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AIBU?

To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

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Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

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You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2024 10:35

I hate men who won’t let something drop after a reasonable amount of time of being told “no” - who think it’s open season to keep going on at a person forever until they’re worn down. Sometimes no is the answer and everyone has to move on and accept it.

Plus it doesnt sound like hes doing a great job with the existing dog.

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eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 10:36

The thing is I feel we've had the conversation plenty of times. I've told him why. I've told him I don't want to have to look after another dog, he insists he'll do it all (which I don't believe), I've told him we have enough on our plate with a toddler and our existing dog and rhe house already feels crazy enough etc etc.

I have said all this. We have been going over this for months so yes now I've reached the point where I'm just not interested in having the conversation anymore and I'm not listening to it when he brings it up for the millionth time.

I have even said I will consider it when DC is older. He just wants one now.

Funny thing is, we had a conversation about more kids. He decided he didn't want anymore and I'm expected to accept that but this is somehow different and I'm selfish for not having the same conversation over and over about a flipping dog.

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TrappedPotato · 20/01/2024 10:36

Absolutely fine to not want another dog of course, but I think it would be helpful to at least have the conversation so your DH can feel heard. I think shutting things down with a flat 'no' is very frustrating for the other party. My ex-H would do this to me all the time and it was very hurtful - not because he didn't agree, but because he simply refused to discuss/compromise/communicate.

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SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 10:37

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 20/01/2024 10:35

I hate men who won’t let something drop after a reasonable amount of time of being told “no” - who think it’s open season to keep going on at a person forever until they’re worn down. Sometimes no is the answer and everyone has to move on and accept it.

Plus it doesnt sound like hes doing a great job with the existing dog.

But you’re ok with women who do it?

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TrappedPotato · 20/01/2024 10:38

TrappedPotato · 20/01/2024 10:36

Absolutely fine to not want another dog of course, but I think it would be helpful to at least have the conversation so your DH can feel heard. I think shutting things down with a flat 'no' is very frustrating for the other party. My ex-H would do this to me all the time and it was very hurtful - not because he didn't agree, but because he simply refused to discuss/compromise/communicate.

Sorry - just seen your update that you have had the conversation.

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Notmetoo · 20/01/2024 10:40

You are nit being at all unreasonable. But he is. Why does he want another anyway? Seems odd to be desperate for another. Why does he feel his life isn't already full enough?if he has so much spare time perhaps he could spend it on his child?

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Universalsnail · 20/01/2024 10:48

Yanbu I would not get a second dog.

Have you actually listened to his view point and reasons though? As if not I would hear him out and then say just no your not up for it.

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MindHowYouGoes · 20/01/2024 10:48

My second dog did not fit neatly into my home - it took months of hard work, separating them with dog gates, separate walks - and now the two dogs only tolerate each other, they don’t seem to like each other much. I don’t have children either to add into the mix. If you don’t want a second dog you don’t get a second dog especially since you’d be the one wrangling dogs and toddler.

take the same attitude as he does with having another baby when you bring that up - mirror his behaviour back to him.

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DifficultBloodyWoman · 20/01/2024 10:50

heldinadream · 20/01/2024 09:54

Tell him you want another baby and if he says no tell him he's being unreasonable.

First response nailed it.

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Cherrysoup · 20/01/2024 10:50

He’s vetoed another child? So keep bringing that up every time he mentions another dog.

My house is covered in mud, the door is open to the garden unless it’s freezing or raining so they’re in and out constantly. They’re a massive tie.

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p1ppyL0ngstocking · 20/01/2024 10:56

Ask him to prove that having the second dog won't affect you at all, by him doing all the dog care and housework for the next 6 months.

Also, if you're ever invited out as a couple, he is always the one who has to stay home and dog sit, he has to do all walks, all feeding and all vet trips and clean up all poo (in a timely fashion) for your existing dog. Regardless of whether he's sick, working or has an invitation to go out and do something more interesting.

If he can do all of that, consistently for 6 months then you'll consider it. But the first walk he doesn't do/hair he doesn't hoover up/poo he doesn't pick up ends the conversation about a second dog; permanently.

If he's so sure he would do all that, then he'll have no problem putting his effort where his mouth is will he?

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Sharontheodopolodous · 20/01/2024 10:58

I know a couple (him,her,one dc and a dog)

She's always said that when dog snuffs it,she won't get another (which is fair enough)

He got it in his head he wanted another (different breed) and set out to get one,no matter what

He beat her down,2 weeks later they got a pup and it's caused no end of issues (I don't care what they say,pup was from a puppy farm)

Dc fell in love with new pup,dad thought it was fab until the novelty wore off,poor older dog can't understand why he's not the only dog in the house to be adored and has to share everything and poor old mum has done everything for both dogs,she looks knackered and is struggling with the pup

All so dad could get his own way and have the status of 'two dog daddy' rather than 'one dog daddy'

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SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 10:59

All so dad could get his own way and have the status of 'two dog daddy' rather than 'one dog daddy'

there are fully grown men who carry on like this?! Gross 🤢

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laclochette · 20/01/2024 11:08

What are his reasons for wanting a second dog?!

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Codlingmoths · 20/01/2024 11:09

Whoever said that re baby is spot on. ‘Dh, I want another baby.’ Him: we talked about this, no. You: we talked about a dog and I said no. So do we end this conversation here or are you going to explain who made you god? We made vows to each other, you seem to have decided I made vows to you. NO DOG.

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Malarandras · 20/01/2024 11:12

I mean I really want a cat but the people I live with do not, so that’s that. I do not constantly go on about it! This is the type of thing that everyone has to want. If one person doesn’t then it can’t happen. And really people don’t need more of a reason than they just don’t want it.

Edited to correct typo!

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Ellie1015 · 20/01/2024 11:14

Yanbu. Calling you selfish is him trying to guilt you into it. Do not feel guilty ignore him calling you selfish and see him guilt tripping as a reflection on him and don't feel bad about saying no.

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rainbowstardrops · 20/01/2024 11:35

Why is he so desperate for a second dog?
Oh and he shut down the possibility of another baby, so I'd shut him down with this every time. Tell him you appreciated his stance on another child and he needs to appreciate that you don't want another dog right now.

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ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 20/01/2024 11:39

Tell him if he does it all e.g. picks up shit for a whole year you can get another dog. No way will he keep that up.

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PiersPlowman11 · 20/01/2024 11:39

Tell your husband that life’s a bitch, you’re dog-tired, and that he’s to stop hounding you.

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Catapultaway · 20/01/2024 11:45

Springcleaninginsummer · 20/01/2024 09:57

I would be tougher on him about the dog he has already Why is any dog shit left on grass that your kids play on? That is disgusting. 🤢 He goes out with the dog when it does its business and bags it immediately. You are not a dog-sitter so he needs to employ one when he is too busy. Etc. I'm sure you can think of others.

Who said the first dog is his dog and not a joint decision with joint responsibility?

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bombardelli · 20/01/2024 11:46

YANBU. Person who doesn’t want dog trumps person who does.

Who does existing dog belong to and who does most of the work?

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Molehillmountain1 · 20/01/2024 11:55

YANBU.

It's like having children. Unless you both want them, it shouldn't happen.

For people saying it's unfair to shut the conversation down, you've clearly already had the conversation multiple times. Your opinion hasn't changed and your situation hasn't. I completely get why you don't want to keep rehashing the same conversation while he attempts to get a different outcome.

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lemmein · 20/01/2024 11:59

I had considered getting a second dog to keep my first company - then my DD's relationship broke down and she moved back home with her pup. My dog HATES it - like, really can't stand this dog - will snarl at her if she even breathes next to her!

I'm glad I didn't get a second dog.

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aLFIESMA · 20/01/2024 12:01

I would point out the doubling of the costs for two dogs too, and as they get older how much the insurance goes up! My little dog at 12 yrs now cost £105 per month in insurance, approx £ 80 for food and that's not including bedding/blankets/toys etc. My little boy is fluffy and cute so we get plenty of kiddies asking their parents for a doggie when they meet himGrin
I always make sure to warn mum or dad of the 'running costs'.
For those that don't insure- a friend recently had to 'find' £16000. I know that as you have one already you know all this but your DH might not have considered the hit to the budget .

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