Am I bad mum if I still can’t call my daughter her name?

[Chubbycheekslg]

I’ve struggled with my whole birthing experience, nothing went to plan for me including my daughters name.

She’s 11 months old, and I refer to her as babs or beautiful, everyone else refers to her as her name so there’s no confusion for her. I’ve even had it tattooed to accept it, but yet I still can’t say it. I’m in therapy currently, but I guess I’m just wanting an opinion on whether I’m a bad mum since I can’t call her her name?

[Mamalamadrama]

Is there a nickname or shorter version of her name you can use.

[Jellycats4life]

Your partner completely betrayed you when you were at your most vulnerable. What a shitty thing to do.

[seahorsesandmermaids]

I can't use my own full name due to trauma.
I always go by the shortened version, but others (who don't know me) will automatically call me the full version before I tell them.
It sends shivers down my spine and makes me want to throw up.

[TedEsMum]

Your partner is being grossly unfair to you right now,by adding the name issue to everything else you are dealing with as a new mother, but it's very good that you recognize the need for therapy to get you beyond postpartum flare-ups. Call her what's comfortable for YOU; if HE has an issue with the name YOU'RE using,then invite him to attend therapy with you.

[DietrichandDiMaggio]

Why did someone decide to resurrect this thread after 6 months? Other posters are now responding to the OP as if it's recent.

[iminvestednow]

I’ve got a teenager and can count on one hand how many times I’ve used her full name! We are a family of nicknames! I think the name issue might be indicative of different issues? How old is your child and why on earth did you get a name you weren’t happy with tattooed on your body? (This might be a bit biased as I have issues with tattoos but acknowledge what people do with their bodies has nothing to do with me!)

[OhForFucksFuckingSake]

So you'd both agreed a name that you liked, but when you were at your lowest most vulnerable, weakest point, he decided to switch the name to the one he preferred?

Never mind not being able to say her name, I wouldn't be able to look at him. How awful of him to take advantage of your situation like that.

I completely understand why this is so hard for you. There are so many layers to this and underneath it all is your trauma. You poor love. I hope you're able to heal from this in time.

[fairycupcakes]

Yeah I’m dumbfounded that considering you ended up so poorly that your partner just went with his preferred name rather than the one you chose together… no wonder you’re struggling with it after all you went through. Has he apologised or accepted any responsibility for how you’re feeling regarding baby’s name? It’s not too late to change it and baby will get used to it as will everyone else failing that if the middle name is one you agreed to and love then use that. Best of luck @Chubbycheekslg x

[Wishitsnows]

You sound like an incredible mum. You partner however?! What an absolute asshole. Why would he do that after what you had been through

[Sealover123]

Do you love your daughter? Are you taking care of her? Then yes you are a good mum! It sounds like you're struggling with anxiety but don't be so hard on yourself xx
You should have some input over the name, you gave birth to her after all. If you decide to change it then don't wait too long.

[MisschiefMaker]

You need to take control of this by changing her name.

What your DH did was fucking AWFUL.

[CrazyBiscuits]

Sounds like you associate her name with the difficult time you went through at the time of her birth maybe? Must have been difficult for your dh at the time too. If he's happy for you to change the name then why not just do that.
It doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you a person that went through a difficult experience and is still recovering from it. Everyone's experience is different and many aren't as rosy painted as many make out.
I hope you manage to change it with your dhs support and hopefully it will lift a weight off of shoulders and help you to move on.

[OnlyFoolsnMothers]

change the name

i really hope the long version of the story has your partner in a better light- because the short version he sounds a controlling vile individual who took advantage at your lowest.

[Ameadowwalk]

In terms of whether you change the name, would you feel better if she just did not have that first name, because it reminds you of the trauma and your partner ignoring your joint wishes (an odd thing to do on his part)?
If you can still change it, I would do so. your DD needs to know that you love her name and wanted her to have it.
Once she has the jointly selected name, there is still no pressure to actually say it because you know she has got it, calling her beautiful or babs is just fine.
Hopefully that makes sense.

[CombatBarbie]

It's a year old so you still have time.

[CombatBarbie]

@Chubbycheekslg

I never picked her name, me and my partner planned a name but then I ended up incredibly unwell and spent the first month of her life essentially in hospital so she ended up with the name he preferred and I guess I was too busy trying to get home to be a mum I went along with it. There’s more to it but that’s what I meant by didn’t go to plan. Every time I try to say it I feel nauseous and my chest tightens.

Wow!!!! You can get it changed yknow, I think its up to 2yrs old??


My sperm donor done exactly the same by the way!! Before I cut contact he would always gloat about always having one up on my mum because my name was permanent. Dick....

[bluesky45]

Neither me or my husband called our first by his name for ages, he was always just "the baby" so much that it became like a nickname for him.
Started off as "can you hold the baby?" And "the baby wants feeding" and ended up as "come on The Baby, time for a nappy change/let's get you dressed/shall we go for a walk?"
So went from talking about him to talking to him, all calling him "the baby". It hasn't done him any harm. He's been his actual name since before he was 1, not sure when it changed exactly but he's definitely his name now!
No pnd or anything like that, I think he just has quite a grown up name that we found a bit jarring when said about a little newborn!

[quietnightmare]

What is her name? Can it be NN? Or shortened or lengthened?

I know what you mean. I think you need to continue with therapy because I had this issue with my husband I couldn't accept his name ( because it was the same as someone who did some terrible things to me) and I just kept saying to him who are you that la not your name that doesn't match you and it's not you so I really do get it

[BubziOwl]

I think your partner behaved very poorly tbh.

I would change the name if it doesn't feel right. Or use your favourite name as a middle name and have her go by that name - I have quite a lot of family members who've done than for one reason or another.

[Luredbyapomegranate]

Of course you aren’t a bad mum. This needs sorting though, for both your sakes.

I think you at the 11th hour, but I would change it. Your partner didn’t behave well in the first place, but presumably he can see this is serious and something needs to change?

[bonzaitree]

Agree with PP that it might be an idea to give her your preferred name as a middle name. Then just call her that and explain to people you think her middle name suits her better?

What does your partner have to say about his choice?

[trampoline123]

Just change the name.

[EyesOnThePies]

Oh, you are not a bad Mum, not at all.

Use her middle name, and it will be her regular everyday name.

None of DH’s family use their birth certificate names for anything except the most official context. They all have nicknames / ‘known as’ names. It’s an Indian thing. Doesn’t cause any hassle.

[Napmum]

No, you are not a bad mum. HD, however, is a bad partner.

This feels linked to the trauma. You could go on forever calling her babs as her special name from you. However, I would suggest exploring options like this and even depoll with your counsellor

[stripedsox]

My abusive ex chose our dd's name, it's normally a nice name and it went on the birth cert, it had negative connotations though - I got so fed up with it that I gave her a new name at three months and she's been known by that ever since. On official documents she has birth name but school, college, work and her fiance called /call her by nickname as do family.