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To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

You are being unreasonable
You are NOT being unreasonable
kittylion2 · 20/01/2024 12:12

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

I hope you have reminded him of this in no uncertain terms and on every occasion he brings up the second dog! Cheeky damn devil he is.

Fourfurrymonsters · 20/01/2024 12:15

As the owner of 4 dogs - I’d say you’re absolutely not being unreasonable. Dogs are hard work. Multiple dogs even more so. I’m not kidding when I say that our outgoings on our dogs are almost the same as our mortgage - they’re all elderly now, and it’s hundreds and hundreds a month we’re spending on them. I don’t grudge it at all, we are wholly responsible owners and love the dogs to bits. But if you’re not on board with multiple dogs then it’s a huge no-no and the resentment will eventually cause a massive rift in your relationship. Sit him down and tell him firmly that if he wants a second dog, he can leave and get one himself.

harriethoyle · 20/01/2024 12:15

I would sit him down next time he starts, tell him it's his one shot to give you all of his reasons etc, purport to think on it for a couple of days then say no. That way next time he brings it up, you can remind him of that one shot convo. .

AgentJohnson · 20/01/2024 12:20

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

Marriage counselling if you can be arsed. If I was polite I’d say he was immature.

whyhere · 20/01/2024 12:22

I have had one dog at a time, and I have had two dogs at a time. Two dogs are a million times harder than one! (Happy to list the ways if anyone cares!)

Fizbosshoes · 20/01/2024 12:28

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2024 10:35

I hate men who won’t let something drop after a reasonable amount of time of being told “no” - who think it’s open season to keep going on at a person forever until they’re worn down. Sometimes no is the answer and everyone has to move on and accept it.

Plus it doesnt sound like hes doing a great job with the existing dog.

I can't remember if I overheard or whether the friend told me but my DH once said to a (male) friend if you keep saying the same thing enough times, eventually they get sick of it and back down! (About bulldozing an idea through that the other person disagrees with)
DH totally denied saying it when I confronted him about it but it is a tactic he used to try (I think he's realised now!) . Sometimes he asks a question and gets an answer he doesn't like, so re-phrases slightly and asks again - as if I won't notice it's basically the same question!

VickyEadieofThigh · 20/01/2024 12:47

Jollyoldfruit · 20/01/2024 10:06

We have a dog and its rare ( a poorly tummy) that she ever poos in the garden. There's no need for a dog to poo in your garden regularly and if he is you need a separate area for him.
And no, don't get another dog.

Same here - she only ever poos in the garden if she has diarrhoea. She does wee out there, however.

MrsMarzetti · 20/01/2024 12:49

YABU to not listen and just shut him down, that is rude. Listen then still say no is the right way to go about it.

museumum · 20/01/2024 12:56

I think you should put a timescale on it. It would be reasonable to say you will discuss it again when dc is 5.
life with a 5yr old is very different than with a toddler and life changes a lot when they go to school - everything from daily routines to when and where you holiday. Not saying you need to get another dog then, but it’s a good time for a new conversation.

Beyondbeyondbeyond · 20/01/2024 12:58

You’ve had the conversation he has given his reasoning and you have given your answer. The problem is he isn’t hearing your no.

Beyondbeyondbeyond · 20/01/2024 13:00

MrsMarzetti · 20/01/2024 12:49

YABU to not listen and just shut him down, that is rude. Listen then still say no is the right way to go about it.

You do not have to have the same conversation over and over just because one person cannot accept the other person’s answer. You absolutely should hear a person out. Maybe a few times to clear the air but over and over and over. Nope that isn’t reasonable.

lapsedrdwhoenthusiast · 20/01/2024 13:01

He sounds immature.

Thelnebriati · 20/01/2024 13:04

Introducing a second dog into a home carries the risk that the new dog will bond more strongly with the existing dog than it does with you. You have to keep them separate for much of the time, and that also means doing things like training and walking them separately. That's before you get to the added complications of having a toddler.
If he was doing a stellar job looking after the dog you already have, he might have a stronger case.

Other than the dog mess in the garden, does he pull his weight?

Whaleandsnail6 · 20/01/2024 13:10

I think the person who doesnt want a pet should always be the one who wins. Animals are a big commitment and everyone in the household should be on board.

NotMyFirstChoiceofName · 20/01/2024 13:28

Well he says he will do everything for the next dog but he’s not doing everything for the first one.

so I’d give it a trial. For the next 6 months , he has to do everything for the dog now. Including cleaning up the house, garden, walking, feeding, vets . If he goes away or goes out , he needs to take the dog with him.

Make sure you go away for some days/ weekends alone and leave him with kids and dog.

See how that goes.

NaughtybutNice77 · 20/01/2024 13:31

How about suggesting you take a lover and how you already have one (him) so one more wont take much more effort and how it won't really impact on him. He'll barely notice he's there.

Klcak · 20/01/2024 13:37

I can’t believe he vetoed a 2nd child but doesn’t think you get to veto a 2nd dog!!

TiredCatLady · 20/01/2024 13:47

YANBU - why is he so desperate for a second dog?

I mean, you already have one dog and a toddler, I personally wouldn’t want to introduce a new animal (dog or cat) with such a small child in the house as they’re both so unpredictable.

Also, in the event he magically turns up with another dog at one point, absolutely hit the roof. (I know blokes who have done exactly this…)

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 20/01/2024 13:50

SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 09:58

I mean I agree with you.

But one of the issues in my marriage is that my husband (well meaning but overly cautious, thinks everything to death) vetos everything. Another baby. Pets. Stuff to the house.

So I feel creeping resentment that he gets his way on fucking everything because he never wants to change anything.

Living beings is one thing, you can't force that change.

Stuff to the house I would just do. Rip off the wallpaper. Buy a new sofa. Change the carpets. Just do it.

caringcarer · 20/01/2024 14:13

Ask him what a second dog would give him that the first dog doesn't.

RatatouillePie · 20/01/2024 14:20

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 10:36

The thing is I feel we've had the conversation plenty of times. I've told him why. I've told him I don't want to have to look after another dog, he insists he'll do it all (which I don't believe), I've told him we have enough on our plate with a toddler and our existing dog and rhe house already feels crazy enough etc etc.

I have said all this. We have been going over this for months so yes now I've reached the point where I'm just not interested in having the conversation anymore and I'm not listening to it when he brings it up for the millionth time.

I have even said I will consider it when DC is older. He just wants one now.

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

In which case every time he says he wants another dog, tell him you want another baby. No baby, no dog.

This doesn't sound like the best relationship...

"We" have 2 dogs. Actually I'm not a dog person so the dogs belong to DH and he I'd solely responsible for walking them and clearing up after them. Except its me that vacuums daily and mops the floor etc... we can't not have a dog as I discovered he prefers dogs to people and was a grumpy miserable git when his previous dog died. It was divorce or dog!

Alwaysgoingforit · 20/01/2024 14:24

OP don't move to the Isle of Wight then, it is almost obligatory to have 2 dogs here. People have dogs rather than babies here.😀


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Wallywobbles · 20/01/2024 14:26

The last I got 2 dogs it was a massive mistake. They fought really nastily. So we had to deal with that for 13 years. I've said no more dogs ever. And I've had them for 50 years.

Medusaismyhero · 20/01/2024 14:38

Definitely stand your ground here OP. A home with an existing dog and a toddler is no place for another dog. Even placid and previously wonderful dogs can become aggressive/unpredictable when a new dog joins their pack. This isn't the time for it.

diddl · 20/01/2024 14:46

Why is he so desperate for another dog?

I also wonder why the dog shits in the garden.

When does he walk it?

Before work & in the evening obviously?

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