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To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
SleepingStandingUp · 22/01/2024 09:59

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 10:36

The thing is I feel we've had the conversation plenty of times. I've told him why. I've told him I don't want to have to look after another dog, he insists he'll do it all (which I don't believe), I've told him we have enough on our plate with a toddler and our existing dog and rhe house already feels crazy enough etc etc.

I have said all this. We have been going over this for months so yes now I've reached the point where I'm just not interested in having the conversation anymore and I'm not listening to it when he brings it up for the millionth time.

I have even said I will consider it when DC is older. He just wants one now.

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

It sounds like you've told him all the reasons you don't want a dog, but all he's allowed to say is he wants one.

I'd sit down and say ok, tell me. Tell me all the reasons you want a dog. Tell me how another dog is better than just one dog. How it'll never affect you etc.
Listen to it all with only polite noises.
Then say "the current dog we have does impact my life, so I don't believe the new one won't. It will also be massively disruptive to both DDog and baby so at this point my mind is not changed. Let's reassess when DD goes to school. You can't bring a living thing into the family someone doesn't want.

Then hence fourth you can say no I did listen, I know you think a new Dog will help you achieve your lifelong goal of walking on the Moon but it's still a no from me".

PiersPlowman11 · 22/01/2024 10:00

I am beginning to think this dispute isn’t actually about a dog…

Jumpers4goalposts · 22/01/2024 10:44

The more I think about this the more I think if neither of you are willing your relationship is already over. You’re kind of just on the funeral march of it now.

blondiepigtails · 22/01/2024 10:48

Our dog died when DD3 was a year old. I refused to have another one until she went to school as I couldn't bear the thought of having to keep something else alive and well. I was a SAHP so got another one a few years later. No, I don't think you're being unreasonable, especially as you already have a dog.

LouDeLou · 22/01/2024 13:18

NCADHD · 20/01/2024 09:55

Tell him you want a second husband


Circularargument · 22/01/2024 13:24

SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 10:37

But you’re ok with women who do it?

🙄Oh give over. Straw woman alert.

Moonshild · 22/01/2024 16:05

I drew the line at 5 dogs and when he got a 6th it was the final nail in the coffin for the marriage

Coffeeandcatsforlife · 22/01/2024 17:46

My ex wanted us to get a dog but I always said no as he was such a lazy slob and didn’t do anything round the house unless nagged. Said he would walk it etc. I knew he absolutely would not. We also had a baby and a toddler at the time. I wanted a cat as I wouldn’t have to walk a cat etc. Despite loving cats he always said no because I said no to a dog. When I got rid of him a few years after )for lots of reasons) I got myself and my children a cat 😂🥰

Itsdifferentnow · 22/01/2024 19:54

PiersPlowman11 · 22/01/2024 10:00

I am beginning to think this dispute isn’t actually about a dog…

Yes. (I love Pers Plowman btw)

I remember a friend asking me how my husband and I decided things if we each had different views on something. I was completely unable to answer. I had been married about 8 years. In all that time and before we married, my husband had always just done what he wanted whatever I felt or said. By this time I had given up discussing issues and lived a miserable life. His choices were very much just what suited him and he never discussed them, just did them. As I stayed silent my friend answered for her marriage saying that if they disagreed, then they would go along with what the partner who felt most strongly about the issue. I thought that seemed very fair. I also realised that even when my husband put my daughter, a toddler, in danger and I felt excruciatingly strongly about the issue, I was so scared of him I had been unable to negotiate this situation with him and just had to try and avoid it arising again.

My friend's question stayed with me all my life and made me realise just how terribly unhappy and distressed I was in my marriage.

I think my long-winded explanation of my realisation of how my life with my husband was not normal or healthy, might illustrate how our OP could have a similar situation. It's a kind of 'can't see the wood for the trees' thing. When you are living it daily, while still trying to keep the family fed, clean, at school, going to work etc. and at the same time batting off the slings and arrows thrown at you which if you were in any normal marriage you would never have to endure, you just do not have time to realise this situation is simply plain wrong!

I think it's time to say to him, enough of this! You have spoken! It is not one rule for him and another for you! He refuses to discuss another baby. You are not discussing another dog. He needs to enjoy the one he has. Any further pestering and you will be getting advice for divorce.

If he will not be reasonable, then it is time to think about the conditions of your marriage, the kind of life you are leading and the atmosphere he creates. Do you really want a life living like this where you have no control over your own life while he goes on the way he does? What is this teaching the children about parents and family life? You cannot go on like this. If it's not about a dog, I think he will find another subject to pester you with. The dog is an excuse to express coercion and control over you while ignoring your individual rights. Also is the 2-dogs thing some kind of status symbol?

(I know some people do yearn to have another dog and may have a good reason such as a companion for their current single dog. But he does not seem to be fitting this criteria. I explained earlier how this can work well, but only if you are in agreement and he is totally responsible about caring for his dogs including things like cleaning the floor when their paws are wet.)

My feelings now are; Do not let him have another dog. I am already worried that he is not being kind and responsible to the current one.

Itsdifferentnow · 22/01/2024 20:13

Moonshild · 22/01/2024 16:05

I drew the line at 5 dogs and when he got a 6th it was the final nail in the coffin for the marriage

AAAggghhh! What kind were they? Were there children in the house?

I briefly had five - four were rescues. BUT they were all extremely small (smaller than cats) and I lived alone and was at home all the time and just took on the fifth to feed it every two hours as its mother abandoned it at five weeks, the size of a mouse... It survived and became the most loving little tiny dog.

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