Update + HV coming Tuesday, how to get help?

[AnnaL82]

I had written my story here then disappeared trying to sort myself out in RL. It sounds like I just can't.

Summary - I'm from overseas, been here 5 years for my DH but we work 90 miles away in very specialised fields so no moving options ATM.
Baby born in July in my country with DH in paternity+annual leave. No family around here so my parents came to stay until baby was 8 weeks (and I have a very strained relationship with DM so this kick started the thing).

I had a planned c-section in general anaesthetic so I only met the baby after several hours and only had some milk on day 8 when everybody discouraged me from trying bfing as apparently too late. I had baby blues already and I was unable to stand up for myself.

First 8 weeks of the baby were hell with his colic and 'D'M. Then in laws took over. They are being v helpful from a practical pow. MIL has a way softer approach with baby - she intervenes at every little fussing and holds him a lot. This probably helped with his colic (he's currently just a bit windy, but nothing nearer the previous crisis!).

I do as much as I physically can with him, but apparently he can only be settled by MIL! If He cries, I can't make him stop in any way, she manages in a few seconds doing nothing different. I think at least if I could bf I would have been recognised as a mum, but this way I feel completely of any use - everyone can feed him a bottle, change/dress and play like I do, I could disappear from the earth and he wouldn't even notice. I really want to disappear at times. Last night I took one Valium pill out of DH who is epileptic because I couldn't sleep a single minute, no effect at all, and considered taking more.

HV coming on Tuesday for routine check - last time she was here in Sept when parents were still here and we agreed to reconsider the matter after ILs. What/how/should I actually mention to her and what sort of help can I get?

[AnnaL82]

Just out of the appointment. Questionnaires resulted to a mild/moderate anxiety/depression so got signed up with the Silvercloud programme. Any experiences of that on here?

[AnnaL82]

She has said that if I don't make steps now to sort this out, it won't go away by itself.

She insisted I should call a GP but I reiterated that don't feel OK taking a place off someone who might be physically ill. She said I should really do it but I don't have the courage to pick up the phone - surgery receptionist are often not the kindest in the world and - I might be wrong here - I have a strong feeling I am put off by my accent.

HV suggested however a local MH service where you can self refer. Just managed to call them. They offered an appointment for Thursday but baby has his jabs, so it's going to be next Monday - incredibly fast. I am so glad to be based in an area where services are so efficient. Will update.

[AnnaL82]

The help is/has been well meant from both sides - DH rents away for weekdays and I don't know anyone here in the town where I work apart from work colleagues, I couldn't have coped completely on my own so far.

But yes, I reckon there is something in our bonding - I try to do as much as possible with DS and occupy ILs with housework instead, but I feel so incapable and insecure. I don't sleep over SIDS anxiety and the like too.

I saw a GP in August and she also thought that things would have improved without DM. ILs are absolutely well meant but I feel my MH is not improving at all although DH is also 100% supportive when here.

[ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay]

Tell your HV everything. They can often come up with sons great ideas.

[Chocolatecake12]

You need to tell your HV everything you have said here.
You sound as though you have been unable to bond with your baby because so many other people have been there ‘helping’ you.
Are your in laws still with you?
Your baby only has one Mum and that’s you and he would miss you terribly if you were not around.
It sounds as though you need a few weeks to establish a relationship with your baby without any interference from others.
Hopefully the HV can give you some advice too but have you though about seeing your gp?

[Bobbybobbins]

Bless you, those first few weeks can be so difficult, especially when you are also recovering from surgery. I would tell your HV what you have explained here - always better to talk about how you feel. I got really down from the lack of sleep in the first weeks and struggled to establish feeding.

Don't forget that you have a long time to have a beautiful, loving relationship with your child. While you are still recovering, it is good to have help though I totally understand why it makes you feel like this.