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AIBU?

To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

OP posts:
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Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
WavingCatsandDogs · 20/01/2024 14:47

He thinks he can wear you down. Which is horrible.

Return to the kids argument, see how he likes it.

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Spacecowboys · 20/01/2024 14:49

Well if my dp suggested a second dog for our house it would be a hard no, so im with you on this. The house dog we do have wasn’t even my idea , although I did agree to getting one. Guess whose dog it has become 🤣. Follows me everywhere. So no, it wouldn’t even be up for discussion and I’d tell him to stop going on about it.

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Spencer0220 · 20/01/2024 14:58

NCADHD · 20/01/2024 09:55

Tell him you want a second husband

🥇 🥇🥇🥇

Best answer ever.

On a serious note, you can continue to shut the conversation down. He's being unreasonable to repeatedly force it.

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BobbyBiscuits · 20/01/2024 15:14

It seems such an odd thing to desperately want. You have a baby. He's got one dog already. Does he shower current dog with affection, play with it, take it out every day, clean up after it, do vets visits? Even if he does will he do it twice? It sounds like he might be jealous about the baby, and sees a new dog as something for him to have as 'his' baby? Maybe that's a reach but I have heard stuff like that quite a few times.

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MagpiePi · 20/01/2024 15:22

It sounds like he doesn't take much interest in the dog you already have, why would another one be different?

I would just respond with wanting another child every time he starts on about another dog.

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LaurieFairyCake · 20/01/2024 15:23

You just say you want to talk
About another baby EVERY time he brings up the dog 🤷‍♀️

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pikkumyy77 · 20/01/2024 15:25

BobbyBiscuits · 20/01/2024 15:14

It seems such an odd thing to desperately want. You have a baby. He's got one dog already. Does he shower current dog with affection, play with it, take it out every day, clean up after it, do vets visits? Even if he does will he do it twice? It sounds like he might be jealous about the baby, and sees a new dog as something for him to have as 'his' baby? Maybe that's a reach but I have heard stuff like that quite a few times.

This is a very goid observation.

on another note I think OP would be well advised to look into non violent communication (NVC) and at books like “how to talk so children will listen/how to listen so children will talk” or look at high conflict relationship stuff. The pattern of arguing/browbeating and insulting that her dh is using to get his way is very ugly and childish. He is not choosing, or not able, to manage adult decision making and that puts OP in the position of someone arguing with a toddler. It’s not appropriate.

The more insistent and repetitive the argument the more resistant and parentified the OP. Its toxic.

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Sunflower8848 · 20/01/2024 15:31

Maybe just hear him out, and then say the answer is still no.

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rookiemere · 20/01/2024 18:47

Sunflower8848 · 20/01/2024 15:31

Maybe just hear him out, and then say the answer is still no.

She already has many times.

DH is the same. Once he gets an idea in his head he goes on and on and on until I can't stand it any more so I cave in. Thank god he doesn't want another dog as that would be my hill to die on. Instead he seems mildly surprised about how much work our existing dog is as he wanted him, so he does all the feeding, majority of walks, vet visits etc.

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DeeCeeCherry · 20/01/2024 18:49

Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

Tell him exactly this every single time he brings it up.

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GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2024 18:59

SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 10:37

But you’re ok with women who do it?

I knew someone would say this! I don’t find women do it so much - I’ve only ever come across it in men. But also I guess men have a power advantage in relationships - both physical and psychological due to conditioning etc - so I would probably find it worse from a man.

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autienotnaughty · 20/01/2024 22:09

I think you need to be clear. It's no and there is no further discussion. If he wants two dogs he needs his own place.

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Moonshild · 21/01/2024 17:41

Annoying as it is that he keeps wanting to have the same conversation - it’s better than just appearing with another dog like my ex husband used to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

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pineapplesundae · 21/01/2024 17:54

Dog lover here. It would make your husband very happy and I think that’s worth something. Make him sign a contract agreeing to help more with cleaning up after the dog AND being a hands on dad as well. Let the poor man have the dog. 😊

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Boomboom22 · 21/01/2024 17:56

If you want another child keep asking about that. Another dog is ridiculous, you have one.
He sounds extremely selfish.

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Checksorstripes · 21/01/2024 18:02

pineapplesundae · 21/01/2024 17:54

Dog lover here. It would make your husband very happy and I think that’s worth something. Make him sign a contract agreeing to help more with cleaning up after the dog AND being a hands on dad as well. Let the poor man have the dog. 😊

As a dog lover, you should want dogs to be in homes where everyone loves them and cares for them and no one resents them.

He vetoed a baby, she can veto a dog.

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ImVanilla · 21/01/2024 18:05

Could have written this post myself. Except we have no dogs, but have had a dog in the past that caused endless arguments about his lack of responsibility to it, despite it being HIS dog that HE wanted.

12 yrs down the line and I'm still being chipped away at to get another dog. A dog only HE wants, a specific breed HE'S decided on, but ultimately a dog I will end up being responsible for, feeling resentful, taken advantage of and constant arguments about it.

I've said no, yet again, this weekend. So he's dragged our DC into it, got them to now start with piling on me. Showing them pics of a puppy from a litter that's recently been born. Having them throwing tantrums on me when I continue to say no, along with "we'll just keep wearing you down until you give in".

I'm fucking tired of it. I'm not doing it. If he wants a dog again, he can bloody move out and get himself one.

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ImVanilla · 21/01/2024 18:11

pineapplesundae · 21/01/2024 17:54

Dog lover here. It would make your husband very happy and I think that’s worth something. Make him sign a contract agreeing to help more with cleaning up after the dog AND being a hands on dad as well. Let the poor man have the dog. 😊

But it wouldn't make her happy. Why would you think it was a good idea to encourage anyone who doesn't want a dog to get one?!

And in what world do you imagine that contract would be upheld? And how do you propose it be enforced?

God, some dog lovers are away with the fairies and think everyone's supposed to love dogs as much as they do. Some people just don't like them, and those people shouldn't be forced to have one/several living with them in their own home if they really don't like them.

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ImVanilla · 21/01/2024 18:15

Moonshild · 21/01/2024 17:41

Annoying as it is that he keeps wanting to have the same conversation - it’s better than just appearing with another dog like my ex husband used to do 🤷🏻‍♀️

That'd 100% be a divorce situation for me. DH has threatened this with me "if I just turned up with one, you wouldn't be able to do a thing about it, and you'd think it was so cute you wouldn't turn it away anyhow"

I've told him in no uncertain terms if he pulls a stunt like that, it's an instant deal breaker. There will be no marriage left. It'd be like me adopting a baby without his agreement but turning up at home with a new child one day and saying "well, there's nothing you can do about it now, and look how cute it is though!"

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OhmygodDont · 21/01/2024 18:19

Thing is why does he need another dog. You already have one??

whatever his reasons for wanting another dog don’t out weigh you reason for not just as you want another baby and he does not.

I hope you’ve actually brought that to his attention you wanted another baby he said no. You accept that even though the daily druggery would be you.

he wants another dog where the fault druggery would be you and you said no. He doesn’t accept that.

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Oldtigernidster · 21/01/2024 18:24

I don’t think you should have another dog, you don’t have much affection for the poor dog you already have.

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toxic44 · 21/01/2024 18:31

Shutting down a conversation because you don't want to listen to him doesn't sound much like an equal partnership. I agree the person who doesn't want the dog has the veto but refusing to listen builds resentment. I'd really love to have a cat, it's a long-time desire. DP says he couldn't manage a cat in the house. He listened to me and I listened to him. We agreed we won't have any pets at all whilst we live in our current house.

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wubwubwub · 21/01/2024 18:33

I'd be inclined to say, fine, if he walks the dog you already have twice a day every day, kicks up every poo, books, pays and takes it to every vet appointment/groomers, buys all the food, feeds it twice a day, washes it etc for 9 months... you'll think about it.

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Bestyearever2024 · 21/01/2024 18:36

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

Wow. He really is a TWAT

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HappiestSleeping · 21/01/2024 18:37

NCADHD · 20/01/2024 09:55

Tell him you want a second husband

this 👆

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