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AIBU?

To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
Checksorstripes · 21/01/2024 18:40

toxic44 · 21/01/2024 18:31

Shutting down a conversation because you don't want to listen to him doesn't sound much like an equal partnership. I agree the person who doesn't want the dog has the veto but refusing to listen builds resentment. I'd really love to have a cat, it's a long-time desire. DP says he couldn't manage a cat in the house. He listened to me and I listened to him. We agreed we won't have any pets at all whilst we live in our current house.

How many times can she possibly be expected to listen to him though? It’s unreasonable to keep having the same conversation over and over and like he listened to her and then said no to a baby and she respected that, he should do the same about the dog.

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JaneAustensHeroine · 21/01/2024 19:00

Both people need to agree to have a dog. A dog is a big and lengthy commitment, practically and financially. If one person doesn’t want a dog then it will never work. Same as for babies.

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RandomNameChoice · 21/01/2024 19:21

It sounds as though you have already heard him out fully? Letting him get all his points out, not jumping in to shut them down as he goes along?

If not I would suggest doing that where he gets to speak and you can note points to come back but are not "allowed" to interrupt at all until he says he is done making his case.

I say this this for 2 different situations... I have experience of a relatiionship where DP would jump straight on things to shut them down and it would take so much effort and unpleasantness before I got to say what I was trying to say and sometimes he was even OK with what I was suggesting, but not OK with what he had assumed I was asking.

Sounds as though that is not your situation as you know what he wants, but my experience has me being in favour of hearing folk out thoroughly.

The other situation may be more relevant if you have never managed to hear him right through without interrupting to veto it... for a while I worked in telephone customer service...

... if a customer was asking for something the call taker knew from the very start they couldnt provide and tried to shut the customer down because knew it was a no, but the customer had some special circumstance which hadnt been heard, result - unhappy customer and possibly demanding a manager.

But if the customer was listened to, and got to tell their story, even though it was still a no, it was better accepted as they felt at least they got to put their case.

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Roxy69 · 21/01/2024 19:23

If he really wants another dog and you are against it because of the work involved, just have another reasonable conversation with him. Don't get mad, offer a solution, give him 2 years to up his game and prove he can be a responsible owner. If he can consistently, 24/7 take it out, clean up after it and spend time with the kids then you could revisit the proposal. From experience, 2 dogs is pretty much the same as having 1 dog, bar the expense of course. Good luck, don't let him browbeat you.

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toxic44 · 21/01/2024 19:24

@Checksorstripes But OP says she doesn't listen to him. Just saying No and dismissing the subject sounds very Critical Parent to me.

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Londonscallingme · 21/01/2024 19:26

I would listen to his reasons, out of courtesy, however, if you still don’t want one I do think it’s reasonable to veto the idea.

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Checksorstripes · 21/01/2024 19:30

toxic44 · 21/01/2024 19:24

@Checksorstripes But OP says she doesn't listen to him. Just saying No and dismissing the subject sounds very Critical Parent to me.

She said they’ve had the conversation ‘plenty’ of times and it’s been going on months and that’s why now she says no and doesn’t want to listen.

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ChocolateCinderToffee · 21/01/2024 19:32

How old is he? He sounds like a whiny two year old. I wonder if he grew up in a family where, if he whined for long enough, his parents gave in and gave him what he wanted.

I would be reconsidering the relationship to be honest. If he leaves, he can have all the dogs he wants.

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Notchangingnameagain · 21/01/2024 19:32

What are his reasons though? Best thing we ever did for our first dog was get a second dog.

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Jumpers4goalposts · 21/01/2024 19:47

I think you are being unreasonable. Not for not wanting the dog, but for not wanting the conversation and not offering/discussion a compromise. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Maybe the compromise should be not know but we’ll discuss it again when DC is x or something.

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Wallywobbles · 21/01/2024 19:49

Jumpers4goalposts · 21/01/2024 19:47

I think you are being unreasonable. Not for not wanting the dog, but for not wanting the conversation and not offering/discussion a compromise. Isn’t that what marriage is all about? Maybe the compromise should be not know but we’ll discuss it again when DC is x or something.

But that's exactly what she has said.

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Ellie56 · 21/01/2024 19:53

I've said no, yet again, this weekend. So he's dragged our DC into it, got them to now start with piling on me. Showing them pics of a puppy from a litter that's recently been born. Having them throwing tantrums on me when I continue to say no, along with "we'll just keep wearing you down until you give in".

@ImVanilla Wow what a vile horrible man. I would tell him to get his dog and move out.

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RandomNameChoice · 21/01/2024 20:19

On second thoughts... the current flashpoint seems to be disagreement about whether he was ever heard out properly?

If so, then even though you believe he was heard, wouldn't you reach peace sooner if you bite the bullet and suggest he works out exactly what he wants to say and you will give him one more opportunity to make a case completely uninterrupted.

He will need to agree to drop it for an agreed time period after that, which could be confirmed in a text between you, for something to be pointed to if he starts all over again very soon.

Then schedule a time to sit down together when you won't be interrupted by anything else either.

You would have to be prepared to completely resist interrupting though, to wait until he says done. Then he hears your objections out (also uninterrupted!) then you hear out his response to those, again uninterrupted.

At which point yes, unless he says something new, or in a different way, that may change things, you may still want to insist on veto rights because you believe extra work would fall on you. But at least you will have listened. And he will know he has been heard.

The DP I mentioned really struggled to not jump in the second he heard a point he didn't like (and it was usually not even the point I was trying to make just some word he'd homed in on!). 

So on especially contentious topics I had to insist that he jot a word on paper to come back later to what he'd wanted to interrupt with (or he would jump in and sidetrack it before I barely had 2 sentences out of my mouth, saying he'd forget his point if he couldn't jump in). I had to do the same when it was his turn. His opening words would sound as though he'd missed the point so it took conscious effort to 🤐 until it was my "turn" again.

(Sorry if that seems patronising spelling out how to "listen". That part is sharing my experience of how with that DP we sometimes had to agree firm "discussion rules" to get anywhere at all).

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Itsdifferentnow · 21/01/2024 20:45

Actually, it can be easier having two dogs.

If the dog is alone during the day, at any time longer than 2 hours on a regular basis especially, then it will suffer. Dogs need company. They are pack animals.

I have more than one dog. As soon as I took in the second dog life became easier. Now I have four. They are all very small though. They do everything together so it's like one dog. They wash each other so I have not washed their eyes or ears since I had more than one. They exercise each other by playing together. When I go out they do not pine because they have each other. Although if I go upstairs and they miss me they start a singing kind of noise which is really quite nice. I call back to them and they answer. Apparently wolves call to each other like this!

I just thought you might be interested. If you don't like dogs much, in a funny way you might find it easier to give in and let him get on with his dog family. The difference will be hardly noticeable. Unless he is planning on really big dogs then just by the space they take up it will make a difference! How big is your dog now? If it's a medium or smaller dog I would certainly say that another not very big dog wouldn't make any difference and might make things easier, as I have said. Just be firm about his poopa scooping duties though.

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Itsdifferentnow · 21/01/2024 21:01

ImVanilla · Today 18:05

'Could have written this post myself. Except we have no dogs, but have had a dog in the past that caused endless arguments about his lack of responsibility to it, despite it being HIS dog that HE wanted.'

In the above situation you have ALL my sympathy! A man who behaves like a spoilt irresponsible child, has a dog or any pet and then does not take responsibility for it, should not have another one!

I am being honest in my previous reply though, about how having two dogs, so long as they are not huge, can be almost no different from one and in some ways easier. But this depends on him being responsible and looking after them. I mention it partly because I am aware that my dogs are much more contented having each other as well as me. I also said it because if he gets his own way it might just comfort you to know that my experience of more than one dog is very positive. I'm not trying to make you or anyone get a dog they don't want.

He must think of Vet's bills too.

Good luck.

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Codlingmoths · 21/01/2024 21:16

Itsdifferentnow · 21/01/2024 20:45

Actually, it can be easier having two dogs.

If the dog is alone during the day, at any time longer than 2 hours on a regular basis especially, then it will suffer. Dogs need company. They are pack animals.

I have more than one dog. As soon as I took in the second dog life became easier. Now I have four. They are all very small though. They do everything together so it's like one dog. They wash each other so I have not washed their eyes or ears since I had more than one. They exercise each other by playing together. When I go out they do not pine because they have each other. Although if I go upstairs and they miss me they start a singing kind of noise which is really quite nice. I call back to them and they answer. Apparently wolves call to each other like this!

I just thought you might be interested. If you don't like dogs much, in a funny way you might find it easier to give in and let him get on with his dog family. The difference will be hardly noticeable. Unless he is planning on really big dogs then just by the space they take up it will make a difference! How big is your dog now? If it's a medium or smaller dog I would certainly say that another not very big dog wouldn't make any difference and might make things easier, as I have said. Just be firm about his poopa scooping duties though.

Sometimes it works that way. Actually, it can also be easier having two dc. They play together, they can love each other very much. Therefore the Dh should stop his opposition to two babies and start trying for a second immediately.

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Harmonypus · 21/01/2024 23:32

You're basically in a stalemate situation.
He wants a dog, you say no, you argue that you have the 'right' to veto what he wants, but doesn't he have that same 'right'?

Unless you agree to the dog but with a caveat of "not right now but in 18 months', and you are prepared to stick to it, you're just going to be going round and round in circles, and he might decide that another dog is more important to him than a woman who constantly says 'no'.

You really need to find a way to meet on common ground for this.

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rookiemere · 22/01/2024 06:37

Harmonypus · 21/01/2024 23:32

You're basically in a stalemate situation.
He wants a dog, you say no, you argue that you have the 'right' to veto what he wants, but doesn't he have that same 'right'?

Unless you agree to the dog but with a caveat of "not right now but in 18 months', and you are prepared to stick to it, you're just going to be going round and round in circles, and he might decide that another dog is more important to him than a woman who constantly says 'no'.

You really need to find a way to meet on common ground for this.

We have a dog as DH mithered me continuously until we got one.
If he wanted another one it would be a hill to die on for me and honestly I would be prepared to consider divorce if he insisted. Thankfully he doesn't.

There is no common ground. They have a dog already. OP wanted another baby, he vetoed that.

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GreenwichOrTwicks · 22/01/2024 07:10

I finished with someone recently even though I really love him and thought we had a future, because he was very selfish, and I accommodated that but I had told him getting a dog would be a deal breaker (because he is selfish and irresponsible and not suited to dog ownership) but he wanted one, so he got a puppy just assumed I would come round to it as it is cute.
Luckily we didn’t live together or have DC together so I dodged a bullet.
I realise this is different to your situation OP, but please hold the line. You respected his c reasons for not wanting a child (did he give reasons?) so it works both ways. Agree with b previous poster -give him one shot to give his reasons, consider them for a few days then give him a final ‘no’.
And for v those posters putting the case for v more dogs -the dog point is irreverent -it is his way of going about it.

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wubwubwub · 22/01/2024 07:49

Harmonypus · 21/01/2024 23:32

You're basically in a stalemate situation.
He wants a dog, you say no, you argue that you have the 'right' to veto what he wants, but doesn't he have that same 'right'?

Unless you agree to the dog but with a caveat of "not right now but in 18 months', and you are prepared to stick to it, you're just going to be going round and round in circles, and he might decide that another dog is more important to him than a woman who constantly says 'no'.

You really need to find a way to meet on common ground for this.

If he thinks having a dog is more important than staying with the OP, then he may as well fuck off right now.

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MaybeTooLate · 22/01/2024 07:54

YANBU not to get another dog.

Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

YABU to interact with your husband like this. How dismissive and rude. If the sexes were reversed people would be asking about abuse.

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rookiemere · 22/01/2024 08:55

MaybeTooLate · 22/01/2024 07:54

YANBU not to get another dog.

Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

YABU to interact with your husband like this. How dismissive and rude. If the sexes were reversed people would be asking about abuse.

The conversation has been had many times.
It's fairly rude to keep bringing up an issue that has been discussed and a conclusion reached.

OP should say she wants another baby every time he says he wants another dog.

He can't even look after the one he has - most dogs don't poo in their garden as they get enough walks not to. I've also started making DH arrange and pay for dog care if he is going to be away , otherwise his choices mean I have to walk the dog for 2 hrs each day and can't go away myself.

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MaybeTooLate · 22/01/2024 09:10

OP should say she wants another baby every time he says he wants another dog.

Or they could try communicating like adults.

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phoenixrosehere · 22/01/2024 09:18

MaybeTooLate · 22/01/2024 07:54

YANBU not to get another dog.

Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

YABU to interact with your husband like this. How dismissive and rude. If the sexes were reversed people would be asking about abuse.

Couldn’t the same be said about him or that he is being very disrespectful, badgering his wife non-stop after she has said no and why?

If he’s not really taking care of the dog they do have, why should they have another?

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NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 22/01/2024 09:19

Harmonypus · 21/01/2024 23:32

You're basically in a stalemate situation.
He wants a dog, you say no, you argue that you have the 'right' to veto what he wants, but doesn't he have that same 'right'?

Unless you agree to the dog but with a caveat of "not right now but in 18 months', and you are prepared to stick to it, you're just going to be going round and round in circles, and he might decide that another dog is more important to him than a woman who constantly says 'no'.

You really need to find a way to meet on common ground for this.

There is no compromise or common ground with a dog / baby. You can’t get half. Or one part time. Or try one for a few weeks and then return it if you don’t like it.

It’s a permanent / long term commitment. And a major disruption to everyone's life. That’s why people call it a “ lifestyle choice “.

That’s why it has to be two yeses. One party always has the right of veto. No always trumps yes.

Of course anyone can leave a relationship at any time, they have that legal right. And people will have their own opinions about a man who would prioritise his wish for a second job over his marriage and the welfare of his children.

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