To think there isn’t a way of getting kids to listen to you without yelling your head off

[stressedoutandoverwhelmed]

Fully expecting to be told I’m totally unreasonable here but I have not found one if one exists

I have read the books

the book you wish your parents had read
how to talk so little kids will listen

I am sure there is another I can’t remember

and none of the techniques work.

is this just life now? It’s depressing and miserable if so. I’m starting to think that that’s just parenting though.

My sister used to say I was harsh with my children when they were younger. My kids listened then and listen now as older teens. She still struggles with hers and as with yours, they only listen after she's lost her patience. And even then it's half-arsed.

I rarely shouted at mine because I had a firm no-nonsense voice. It was completely different to my usual and playing around voice. They knew that I meant business from the off and knew that I'd 100% be taking their controller/phone/internet off/telly off early... etc.

My sister tells them to do something over and over again. Why would they listen if they know she won't do anything while in repetitive 'nag' mode? I've noticed my children didn't really listen to their dad much, he's also one who repeats at his usual voice. They only listened when he did it my way. They still don't really listen to him now as he's a 'get this done now' kinda guy, whereas I use a 'finish that game then do it for me' kinda approach. Sometimes not demanding but giving them a few minutes to finish off something first works better. They think/you are, meeting them halfway abit.

ETA after reading the rest of your comments, I was a single mum for the first few years of having children. I spent many times crying alone in the bath or on the kitchen floor, thinking I should put them up for adoption as I couldn't cope. Not with them behaving, they were great, but the constant feeding/nappies/tidying/refeeding/retidying/nappies/constant, mundane soul destroying side of it. It is hard. But we do what we have to to get through the day. I hope things get easier for you.

Not if you don’t keep letting him get back on the table. You say you can’t possibly find any other way other than shouting but also don’t want any ideas, so yeah YABU.

Honestly girl, if you find out, please tell me!

My dd has autism so my requests of her very plain and simple

'Put your shoes on', 'clothes stay on in the car'

So why is my child bottom half naked and shoeless when we get to our destination?!?!

I've raised amazing emotionally balanced, well integrated, respectful children now young adults as a FT single working mum.

I did what was quite standard of my era. Asked calmly once, slightly less calmly twice, borderline shouting three times and then lost it.

It worked very well! It make us laugh when my kids now tell me they were scared of me. Not in a scared I would abuse them but scared in a respectful way, that they knew I would have the last word and would have to comply in the end.

Don't feel bad!

If one of mine was climbing on a table and didn’t get down when they were told OP, I would say in a certain voice that they instantly recognise “ah, it looks like you’re choosing to stand on the table”

They shit themselves and stop doing the thing immediately because they know it means there will be some as yet unknown consequence. Usually missing out of something they really want or enjoy.

Are there truly no consequences your children would be upset over? There must be something they wouldn’t want to miss out on.

Right so I’m chained to the table all night, I can’t cook, get my younger one into bed or tidy up. Very practical 😂

@Losttreasure not that I’ve found. Oh they’d be upset in the moment but doesn’t actually change the behaviour iyswim

This is just hyperbole

There's no such thing as naughty by Kate Silverston is a game changer.
Also see if there is any support you can get for yourself to help you stay calmer/deal with any issues.

There is literally nothing I said or suggested that would have you stuck at the table all night…

If you aren’t willing to change how you parent them. And continue to feel that you hate them, don’t like them, fed up with them. Then nothing is going to improve. Things will get worse as they get older.
And as they get older they will realise how much you don’t enjoy being their parent etc. Your resentment/ unhappiness will continue and they will be miserable too. Because they won’t loved or appreciated.
Regardless of the effort involved this needs sorting asap. It’s relatively easy to do with smaller kids. Much much harder as they approach 10 and nigh on impossible with teens.
You wouldn’t tolerate your school class kids behaving badly so why do so with your own children. Plus living next door to you, being in a restaurant next to your family etc must be awful. Listening to you shout and your kids behave badly.
If you want good results then yes you absolutely can spend an hour or more repeatedly eg removing him from the table. Explaining why you have and consequences if he carries on. And repeat. It will be hard a5 first but the effort will be worth it. Future you will be happier as will your children.

Thing is @ToKittyornottoKitty and tbh this is why I hate giving specifics as someone (several someones tbf) always hones in on it and focuses on the minutiae of the situation rather than looking at the big picture and it’s hard to explain the reality of dc2 saying mummy mummy MUMMY on repeat, of the dog barking, of dc1 shouting ‘will someone get me water’ and then climbs on the table ‘Ds get down … ds get DOWN.’ Then less than ten seconds later I’m carrying plates back through to the kitchen and trying to load the dishwasher ‘Ds get down; ds get DOWN.’ Then I try to charge my phone and the phone charger is broken again (thanks Ds) and then I come across a pile of toys left in the hall. ‘Ds get down. Ds get DOWN.’

I wish I had the answers here and I wish it wasn’t just that I’m a horrible irritable shitty person but I fear I am. Endless ‘mummy mummy MUMMY.’ They both endlessly repeat it even when another adult is there with them. They both won’t accept ‘wait a moment’ dc2 just now asked for milk; I go to get her milk and she shouts at me all the way ‘I want milk, I want milk.’ It instigates this almost panicked and stressed response in me where I’m inwardly going ‘ffsshutupshutupshutUP.’ And it’s all through the day.

So I am probably not pouring myself in glory but I don’t care. I don’t have time to endlessly turn climbing into the table and being lifted off into a game or whatever magic solution presented and they always are; it’s always ‘well if you just did this it would solve all problems’ and it never ever does 😂

I strongly disagree. She has not met my ds. And I bet she recommends gently talking through problems or sitting on the pavement looking at leaves or something.

I don't know if I'm just lucky but I've honestly never had to shout at my children! Yes, they annoy me at times but if I ask them to do something then they listen.

This.

Have you tried whispering?

Most children are very motivated by things they want to do and things they enjoy. Are you saying your children will be upset at a consequence the first time around and then the next time you remind them of said consequence happening again they still misbehave?

A didn’t focus on a tiny detail, you only gave one example, I gave a basic answer of remove kid from the room to stop the event and you are determined to pick it apart and insist that’s impossible and you’d be chained to a table playing a game, which doesn’t even line up with what I said. Lots of us here have kids, pets etc and understand how overwhelming it can be. But disliking your own kids, screaming at them and talking about how miserable life is while refusing any suggestions at all isn’t helping you or them.

Sometimes I shout, I hate it but sometimes it’s needed to get everyone’s attention.

I do notice though if I actually get up and go to them, get down to their level and then speak things generally go better. Trying to be a more gentle less shouty mum means I have to get up a lot more because it’s one thing to say ‘feet on the floor’ when they’re climbing on the coffee table and I could get louder and crosser or I can just get up and remove them and intervene that way.

ETA I posted before I saw your latest post so I have the example of the coffee table without seeing you use that as an example. I can totally tell it’s stressful when they’re always AT you and even when you’re getting them the thing they asked for they’re STILL WHINGING and I also have yelled in that scenario too. We got rid of our coffee table when my middle was 2 because I’d rather have no table than spend my life saying to get down! But if it’s the dining table being climbed on that’s harder to get round.

TBH I don’t think you need parenting advice. I think you need some time away from parenting to not feel harassed and give your nervous system some calm. Do you have a partner? Can you put something in place to get you time alone/away to reset?

1. You've 3 little kids, it's pretty much relentless shit. Sorry.

2. The table thing I'd go hard on. Take him off once, next time he's on the stairs for 5 minutes. Does it again and toys start going.

3. They will naturally grow out of a lot of it. If your oldest is 5, they turn a corner at 6ish.

No she hasn't met your children (or mine) but be open minded and give it a try! She explains why a child behaves the way they do and what they are trying to communicate with their behaviour.
Her approach is about understanding the child and improving the relationship between the parent and child. It is not about wishy-washy not disciplining, be kind parenting!
She's a trained child therapist and even her sceptical husband has input in the book - trying her techniques when his shouting doesn't work.
I have quite a challenging child and it's really helped me manage myself and him better.
There's No Such Thing as Naughty - a Groundbreaking guide for Parents with Children from 0-5 by Kate Silverton - Sue Atkins The Parenting Coach https://share.google/Suq6wEziZKBr4qFer
Kate Silverton - Wikipedia share.google/xfusnEnT1HQSvhrxh

OK. Well, I don’t think it’s very helpful to endlessly ruminate over the table. It makes no difference if I tell him or keep removing him; the point is he keeps doing it. Perhaps you think physically removing him is less stressful for me; it isn’t, the opposite really.

He only keeps doing it because there isn't a consequence for not doing it. If there was a week of consistent removal and stair time, toys gone etc, he'd stop. The problem is you don't have the mental reserves to hold the line because there's 2 other tiny dictators demanding your attention.

At the ages of your kids they don't listen on demand. You can't spend hours reasoning or gentle parenting either.

Oh, he keeps doing it consequence or not.

OMG YES!!!! 32 fifteen year olds listen better than my DC. Difficult ones.

Depends on the ages, my secondary school age yelling get up for the 20th time that month 10 minutes before the bus left may not be effective but you have had it!