To expect my mum to look after her only grandchild on her own for 2 hours a week?

[Welshlady89]

My mother is 75. She is relatively fit and healthy and leads an active lifestyle.

I am 35 and have one child. She will be an only child for various reasons, including health reasons (I have a heart condition and also had bad PPD).

My child is 1. She is the only child in the entire family as both my brother and my DH’s sister aren’t going to have children.

I work freelance. One morning we have outside help with my child, one morning MIL comes down to help, and one morning my mum helps.

My mum also sees my daughter everyday for an hour or so - she comes to have lunch with me in my house on most days.

Whenever she has my daughter for the morning I can guarantee she will be difficult with me when I pick her up. She is tetchy, snappy and talks about how difficult it was, how tired she is and she is almost resentful at me. She adores my daughter, and I appreciate that she is getting older, but 2 hours isn’t that long considering it’s only once a week.

Each time I go and pick my daughter up, I make a big effort to be chirpy and in a good mood. Today, despite very little sleep for 4 nights, I tried my hardest to not put a foot wrong. Yet still I was met with complaints. I suggested I had lunch alone, to give her a break from my daughter as I could see she was in a bad mood and I wanted to avoid a big argument.

It didn’t work and she became even more agitated and then sent me a barrage of 20 messages about how she wouldn’t look after my daughter again and how disrespectful I was etc etc.

I don’t know what to do. AIBU? Should I send my daughter to nursery instead for the morning my mum has her? I can’t stand the feeling of resentment much longer. When I try to talk to her, she just snaps and denies being in the wrong.

I would appreciate your advice.

Then that's probably why you've had some comments to say YABU because it comes across that you're expecting things, especially as the title says you're expecting it.

what a heartless thing to say

Actually I am asking for advice.

Ok name one thing you find hard, find someone else that finds that thing easy. Now do that thing alone for several hours each week - because after all if someone finds it easy- it can't really be hard for you.

You utter self-centredness and entitlement show. I can't believe you are this horrid about your own mum. Don't expect her to do it anymore. Take time off work on the sessions your mum would have your kid until you've found childcare.

The most heartless comment here, I agree.

As I’ve pointed out to this person, I didn’t wait, I lost many babies along the way.

I wonder why that poster isn’t apologising to me?

reread your thread title

and advice

“oh mum i get it, it’s hard work. Thanks for being straight with me. I’ll sort nursery. Now, when you next over for lunch?”

YANBU.

The comments on here are very extreme and bitter! You are not ‘entitled’ and have explained why you used the word ‘expect’ in your post - because your DM offered to help and in fact encouraged you to move closer, precisely for that reason.

Objectively speaking, two hours a week is not a lot for someone who is fit and active and still working part-time - it sounds like it’s just selfishness on your DM’s part. This attitude of ‘I raised my family, I just want fun granny time now’ disgusts me, but at least some posters here have the guts to admit they simply don’t WANT to do it, rather than the majority saying your DM CAN’T do it/isn’t coping etc.

Let’s see what your DM ‘expects’ as she gets older and inevitably needs more help - I’m sure what you ‘want’ won’t come into it, and all these posters calling you selfish and entitled would be the same ones telling you it’s your job to look after your ailing parents. The hypocrisy is astounding.

For whatever reason she is wanting you to feel guilty about this despite offering. I would remove her from the equation and look into a nanny. I don’t know how much money you have to spare for childcare but as you only need a few hours throughout the week I’d see if there might be a nanny or even an au pair who could help out. It would also give you some flexibility if you wanted to take on any more work.

Alternatively I would also so recommend sitting down with your mum outside of the childcare time and laying it on the table and asking what the trouble is? This doesn’t need to be framed as an argument but more a check in because she seems unhappy at pick up. If she insists all is ok and continues to do it then I’d 100% say thank you but this isn’t working anymore and for the sake of your relationship you need to look into an alternative option.

Well said. The comments here bear no relation to reality.

In real life most people would absolutely consider an able grandparent who wouldn’t do two hours a WEEK of childcare without making a song and dance about it a bit of a dick.

OP hasn’t even implied she feels negative towards her mother about this so she’s a bigger woman than most would be. She seems quite willing to change the arrangement if needed; she’s just wondering if that’s the right thing to do.

I can't believe the hostility on here. Your dm is being weird and selfish. I really feel for you OP.

Thank you for your compassionate response!

Maybe it hasn’t panned out to what she thought it would be. More “work” than “fun”?

Convincing you to move closer to “help you”, then offering to help (2 hours per week 😂), and changing her mind seems a tad manipulative, but we are where we are.

The attitude, etc, is her way of telling you she doesn’t want to do it anymore. Pick up on her cues and find alternative arrangements.

You’re not the first person to be let down like this—MIL volunteered to take care of my toddler in our home when I went into labour with my second (they live over an hour away). I went into labour one day before my due date. DH phoned, and his parents had both had too much to drink, so couldn’t drive down. Cue the lady in labour ringing around for someone to take a toddler overnight immediately. 🙈 Had it not occurred to them that they both shouldn’t be drinking so near to a due date? Who knows.

She’s your child. Why are you ‘expecting’ anything ? That’s what’s unreasonable. Your mum is telling you as clearly as she can that you DD is too much for her. You may think it’s ‘only’ two hours. For your mum at 75 it’s totally different.

you won’t do this op will you? 😆

and when you say you’re asking for advice, did you cast your eye over your thread title?

I didn't read you were expecting anything, OP seems very clear. I think a lot of these comments are fucking insane, your mum had previously been ok to do this, and clearly enjoys your company as she comes to lunch a lot (LOL at the people suggesting this is yet ANOTHER burden on the poor old dear - most 75 year old mums would give their right arm to sit down with their daughter every day).

I think it was an entirely reasonable arrangement childcare arrangement, which may now no longer be working, so look into alternatives. I imagine your mum will
continue to say she's upset you are doing so, I think that just goes with the territory - she probably feels that its too much for her, but wishes it wasn't.

I had my DDs at 38 and 40 respectively, my parents were long dead so we had no childcare help at all but I don't resent those who do. I just don't know what it is about grandparents even lifting a finger to help with their grandkids, it brings out all the keyboard warriors on here.

WHERE does she say that? She is asking what she should do. Not saying how can I force my poor aged mother to care for my child. Wtf is wrong with people.

I didn't read you were expecting anything, OP

read the thread title

what can she do?

surely that was abundantly evident the first time who mother very clearly expressed her stress and struggling with the arrangement…. and called up nursery!

Why do you have it in for me?

oh dear
because i’m pointing that that her offering and then changing her mind when she struggles is absolutely fine

and pointing out the way to have handled it was to have said “of course mum, i get it, ill call nursery”

I hate posts like this. So, what you are saying is... someone of 75 doesn't feel comfortable looking after a full-on 1 year old, every week... in that case, you can rot at home when you are 90, don't expect any help from your child.

I would love to offer my services to my DD to look after my impending GC but I think it might be a bit much every week. I don't sleep well at night, and I would be on tenterhooks the whole time because I'm a bit of a worrier and I would want to do it right. When I had my DCs and looked after others' children, I was hyper vigilant, and I think I would be like that, but even more so because I would be out of practice.

However, when it is babysitting, or looking after GC whilst Mum goes for a run, or even having baby overnight when appropriate, I'd be there.
This is not being selfish. This is being sensible and realistic. Maybe you will feel differently when you are much older.

Could you say something along the lines of

’Mum, you asked to look after x for a morning a week but when it comes down to it, it seems you find it really difficult and tiring. Would it be easier all round if I put her in nursery then instead and we see you separately so you do not have to do any solo childcare?’

@Welshlady89 I appreciate your Mum is saying she wants to look after your daughter, but I wonder whether she does feel that you expect it from her ( which is how you worded it) and doesn't want to feel that she is letting you down? Wants to be seen as being helpful, when in actual fact she is 75 and it is too much for her?

She may lead an active lifestyle and works part time but at 75, even if you are reasonably fit and healthy for a 75 year old, she will get much more tired, much more quickly than even a few years ago and even if it is only 2 hours, it is clearly tiring her out beyond what she can cope with. A one year old is hard going, even if you are decades younger.

I would definitely tell your Mum that you are going to be putting your daughter into nursery or get a child minder and apologise to her, that you hadn't realised how difficult she was finding it and you are sorry.

As far as lunches are concerned - does she want to come round as often as she does? Not sure whose idea that was, which is why I am asking. Maybe also discuss with her whether she enjoys coming round as often, in which case fine, but you could say to her that you won't mind if she would rather come less often - but please, whatever you do, please don't make her think you are trying to punish her because she can't watch the little one. Leave asking about the lunches for several months before you mention that bit if you have to?

My mum and child are similar ages and she doesn't do more that 5 mins alone as she struggles to lift or run after him

The thread title is what is colouring most peoples’ judgment. I’m not far off OP’s DM’s mums’ age and if the child was difficult and tiring I would absolutely say something and not expect to be judged for it.