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AIBU?

To refuse to listen to DHs reasoning or have this conversation anymore?

135 replies

eenymeany1238 · 20/01/2024 09:51

DH is desperate for another dog. I categorically have no desire for another one right now (already have a ddog and a toddler so the house feels hectic enough).

He has been doing on about this for months. Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further.

He's now saying I'm totally unreasonable and being selfish for "not listening to his reasons for wanting one and taking it into consideration" and how it's not just up to me blah blah.

The thing is, which I've said to him before, I do feel like this is my decision as the person who doesn't want another one (AT ALL). Its not like a new coat, it's a living creature and as much as he might say and believe it there is no way we could get another dog and it not affect my life as well. He very well may be the one to walk and feed it but its still Mt house that will get covered in even more fur, me who'll be left with it if he ever wants to go anywhere, me who may have to clean up the mess in the garden in the summer when we want to go outside and he's not had chance to clean up yet and so on and on and on. I don't believe for a second it's possible to have a pet, especially one like a dog, in the house with other people and it NOT sometimes fall to them to deal with.

I'm just not interested in having the conversation because my mind isn't going to change. I've even said MAYBE when DC is older I would consider it then but right now it would feel too much.

I don't want to talk about this topic any longer. I've said what I've said and I don't think we need to keep going over it. I'm sick of him acting like I'm depriving him of something massive. We have a bloody dog already!!

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?

1350 votes. Final results.

POLL
You are being unreasonable
9%
You are NOT being unreasonable
91%
heldinadream · 20/01/2024 09:54

Tell him you want another baby and if he says no tell him he's being unreasonable.

DustyLee123 · 20/01/2024 09:54

If he wants another dog so badly he moves out and has one. He doesn’t brow beat you until you give in.

NCADHD · 20/01/2024 09:55

Tell him you want a second husband

ButterflyOil · 20/01/2024 09:56

I agree with you. Dogs are a huge responsibility and it’s not that unlike deciding to have another child (though I hate the whole treating dogs like kids thing) - it has to be a joint decision and so if someone doesn’t want to they should get the veto in my view.

How much does he look after the current dog? Also how much does he do with your toddler - does he have times where it is just him the dog and your toddler? Sounds like you have plenty of time where that’s the case for you?

Springcleaninginsummer · 20/01/2024 09:57

I would be tougher on him about the dog he has already Why is any dog shit left on grass that your kids play on? That is disgusting. 🤢 He goes out with the dog when it does its business and bags it immediately. You are not a dog-sitter so he needs to employ one when he is too busy. Etc. I'm sure you can think of others.

MumHereAgain2023 · 20/01/2024 09:57

How utterly frustrating

SmellyKat10 · 20/01/2024 09:58

I mean I agree with you.

But one of the issues in my marriage is that my husband (well meaning but overly cautious, thinks everything to death) vetos everything. Another baby. Pets. Stuff to the house.

So I feel creeping resentment that he gets his way on fucking everything because he never wants to change anything.

Peridot1 · 20/01/2024 09:59

I completely get your position and we are similar here. I don’t want another dog when our current dog passes away. DH does.

Is your DH more frustrated that you just won’t discuss it or that you have said no? We discuss it and have an agreement we will revisit the topic after three years of not having a dog.

So maybe sitting down and listening to him and agreeing to revisit the topic in a certain time frame might help?

Bladwdoda · 20/01/2024 10:00

YANBU - a pet should be a decision for all the family. All agree or it doesn’t happen. As you say, it’s impossible that it won’t affect you.

PiersPlowman11 · 20/01/2024 10:05

As a general rule, I believe that a change in the status quo needs the consent of both or all affected parties. So, yes, you do get a veto in this matter, just as your husband would if the situation were reversed.

Tell your husband that while you understand his desire for a dog, it’s not like buying a potted plant or a new jacket - it comes with the burden of responsibility you (as a fellow householder) do not want.

End of conversation.

MatildaTheCat · 20/01/2024 10:06

Out of interest what are his reasons for such desperation?

I totally agree with you and we are dog people but your reasoning in absolutely correct and everyone needs to be on board for a decision like this.

I can’t think of a good way of killing this conversation but I guess you could agree to revisit the idea at intervals? Ideally about once every five years but probably yearly/ 6monthly in reality. In the interim you leave the room each time it’s mentioned.

Jollyoldfruit · 20/01/2024 10:06

We have a dog and its rare ( a poorly tummy) that she ever poos in the garden. There's no need for a dog to poo in your garden regularly and if he is you need a separate area for him.
And no, don't get another dog.

CoffeeMachineNewbie · 20/01/2024 10:08

What imdoes he think he is he missing that he thinks another dog will fill the void?

Gingernaut · 20/01/2024 10:09

Springcleaninginsummer · 20/01/2024 09:57

I would be tougher on him about the dog he has already Why is any dog shit left on grass that your kids play on? That is disgusting. 🤢 He goes out with the dog when it does its business and bags it immediately. You are not a dog-sitter so he needs to employ one when he is too busy. Etc. I'm sure you can think of others.

This

He wants dogs, then they are his responsibility

Leaving you to sort out vets, grooming, walking, training and toileting means you are the owner not him.

It sounds like he's tying you to the house and he can go off and tell people he's a dog daddy, without doing anything to suggest ownership

wronginalltherightways · 20/01/2024 10:11

Your existing dog shouldn't be pooing in the grass where your children play anyway.

He should have a designated area for it. And be walking it.

And you definitely can say no more dogs. They are living creatures with a lot of needs and related expenses, and you have to be on board to have one in your home.

YANBU

Dibbydoos · 20/01/2024 10:17

What strikes me as weird in this post is that lots of people don't get how a dog is part of the family and adding a new one is like adding a new person.

I think 2 dogs is a good number though cos they keep each other company and have someone they can properly communicate with. We have 3 dogs and initially it was madness, now it's normal and fine and I wouldn't change a thing.

Don't bring a second dog into your house unless you choose the dog because you will resent it and the poor dog will suffer ie ou will be causing animal abuse.

I'm nit sure you and your DH have the same life values tbh. Maybe you should talk about that...

ChildrenOfRuin · 20/01/2024 10:17

I firmly believe that when it comes to things like new dogs, everyone in the household needs to be in agreement that they want a dog. Because as you say, it impacts everyone, not just the person who really really really wants a dog.

Would it perhaps help if you agreed to revisit the subject in a year or two?

Nonplusultra · 20/01/2024 10:18

It is unreasonable not to listen to his reasons but if the conversation has been going on for months, has he not expressed these reasons? If you’re shutting down the conversation each and every time I think that is unreasonable.

Or does he think “listening” means being convinced by his views and conceding?

I don’t think yabu for your reasons for not wanting a dog.

blackpanth · 20/01/2024 10:18

YANBU

TheSlantedOwl · 20/01/2024 10:20

YANBU. Is he used to getting his own way? I imagine it’s a shock to his system that his wishes aren’t being immediately complied with.

ItsMeAgain2024 · 20/01/2024 10:24

Most times I just shut the conversation down with no and say I don't wish to discuss it further

If someone was constantly shutting me down about something I wanted to discuss I’d become really resentful. Have you actually discussed why you don’t want another dog with him?

sparkellie · 20/01/2024 10:25

Have you actually sat down and talked to him about it at all?
Your reasons aren't wrong, and you absolutely shouldn't have a dog you don't want, it wouldn't be fair on anyone.
But when you are married to someone you should have enough respect for them to be prepared to sit down and discuss things you disagree on, not just walk away because you have decided something and won't change your mind. He deserves to be able to say why he wants this dog so much and to hear the reasons you won't have one.
Set aside the time to talk to him calmly and be clear on your reasons and listen to his. Everyone needs to feel heard. Make sure you are clear that you won't have the discussion continuously, but as a pp suggested maybe once a year would be fair.

Livelovebehappy · 20/01/2024 10:27

Jollyoldfruit · 20/01/2024 10:06

We have a dog and its rare ( a poorly tummy) that she ever poos in the garden. There's no need for a dog to poo in your garden regularly and if he is you need a separate area for him.
And no, don't get another dog.

Mine too. You can actually train them not to poo in the garden by having a regular routine. Mine never poos in the garden and waits for his walk in the nearby woods, when I obviously pick up the poo btw…..

HamBone · 20/01/2024 10:27

Has he considered that the new dog could take a lot of settling in and getting used to your current dog and your toddler? One of my neighbor’s has a cautionary tale-they got a second dog a couple of years ago and he hates everyone in the family except her. He tolerates their older dog, but they’re not exactly friends. They even considered rehoming him after he bit people but are battling on.

I’d say that your toddler is too young at the moment to introduce a new dog-it was different with your current dog as presumably he/she was settled when your baby arrived. Reconsider when they’re older and less vulnerable.

Frozenasarock · 20/01/2024 10:27

Completely fine to not get a second dog - it’s like another child, the person who doesn’t want it gets to veto.

But I’d be a bit upset if I really wanted something and instead of listening to me and talking about it my husband just shut me up and said “no and I don’t want to talk about it”. You don’t need to agree to what he wants, but have you properly talked about it so you both feel heard? Obviously you can’t have the same conversation on a daily basis but people are allowed to express how they feel in a marriage!

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