Toxic sibling - don’t want him in my life

[JHSM]

Hi, am looking for some guidance… I have an older brother who has had significant mental illness and behaviour issues for as long as I can remember (we are both now in our early 40s).

We have never been close and his issues dominated family life, causing a lot of distress for my parents. They ended up moving away to get away from him.

I left home as soon as I could and have distanced myself from him since I was in my late 20s.

I have only seen him for a little while when our dad died 6 years ago and again when our mum died in February .

I find him incredibly difficult to be around - he has a victim mentality and is very bitter and negative. I know from conversations I’ve had with my mum and other relatives that he has had nothing nice to say about me and holds a lot of anger and resentment towards me.

He had a very co dependant relationship with my mum and he was a bully at times.

We have had sporadic contact after mum died while sorting out her things and the will is still pending.

He has started messaging me regularly and posting inappropriate comments on social media (he has only started going on social media this year).

I have removed him from my Facebook.
I don’t want to be unnecessarily unkind as I know he has taken mum dying very hard and he does have genuine problems. He tried to be very controlling and was difficult to deal with while sorting mum’s funeral. Most of the time, I went along with things to keep the peace and when I did challenge him, he would blame his mental health - which he has done his whole life.


I don’t want him in my life - as awful as that sounds.

He has friends so is not alone.

He has recently had support from mental health services so is not without help.


How do I gracefully retreat without being unduly nasty? If I started telling him what I really think, there’d be decades of anger and fury pouring out… and I don’t see any benefit in doing that.

[JHSM]

@Thereisnolight

I don’t blame you at all.

Cant help wondering about your parents role in all of this though. They moved away in the end? From their own child who clearly had issues? (Unless he was violent). And your mum took care to tell you that he spoke negatively about you. Lovely!

And although he wasn’t physically violent, he was emotionally abusive and threatening.

[JHSM]

@Thereisnolight

I don’t blame you at all.

Cant help wondering about your parents role in all of this though. They moved away in the end? From their own child who clearly had issues? (Unless he was violent). And your mum took care to tell you that he spoke negatively about you. Lovely!

My parents supported him as best they could for as long as they could. This included involvement with appropriate Drs and my services. It eventually started having a significant impact on their health - when that moved away, my brother was 32 and they made sure he had a home and was safe. They didn’t cut contact but couldn’t live in the same house anymore.

I suspect my mum held back on a lot of what he said about me and his negativity towards me is part of his overall negativity towards life. She did her best for both of us.

[Notimeforaname]

Well into my twenties * not teens . We're both mid/late 30s now

[Notimeforaname]

My older sister tormented me our whole childhood and well into my teens. I'd refuse to talk to her, then she'd get engaged or have a baby and I would look unreasonable if I didn't congratulate her and speak to her again. So she'd never have to apologise for anything and would just start it all again.
She's extremely covert in how she abuses me. Shes extremely controlling and always the victim.
I stopped talking to her the final time about 7 years ago. We just blank each other completely now. She has since moved on to controlling our parents and her own children which is sad to watch but my own mental health is close to top notch now since cutting her off.

You do not need this person in your life. Good luck op

[Thereisnolight]

I don’t blame you at all.

Cant help wondering about your parents role in all of this though. They moved away in the end? From their own child who clearly had issues? (Unless he was violent). And your mum took care to tell you that he spoke negatively about you. Lovely!

[AuntyMabelandPippin]

I have a younger sibling that thinks they're a victim. Our parent's funerals brought out the worst in them and I've not spoken since then.

It's much easier than dealing with them and I don't miss them at all.

[JHSM]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. I think you are all making me feel that I’m doing the right thing by keeping a distance and not engaging in pointless discussion that will only be twisted.

The descriptions of the siblings all have common features it seems.
Many thanks, it has really helped reading the replies. X

[LisaD1]

I’m one of 4 siblings, the tocity ran right through the veins of our parents and the 2 younger children. My brother and I are very close, we have nothing to do with any of the others and it has had a massive positive impact on our lives, the peace and lack of drama is amazing, it’s been 4 years now and I don’t regret a thing.

[2pinkginsplease]

I could have written your story, I’ve cut my sibling off, I can’t deal with the dramas, the meltdowns and the “I’m a victim “any longer. It’s draining. I’ve tried to support but it just gets thrown back in my face.

im much happier without the constant fear of my phone ringing .

[BertiesShoes]

I have a similar older brother (we late 50s/early 60s). Like your DB, he was also co dependant with our mum, and bullied both her and me (to a lesser extent) for years. He also has a lot of anger and resentment towards me, and other family it seems (from recent events).

He was terrible after mum died, trying to wind me up in front of her best friend, then telling her ‘look how wound up she gets”. This was the thin end of a very thick wedge. He also has a victim mentality, even though most of his problems are all self inflicted.

After the estate was settled, I started to distance myself, until he suffered an epic tragedy a couple of years later. I supported him and his wife then, but rather than the tragedy shaking him up, it has made him worse.

We blocked him on SM many years ago, other relatives tell me all his posts are about him, his victim mentality etc.

He recently fell out with the only close relative who contacted him regularly - she is a wonderful person but he has completely turned on her and her family.

Like you, I don’t want him in my life and hope to never see him again. Luckily he lives 200miles away so that isn’t hard. I text once or twice a year, he does try and open up conversations at other times but I send bland responses then shut the conversation down as quickly as I can. The rest of the time I barely think of him, I have a happy and busy life with my immediate and other extended family plus friends and just get on with living it in peace.

I would love to tell him a few home truths, but why bother? He would only twist and manipulate things to his own narrative.

You need to do what is right for you, full NC, or very minimal contact. Whatever brings you peace. Don’t try and have conversations about the past, it won’t work, he will continue to twist the narrative.

[Calistemon62]

You must put yourself first.
I had a similar situation with a younger sibling. Everything in life happened to them, always the victim, always someone's else's fault. My husband persuaded me, against my better judgment to give it one more go with my sibling after years of NC. I offered support and opened up our home to my sibling after a marriage breakdown. Things were good for awhile, until things weren't going well with the divorce. All the old victim behaviours all returned. Things ended badly again, all my fault of course. Sibling moved in with my parents, things ended badly there, my other sibling tried too help, guess what it was all that siblings fault that the divorce settlement wasn't big enough. Some people sadly you can't help and in the end you need to put yourself first. No one in our family is now in contact with the sibling. I wish them well and hope they are happy.
Take care of yourself OP, you only get one life. I wish you well.

[JHSM]

Thank you for your reply and kind words. You’ve hit the nail on the head especially the point about explanation being interpreted as victimising him.
It is self preservation and my life has been more peaceful for him not being in it most of the time.
I hope yours is too x

[Chicheguevara]

Hi.
I have a controlling and highly manipulative, younger sister. After a long time, putting up with random nastiness (before social media was invented), pettiness and bullying, I just quietly moved home - I was moving anyway - failed to update her and had a number change to go with it. A relative gave her my number a few months back, I failed to reply to her texts. I do not regret it.

In my case, for the sake on my own well-being, I just stopping putting up with all the victim like crap, manipulative behaviour and downright bullying. If it sounds mean, I don’t mean it to, but sometimes self preservation is the way to go. You sound a nice and caring person who does not want to be nasty about retreating from the situation. I take it that any explanation on your part will be seen as victimising him? If so, just walk away. Don’t look back.