To cut off dead beat grandparents aibu?

[Hangrysaurus]

Going to post in relationships too

sorry it’s quite long.

DC 1s 5th bday and nada, no card, no gift, no phone call, no visit (15 mins away), no text no nothing. Dc was quite upset. MIL and my parents visited.

it’s a very complex back story but it’s my DH F. He left MIL and DH as a child and moved in with OW and had a few kids with her. When DH turned 18, divorced MIL for half the house. Classic family 1 and family 2 scenario, whereby first children get forgotten about. Having observed fil he’s a bully and a classic narcissist. Never takes responsibility and does a lot of gaslighting.


relationship between DH and his F have been tense with a lot of unspoken resentment from DH. They’ve sort of bumbled through out of almost obligation if that makes sense. All sort of milestones have been either missed or ignored DH 30th, kids birth (although was acknowledged weeks later) kids birthdays. Dh has visited his father here and there, brought kids every other month or so, never reciprocated. DH grew tired and basically just gave up, and move to a don’t ask don’t tell sort of arrangment.


Long story less long, OW and fIL fell out with dh for not visiting enough, culminated in a bit of a row and air clearing when dh said you’ve not made and effort and ignored all my kids birthdays for years now, it’s hurt them and us, it works both ways. There seemed to be some sort of acknowledgment of past ‘wrongs’ and a resolve to make a change moving forward.


enter us making a big effort, dh calling to check in (one way) visiting, planning a surprise bday with gifts. Fast forward to few weeks before dc1 bday, invite them to day out we were planning (didn’t want to come, made excuses, fine that’s ok), small bday party at home (same story had excuses, fine ok) promised to come on her bday. Bday comes (2 weeks ago now), they don’t show, calls ignored, text ignored. No contact, no card, no present, no call. Dc was quite upset (got over it as littles do) but was asking where they were and thought they weren’t happy with him that’s why they didn’t come. Calls from DH have been ignored. Both are active on social media so are alive and well and there’s been no falling out. No contact until, FIL calls DH and asks him if he’ll drive him around for the day as his car is having a service. Dh asks why no visit, no call, no response to texts, was unwell and didn’t feel like an effort was made to include him so didn’t bother.


i can’t lie I’m upset, a big deal was made by them about us not making an effort and then we said fine, one more shot and this happens and for the 5th year in a row. Enough is enough right? I’m happy to be told I’m wrong or too sensitive or have too high standards. Aibu to call it a day here?

thanks for reading :)

[Kd96]

I am going through this exact situation with FIL! Infact I could have word for word myself. This week after 7 years of little to no contact from them what so ever they have decided to email telling myself and DP that when they pass our DD will hate us for blocking contact. Something neither my DP or I have ever done! When they have bothered its been pathetic, cringey and damn right uncomfortable for both DP and DD. I mean who gifts a celotape dispenser to a 3 year old for a bday gift.. oh yeah, pfft 🤣 cut those ties babycakes

[Howtohelp1234]

My FIL is exactly the same, even down to the history. It’s really frustrating but I’ve just let DH deal with it, every time I bring it up he always has this inbuilt loyalty to his dad. With my DC, they know they have grandparents who love them and are involved in their day to day lives and another who isn’t. In terms of going NC I absolutely would but I don’t feel it’s my decision to make. With the DC I never mention FIL, they don’t go to his house or even know he exists to be honest. He was a crap dad and is isn’t any better as a grandpa.

[Hangrysaurus]

@Aquamarine1029

You have always known exactly what these people are like, yet you're upset that they're still behaving exactly the same way. Just stop waiting for something to change because it never will. All this emotional energy wasted on people who you know don't give a fuck. Cut them out of your lives and just move on.

I completely agree! The last conversation after they fell out with us in the own heads was sort of the last chance saloon from my perspective. DH has been having counselling for basically the trauma his father has created (I’d actually consider it abuser tbh but that’s another thread and quite outing), so this was his sort of no regrets last ditch attempt which i said I’d support for dh mental well-being but I knew in my heart how it would go

[Aquamarine1029]

You have always known exactly what these people are like, yet you're upset that they're still behaving exactly the same way. Just stop waiting for something to change because it never will. All this emotional energy wasted on people who you know don't give a fuck. Cut them out of your lives and just move on.

[Aubriella]

So FIL only got in touch when he needed something (a chauffeur) and he tried to blame his shit behaviour on you guys.

He really is a dead beat. Ignore him and don’t do him any favours.

[Hangrysaurus]

@KoalaCape

Let DH keep whatever contact he wants but no more contact with GCs. It's unfair on them - they don't know if they're coming or going! I'm not saying to outright tell them they can't see their GCs but you and GCs stop visiting and when they choose to visit you, then consider reciprocating. Don't mention FIL and OW to your DCs and let them gradually be faded out with their choice to not visit. Let your DCs enjoy the GPs they do have who are involved with them.

We have a similar, not quite as bad, problem with my ILs and I've learnt to just step back and wait for them to initiate contact. When they don't, we just hold out. Sometimes it can be ages but eventually they may call to check in; they won't visit though and expect us to come to them. I have put my foot down a few times and we've even gone to their local area to see friends and other family without bothering to tell them (they are a few hours drive away). They don't really even get the hint but I atleast feel better 😂

Give it a few weeks so you aren't as cross anymore- anger can cause us to act irrationally. Don't contact them in this time. See what they say or do when the time has elapsed (e.g. have they reached out?) and then decide how to proceed.

This is exactly what we did before on the sort of don’t ask don’t tell, and classic narc they were the victims and we were the villains. They expect us to visit them and to bring the dcs to them on the kids bdays. Truthfully I just don’t have the patience for it and now the children are older they will feel their ambivalence more. my husbands having counselling for it, so it clearly does damage.

[KoalaCape]

Let DH keep whatever contact he wants but no more contact with GCs. It's unfair on them - they don't know if they're coming or going! I'm not saying to outright tell them they can't see their GCs but you and GCs stop visiting and when they choose to visit you, then consider reciprocating. Don't mention FIL and OW to your DCs and let them gradually be faded out with their choice to not visit. Let your DCs enjoy the GPs they do have who are involved with them.

We have a similar, not quite as bad, problem with my ILs and I've learnt to just step back and wait for them to initiate contact. When they don't, we just hold out. Sometimes it can be ages but eventually they may call to check in; they won't visit though and expect us to come to them. I have put my foot down a few times and we've even gone to their local area to see friends and other family without bothering to tell them (they are a few hours drive away). They don't really even get the hint but I atleast feel better 😂

Give it a few weeks so you aren't as cross anymore- anger can cause us to act irrationally. Don't contact them in this time. See what they say or do when the time has elapsed (e.g. have they reached out?) and then decide how to proceed.

[Hangrysaurus]

@Aconitum

You and especially your DH have tried your best. You can't do any more.
Is your DH strong enough to go NC?

Not really, he still gets a bit sucked in with the excuses and the turning the situation around and blaming him or saying he’s not made enough effort, so he then starts questioning himself but it’s a lot harder to us to drag 3 little frustrated kids to their house to sit around watching the tv than it is for them to come to us,

[DSGR]

Time to stop bothering. They are hurting and upsetting you all. Spend time with the grandparents who love your dc

[Aconitum]

You and especially your DH have tried your best. You can't do any more.
Is your DH strong enough to go NC?

[A580Hojas]

Yanbu. Time to stop flogging that dead horse.

[Always4Brenner]

These toxic parents make sick they make their childrens life hell then when they go nc do nothing but moan and whine about it, expect them to drop everything as they get older.

[MrsCarson]

You tried, just stop bothering.

[Hangrysaurus]

Damn autocorrect, dead beat not dead best