Page 2 | MIL and boundaries about holding baby

mymilcausestrouble · 2023-09-11 11:27:37

This is my second child and I feel like I made a mistake with my first in that I felt if someone, particularly grandparents, visit they come expecting to hold the baby. Now my oldest is 2yrs and my youngest is just over 6mo. MIL has been to visit a few of times and each time I said in advance to all visitors (friends, family, grandparents etc) that I do not promise to let any visitor hold the baby, only if it works for us. I’ll also take her back at any time I decide, even if she’s only been held for a minute, particularly if my baby cries or I think she’s uncomfortable. If they’re coming then they need to help out and helping out isn’t holding the baby, it’s bringing food, doing some laundry, cooking us a meal or cleaning (obviously not all from one visitor and not at the same visit). I don’t want a break from either of my children, we’re a family and we’re happy to be together. In principle when this message was communicated to all visitors and family, my husband agreed and stood by it. The first visit MIL came and when she asked if she can help to hold the baby whilst she’s awake, I outright said that the baby is comfortable in my arms and likely about to fall asleep in the next few minutes. But what she can do is the dishes. And when she asked to be made a cup of tea whilst I was holding my daughter I pointed to the cupboard she can get the cup. Then she made a face and just seemed grumpy and said she must have come at a bad time then left early. Latest visit (there have been visits in between) MIL asked if she can help out with the girls (my daughters), I said yes perhaps she’d like to do the girls’ laundry - a fresh load of washing just finished so she could hang that up (guessing she meant holding the baby or something like that so didn’t appreciate my response and just ignored it). That visit she did hold the baby and when my daughter started looking uncomfortable I took her away. When I resettled her, MIL gestured that she wants the baby back and asked if she can hold her whilst I hang the laundry. I just simply said no thank you. Shortly after she left, again in a grump. Later she called my husband crying that she isn’t being allowed to be a granny and she wants to play a bigger role in our family than she currently is. My husband says he’s heartbroken to see his precious mum cry and if it means so much to her we should make an exception for her. I’d like to add - my own mum completely sticks to these rules too. But then it’s perhaps a little different because without being asked during my pregnancy my mum would bring me home cooked food, she’d come and help with the laundry when I couldn’t bend down so much to do it, she’d clean as I spent precious time with my daughter whilst she was still my only baby. And since having Baby No2 my mum has continued this. She’s held the baby but not every visit if it didn’t work for us eg if the baby was sleeping.

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