

Plus it can take a while to set up routines and strategies for a child. Assuming specialist support for that is even available

[paul2louise]

Thanks. I tried saying that he doesn't think the same way you do, and he gets frustrated. I don't think the school deal with it in the best way tbh. There is boy with ADHD and ASD and he has a one to one TA who looks after him. But my son's friend seems to just seems to get into trouble when he has outbursts and has no help because he is high functioning. It's not my place to get involved, I only work at lunchtimes at school. But when my son sees him having his moments or outbursts he tells me that X has been in trouble again today.

[Harrysmummy246]

Perhaps start by explaining that DS friend doesn't always understand the 'rules' of how to behave around others and finds understanding how others behave hard to 'read', and that sometimes everything will just be a bit much but he won't be able to explain that